Knocked Up Page #14

Push. Push...

Breathe like this...

No, no, no, no.

You need to come now because

the contractions are happening,

and they really hurt

and the doctor isn't here,

and I can't get hold of him.

And he said he was gonna

be here, right? You were there

when he said that.

Okay, okay,

I'll come right now.

Nobody's here.

I'm coming right now.

...not anywhere,

I can't reach them, please.

Please, please hurry.

I'll just... So should I...

I'll meet you

at the hospital, okay?

No! Don't meet me at the

hospital! No, no, I need you

to drive me. I can't drive.

I can't drive like this.

No? You can't drive? Okay.

I'll get gas

and then I'll pick you up.

You have to get gas?

I need to just get cash.

No. Don't get cash. Just come.

I need to get cash because

my car's on empty, I won't

even make it there.

No, just come right now.

I'm not f***ing around, okay?

This is serious and I'm alone.

It's the last thing you need to do is...

Just get here!

Look, if you keep yelling

at me, I'm never gonna get there.

You just need to calm down

for two... Okay.

Don't run out of gas.

Don't run out of gas. Come on!

Hello?

Please be in there.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Allison?

Hello?

Ben?

Allison.

What is this,

like a water birth?

What are we doing? Should we go?

Should I... I have the...

Shh.

Just relax, okay?

Just be mellow, 'cause

that's what this is all about.

Because if it gets

too stressful in here,

then the baby is born

into a stressful environment,

and then he's wired for stress

for the rest of his life. So just...

Just be calm.

Okay.

Okay, let's relax. Okay.

Do you want

to talk about things?

I feel really bad about, like,

a lot of the sh*t I did.

I can't believe

I said some of that.

That's all I think about

in my head.

I don't wanna talk about it.

But maybe we could bring

the baby into a reconciled

place so we can talk...

No. I don't wanna go there.

Don't go there. Okay?

Help me stay relaxed.

So, what should I do?

You need to call Dr. Howard.

Hello?

Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone.

I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.

We need Dr. Howard.

It's an emergency.

Yeah. He's at San Francisco

at bar mitzvah.

He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco?

Do you know when he gets back?

In three days.

Do you have his cell number,

by any chance?

Hey! Good news.

I got his number right here.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Oh, great. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad

you're here. Thank you.

I'm glad I'm here, too.

Thank you.

I shouldn't have told you

you were a f***ing lunatic.

I shouldn't have said that.

I feel terrible about it and...

No, it's okay.

We're past it. We're past it.

I'm sorry I told you

to f*** your bong.

It's okay. I didn't.

Let's just drop it now.

We're over it.

I'm gonna call him right now.

You're doing so great.

Hello, it's Dr. Howard.

I'm not here right now.

Please leave a message.

Hey, Doc Howard.

Ben Stone calling.

Guess what the f***'s up?

Allison's going into labor

and you are not f***ing here.

Now, where are you? You're at

a f***ing bar mitzvah in San Francisco,

you motherfucking piece of sh*t!

And you know

what I'm gonna have to do now?

I'm gonna have to kill you.

I'm gonna have to

pop a f***ing cap in your ass.

You're dead! You're Tupac!

You are f***ing Biggie,

you piece of sh*t!

I hope you f***ing die

or drop the f***ing chair

and kill that f***ing kid!

Hope your plane crashes.

Peace, f***er!

Hey.

Hey.

Did you talk to him?

I didn't talk to him directly.

I left him a very nice message, though.

And... Okay.

What I'm about to tell you

isn't that bad.

You should know that going in.

We can get through this,

and it's just a little hiccough,

but everything will be fine. Okay?

Do you trust me when I say

everything will be fine?

I can deal with it.

Okay.

So, Dr. Howard is at a bar mitzvah.

A bar mitzvah?

It's a Jewish rite of passage.

And he's gonna be there

for the next three days,

so he will not be able

to be here tonight.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

What do you think

we should do?

Okay. I know

exactly what to do.

All we do is we'll get in

the car, I'll drive to the hospital,

and on the way, we will call

every gynecologist we've met.

Someone will be available.

You know?

Okay. I can do that.

Okay. Good.

I mean, we still have time.

I mean, how far apart

are your contractions?

I think, like, seven minutes.

Seven minutes!

See? Not until four minutes

is it really coming.

And has your water broken, even?

I don't know. I'm in the tub.

That's a good point.

Have you had your bloody show?

What? What's that?

It's, it's... I mean, it's

a bloody mucusy discharge.

But it only comes out right before

the baby's gonna come,

so if that hasn't happened,

we have time.

We can make it to the hospital.

It's no problem.

You read the baby books.

Yeah. I did. I read

three of them, actually.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey. Hey, you okay?

Okay.

Wait.

Are we allowed to park here?

It's okay. I stole this

from Martin's grandma.

Oh, that was really

sweet of you.

Thanks.

Okay, here we go. Here we go.

Okay. Inches away.

Okay.

We're close.

Home stretch. Hello.

This is Allison Scott.

Dr. Kuni said he would let you

know we were coming?

Oh, he did.

We'll take good care of you.

Okay.

Samuel?

Yeah?

This is Allison Scott.

Please admit her into Room 307.

Hi.

Hey.

You're our nurse?

That's why I'm holding

the clipboard.

So, what else is up

with you guys?

I'm just joking.

Let's have a baby, huh?

Yeah.

Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long

to find that vein.

That little guy really

didn't want me to find him.

Is that the baby

on that one right there?

Yeah.

So we can tell how the little

guy or gal is doing.

Okay.

Hello, Allison. Ben.

Interesting night.

We really, really appreciate

you coming, man.

What else do I have to do,

I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.

What happened to your doctor?

He's at a bar mitzvah

in San Francisco.

He didn't tell us, though.

Nice.

Yeah.

Lucky for you, I don't have

any Jewish friends.

Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this

naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.

Okay, let's just take a look

and see what happens, okay?

Foetal heart rate is good.

Samuel, where are we?

Four centimeters.

Four centimeters what?

Dilated?

Dilated. That's right. Focus.

Pay attention, okay?

We're a team. Okay?

I wanna get

the f*** out of here.

What?

I just wanna get

the f*** out of here.

Okay. Just relax,

man, just relax.

Oh, man, I don't f***ing

like hospitals.

I know, but, Jonah,

this is beautiful.

I just think you need to relax

and embrace the beauty of

another life joining our gang.

We're having a baby.

We are having a baby.

I'm not having sh*t besides

a f***ing panic attack.

There's probably a f***ing room

back there full of dead bodies!

You guys wanna be here

when one rolls out

and just f***ing coughs

malaria into our face?

Jesus.

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