Knocked Up Page #13

Oh, sh*t.

Can you grab the video camera?

We're gonna sing

Happy Birthday now.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I got to go.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'll be right back,

though, all right?

We'll finish talking.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.

What happened?

Thanks for warning me, man.

I just walked into a f***ing

buzz saw. She rejected me.

'Cause you,

for some insane reason,

told Debbie that I did

mushrooms with you in Vegas!

She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!

Now I'm upping it to f***ing

psychedelics! Thanks!

Really? I thought she'd take you back.

You know why she just rejected me?

'Cause you're such a shitty husband,

she thinks I'm gonna turn

into a shitty husband.

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Jessica! Right here!

Can we get a photo?

When are you due?

I got two months.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow, you're so big already.

Yeah.

When is that baby popping out?

I got two months to go.

Really? Are you dilated yet?

I can tell.

Wow, wow!

You look fantastic.

You look... Are you gonna,

like, give birth right now?

Wow, you're about

to drop any second.

You know what?

I love your broach.

You don't need to lie to me.

I don't appreciate it.

I know I look like a fat cow.

And I'm sweating profusely.

I know that.

No, no.

No, you don't look like

a fat cow at all. You look great.

So, I have to get going in.

They're calling me.

Steve, hey. Help me out.

Give me an interview, please.

Well, I just need to run in.

You know what? Just say

into the camera, "You're

watching E! Entertainment. "

Congratulations.

Just give me that.

No, Steve, don't be

an a**hole! Come on.

I'm not being an a**hole.

Wow, you managed to turn

Steve Carell into an a**hole.

No easy feat.

Shut up, Brent.

You screwed me, Dad, okay?

You said everything was gonna

be fine and nothing is fine.

Nothing is fine.

Ben, I've been

divorced three times.

Why would you listen to me?

Because you were the only one

giving me advice!

And it was terrible advice!

You can go around blaming everyone

else, but in the end,

until you take responsibility

for yourself, none of this

is gonna work out.

I don't know how to take

responsibility for myself, okay?

I didn't read the baby books!

You didn't read the books?

I just smoke less pot.

I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!

What... Tell me what to do!

I don't know. I don't know.

Ben, I love you.

What can I tell you?

Just tell me what to do.

Stone, you settling in okay?

Best job I ever had.

Like to hear it.

Allison, thank you

for coming in.

I don't want to shock you

but we know what's under that jacket.

You're pregnant,

have been for a while.

From my count, you're right

around eight months.

And I don't know why you felt

you couldn't tell us.

I'm really sorry.

This is Hollywood.

We don't like liars.

I just...

I wasn't expecting this and...

I didn't know how to handle it,

and I didn't want to lose my job.

I'm really sorry.

It's unfortunate.

It's unfortunate

you didn't tell us because

you would've found out

that we thought it's great.

Really?

Yeah.

So we did some research.

And turns out,

people like pregnant.

Oh, my God!

The bigger you are,

the bigger your numbers.

I was surprised

'cause I feel the opposite.

We're gonna do a whole maternity

month on E! Mommy.

You're gonna interview

all the pregnant celebs.

Really?

Yes.

Scary!

You're pregnant, they're pregnant,

you can talk about being pregnant.

It just grosses me out when

I know that people are pregnant.

'Cause I think about the birth.

Everything's so wet.

And everything that goes into it.

None of the gross stuff.

But you know, hopes, dreams,

whatever, it's gonna be great.

Oh, my God.

This is such good news.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, you're welcome.

And then,

after the baby is out...

Tight.

...tighten it back up.

And please don't

lie to us again.

Okay.

'Cause maybe someday

we could be friends.

Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.

I just don't like secrets.

Okay.

You know, it's a rare thing

that you live to see the day

your wildest dreams come true.

I mean, what is there left to want?

I get to go to Legoland.

Shut up, Pete.

Say it!

Legoland!

Legoland!

Legoland!

Don't get them all riled up

before the drive.

I shouldn't have given them

all that meth, then.

We'll be back

on Sunday.

Or Saturday. You never know.

We might see it all in one day.

Sunday. Let's go.

Guess what? I'm scared

there's no one to trust.

You can trust me.

You are gonna

f*** me over, aren't you?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

You are.

Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead

from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?

Ow, ow, ow.

That's what I am to you, isn't it?

Swamp trash, just like my mom.

Hello?

Hey, what's up, Daddy?

What are you doing?

Just smoking a joint, drinking

some beers, you know. Rocking.

We're about to go

to a new club. You coming?

No. I'm gonna pack

it in soon, I think.

What's he doing?

He says he's gonna

call it a night.

Dude, it's like 8:15, man.

Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.

Is he depressed?

You depressed?

No, I feel great. I like it.

He says no.

Ask him if he's

gonna kill himself.

You gonna kill yourself?

No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.

Tell him not to jerk off

with a noose around his neck.

It's dangerous.

You shouldn't jerk off with

a noose around your neck

'cause it's dangerous.

Okay. Very good.

And tell him if he has to,

tell him he needs

a teammate or a spotter there.

Right. And if you do,

you should have

a teammate or a spotter there.

Great.

He says your mom's already there.

Uncool, man.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Hi, Dr. Howard?

No, this is Dr. Angelo.

How can I help you?

I'm a patient of Dr. Howard's,

and I'm going into labor

and I need to speak with him.

I actually don't know

where he is tonight.

But I've made myself available

to his patients,

and I'd be happy to help you.

Can you help me find him?

Can you give me his number?

Oh, no. You know what? Actually,

I'm under strict instructions

not to give out his number,

but I can help you through this.

No, no. No, no, no.

I want to speak to my own doctor.

You really won't give me his number?

Because this is my first baby,

and he promised that

he would be here for me

and I need you to give me...

Give me his number, okay?

Dr. Howard's not available tonight.

But everything's gonna be okay,

I assure you.

No, I don't want you to help me

because I have no idea who you are!

I want my own goddamn doctor!

You make sure he calls me!

Oh, sh*t. Okay.

Oh, sh*t!

Hello?

Ben, it's me. Can you come?

'Cause the baby's coming.

Can you come?

Oh, God. Allison.

I'm so happy you're calling.

I have so many thing's

I've been wanting to say to you.

I wanna apologize for things.

It's all I can think about.

No, listen. Wait. Listen.

I need you to come help me, okay?

Because the baby's coming.

So can you come help me?

Wait. The baby's coming

right now?

Yes. Right now.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is it happening? It's happening now?

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