Knocked Up Page #12

Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?

Y'all need to be

at a yoga class or something.

What the f*** is she doing at the club?

That's not even

good parenting right there.

Your old ass should know better than that.

Oh, God.

Have the mushrooms

kicked in yet?

This was a great idea, man.

This is the best idea

I've ever had in my life.

What are they gonna do?

What in the world

are they doing?

If I shaved my stomach

and my chest, I would look

exactly like that.

Those guys are

at work right now.

"What'd you do today?"

"I just lifted my brother."

No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.

I'm freaking out

right now, man.

The mushrooms are turning on me.

Papa.

I'm not your papa!

Papa!

I can't deal

with this sh*t, man!

Hold up. Hold up.

Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!

It's over.

What's over?

My youth.

Oh, don't say that.

It's true.

I just wanna dance.

I love dancing.

So dance.

I can't dance.

I'm embarrassed.

I should be embarrassed.

I'm a f***ing whale,

and I'm trying to get

into some stupid club and...

No, you look beautiful.

And you're young

and you're tall,

and you got the good lips

and b*obs, and you're young still.

I'm gonna be alone.

Debbie, no, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Oh, God!

F***ing men!

I get worse-Iooking

and he gets better-Iooking,

and it's so f***ing unfair.

Oh, f***.

We should go.

My babysitter always gets mad

when we come home past 12:00.

She's such a pissy

little high-school c*nt.

Let's move, gang!

Come on, come on, come on!

Jessica,

can you get these plates

and put them

on the table, please?

This isn't funny.

That guy has 12 kids.

It's not funny. It's...

Now I get

to start all over again!

This is sick.

This is a sick movie.

That's a lot of responsibility to be

joking about. That's not funny.

I got to turn this off.

It's freaking me out.

There are five different types

of chairs in this hotel room.

Holy f***. What are they

all doing in here?

These are five

different types of chairs.

Get them out of here, man.

This is too many chairs for one room.

There's a guy that works

for this hotel. His whole job

is to find chairs.

Look at this one. Look at it.

It's gold and red,

and it's kind of shiny.

Shiny thread? Unbelievable.

It is beautiful

and it feels amazing.

The tall one's gawking at me

and the short one's being very droll.

I don't like them.

Oh, wow.

It's weird that chairs even exist

when you're not sitting on them.

I'm up high!

I'm really high up.

I should've read

the baby books.

Why didn't you read

the baby books?

'Cause then it's real,

you know?

Dude, it's real whether

or not you read those books.

That baby's coming.

Oh, man!

Think they'll take us back?

Yes.

But I don't know why.

Do you ever wonder how somebody

could even like you?

All the time, man. Like every day.

I wonder how you like me.

How can Debbie like me?

She likes me. I mean, she loves me.

The biggest problem

in our marriage is that

she wants me around.

She loves me so much

that she wants me

around all the time.

That's our biggest problem.

And I can't even accept that?

Like that upsets me?

What?

She's the one. She loves me.

You can't believe

people love you?

I love you, man!

Debbie loves you!

I don't think I can accept her love.

There's something wrong with me.

You can't accept love?

I don't know what it is.

Love? The most beautiful,

shiny, warmy thing in the world?

You can't accept it?

I have to go to this other chair.

Oh, this is a better energy.

You can't accept pure love?

You can't accept Debbie?

She's chosen

to give you her life.

She's picked you

as her life partner!

But you play fantasy baseball

because you can't accept her love?

I could accept it, man.

And Debbie's amazing, man.

She's cool and she's funny

and she smells good

and she's nice and her hair

always looks different.

She's too good for you, man.

Tastes like a rainbow.

You're disgusting.

You know, you're an urchin.

And she busts your balls

'cause you're a little b*tch.

You're a filthy b*tch!

And I'd bust your balls.

Debbie wants to give her life

to you, and Allison doesn't

want to do that with me.

And it makes me sad all day.

I want to go home.

I wanna go home, too.

Everything looks beautiful.

Thanks.

I went kind of overboard, huh?

No. It's great.

Your daughter only turns eight once.

Is Ben gonna come?

I don't think so.

I don't know why he would.

Oh, hey. What up, dawg?

Where have you been?

Around. You know?

Just kind of doing my thing.

Why is everybody

so mad at you?

I don't know. Are they mad?

What have they been saying?

They've been saying, like,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

"Ben's a prick."

They said that?

A lot.

That sucks.

What does it mean?

Penis. It means penis.

Oh.

Penis.

Babe, we're running

low on plates.

Hey, Ben! What's up, man?

What's happening, man?

Hey, Ben.

Hey, Debbie.

How are you?

Good. How are you?

Hi.

Did you just get pink cupcakes

or yellow cupcakes?

I just got yellow cupcakes.

I thought I said

get pink cupcakes.

I can run out.

I'll get some more.

Nah, it's no big deal.

I don't mind.

No, it doesn't matter.

You sure?

Yeah. You look

really cute in that.

All right.

Well, that was fast,

you p*ssy.

I'm a...

You're the one that got

dressed up like a cholo on

Easter to come to this party.

How are things

at Butt-F***ing-Ham Palace?

You look like Babe Ruth's

gay brother, Gabe Ruth.

Well played, sir. That was good.

You gonna talk to Allison?

Yeah, I was just about to.

Right on.

It's a doll.

Thanks, Ben.

I just don't think

we can make it work.

We can get back on track,

and everything's gonna be great.

You're just being nice,

and I'm being nice,

and just because we're two

nice people doesn't mean

we should stay together.

I don't want this baby

to determine the rest

of our lives. You know?

Me not wanting to do this alone

isn't enough of a reason

to drag you into a relationship

with me. It's just not fair.

And don't repeat this, but God,

I don't want to end up like Debbie.

But Debbie's happy.

Yeah, she's happy today.

But every day is

a constant struggle for them

because they're not

right for each other.

You know? And they have

to force it, and I don't want

us to have to do that.

I don't want to force you

to be what I think you should be.

That's wrong of me

because you're great.

You really are. You're great

the way you are, and...

I mean, you like to get high,

and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.

I didn't do shrooms in Vegas.

Who am I to stop you?

Who am I to tell you that

that's wrong? It's not wrong.

It's who you are.

It's what you enjoy

and that's your life and...

I'm not that guy anymore.

I mean, we can be friends.

And you can be there

when the baby is born,

and in the baby's life

as much as you want.

I hope you will be.

I just...

I think that if you just...

I don't know. If you give me a shot

to just show you that I'm...

Excuse me?

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