Knocked Up Page #11

How did anyone ever give birth

without a baby book?

That's right. The ancient

Egyptians f***ing engraved

What to Expect

When You're Expecting

on the pyramid walls!

I forgot about that!

Who gives a flying f***

about the baby books?

It just shows your lack

of commitment, Ben!

That you're not in this with me!

Did you just say "my lack

of commitment"? 'Cause

that's what it sounded like.

It almost seems as though

you forgot I proposed

to you, like an a**hole!

And you said no to me!

If you feel that way,

you should just go.

Really. Just go.

Because we didn't mean

to do this together, okay?

And... And we tried

to make it work

and that was good, I suppose.

But it doesn't work.

Because we are two

completely different people.

And I think it would just be

easier for both of us

if we stop fooling ourselves.

You know, I know

this isn't you talking,

it's your hormones,

but I would just like to say,

f*** you, hormones!

You are a crazy b*tch,

hormones.

Not Allison! Hormones!

F*** them! It's a girl!

Buy some pink sh*t!

Nice. You are such an a**hole.

You know what?

Go f*** your f***ing bong, you f***!

I will f*** my bong.

Doggie style, for once.

Are you ready?

I'm really sorry about all that.

That was really inappropriate.

Oh, no, that's okay.

It happens all the time here.

It's fine.

Oh, good, okay,

I don't feel so stupid, then.

No, no, not at all.

I totally know what

you're talking about, man.

Like, if I wrote out

the list of sh*t Allison

doesn't let me do,

like, it would be endless.

"Don't smoke pot. Don't have

samurai swords in your room.

"Don't have illegal grow

operations in the house."

I mean, like,

I could go on all f***ing day.

Have I told her to stop

doing anything ever? No.

Marriage is like that show,

Everybody Loves Raymond,

but it's not funny.

All the problems are the same,

but it's...

You know, instead of

all the funny, pithy dialog,

everybody's just really

pissed off and tense.

Marriage is like an unfunny,

tense version of

Everybody Loves Raymond.

But it doesn't last 22 minutes.

It lasts forever.

Let's get out of here, man.

Honestly, like, let's just go.

Let's go to Vegas.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Why not?

Get up.

What?

We're not gonna do this.

What?

Seriously.

What are you doing?

We have to go do something

and have fun!

I'm just so tired.

I know you're tired.

But we're gonna be untired!

We're gonna go live!

I hate you so much sometimes.

We're gonna be positive.

Positive, positive, positive! Up!

How many Red Bulls have you had?

I've had about three Red Bulls

in the last 15 minutes.

And I feel fabulous!

We're gonna create a new life

and it's gonna be awesome!

Get up! Let's go!

Since when do we lock

this f***ing thing? Come on!

We can't go, dude. Sorry.

Holy crap! What happened?

We got pink eye.

What, you giving each other

butterfly kisses or something?

Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.

That's not how you get pink eye.

You get it from poo particles

making their way

into your ocular cavities.

Hey, Ben. How's it going?

Yo.

I farted on Jason's pillow

as a practical joke.

He farted on Jonah's,

thinking it was mine,

and then eventually

pink-eyed my pillow.

I'm not proud of any of this,

but I think we've all

forgiven each other.

But we can't go anywhere.

You can get pink eye

from farting in a pillow?

Totally.

Mmm-hmm.

That's awesome!

Yeah, but you got

to be bare-assed.

Jesus, Martin got it bad!

What, did someone take a dump

right in your eye?

No. No pink eye for me.

I'm just really high.

Well, stay back, guys.

I got to get my suit, okay?

F*** you.

Are you Debbie's husband?

Yeah.

This is fun!

This is great.

It's just fun, man.

We're gonna have

the best time ever.

We make a good team, man.

Yeah.

It's like, I can't come here

with Debbie.

She wouldn't understand it.

She doesn't understand.

She wants to hold me in,

and she was telling Allison

she could train you.

She thinks she could train me?

Yeah, like you're running

the Triple Crown.

She can't train this!

I'm like Siegfried

and Roy's Bengal.

You think I'm trained. I'II...

I'll bite

your f***ing face off!

That's right.

In front of a crowd, baby.

This is better. Besides,

I don't know if I have enough

of these babies to go around.

My God! Are these mushrooms?

Uh-huh. I got them from

a roadie for the Black Crowes.

I'm eating them.

No, no, no. Save it!

I got tickets

to Cirque du Soleil.

You do? No, you don't.

I swear to God, man.

Holy sh*t!

See? I see the beam of light.

There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!

You're so money

that you don't even know

how much money you have.

You're money, baby!

You're money!

I love Vegas, man.

This is the greatest place

on Earth.

It's really amazing here.

You got my tie!

This is awesome!

Now, that's how you get pink eye.

Hey, what's up? Baby girl.

Hi.

What's up?

End of the line, please.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, come on.

Look, we're at capacity, okay?

We'll let some people in

when it clears out a little.

You'll get right in if you go

back to the end of the line.

We come here all the time.

It's not a big deal.

It doesn't really look

that crowded in there.

Hey, look.

I don't make the rules.

Please?

No.

Hey, what's up, shorty?

What's up, pretty girls?

See y'all when y'all get out.

Watch yourself.

What was that?

What the f*** was that?

It is what it is, sweetie.

Now can you step

to the back, please?

You don't need

to call me sweetie.

Maybe we should just go.

Maybe you should

listen to your friend.

No, you don't need

to call me sweetie.

All right, you want to come in,

you're gonna have to go

to the end of the line

and wait like everybody else.

I'm not gonna go to

the end of the f***ing line.

Who the f*** are you?

I have just as much of

a right to be here

as any of these

little skanky girls!

What, am I not

skanky enough for you?

You want me to hike up

my f***ing skirt?

What the f*** is your problem?

I'm not going anywhere!

You're just some roided out

freak with a f***ing clipboard!

And your stupid little f***ing

rope! You know what?

You may have power now,

but you're not God!

You're a doorman! Okay?

You're a doorman, doorman,

doorman, doorman, doorman!

So, f*** you, you f***ing fag

with your f***ing little

faggy gloves.

I know.

You're right. I'm so sorry.

I f***ing hate this job.

I don't want to be the one to pass

judgment and decide who gets in.

This sh*t makes me sick

to my stomach.

I get the runs from the stress.

It's not 'cause you're not hot.

I would love to tap that ass.

I would tear that ass up.

I can't let you in

'cause you're old as f***,

for this club,

not, you know, for the Earth.

What?

You old. She pregnant.

Can't have a bunch of old,

pregnant b*tches running around.

That's crazy.

I'm only allowed to let in

That mean if there's

I get to let in one-and-a-quarter

black people.

So I got to hope there's a black midget

in the crowd.

Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.

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