Knocked Up Page #15

F***ing sh*t.

Is that good?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, get in there.

I could do this all day.

Cool.

What was that?

What the hell was that?

What's happening?

Well, boys and girls,

what seems to be the problem?

Decels.

Oh, dear.

Okay, Allison, I need you to

turn on your back now, okay?

The baby's heart rate

is slowing. Okay?

It's gonna be okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be fine.

Is it gonna be fine?

It's gonna be fine. Okay?

You'll feel a little bit of

a push. You'll feel a little bit of...

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm turning the baby so I can take

the pressure off the cord. Okay?

Oh, my God.

Okay, we're good.

The heartbeat's stronger,

but we're not out of the woods.

We need to get

things going now.

I think the cord is wrapped

around the neck.

So I'm gonna give you

some medicine, pop the bag

and get things going, okay?

I don't wanna leave the baby

in there for long,

and we can give you

some medicine for the pain.

No, no, no, no.

I don't... I don't want the baby to

be born all drugged out.

It's not my birth plan.

Now, things change.

We don't have time to debate this.

What? No. But no, I'm not

comfortable with that. I'm not.

No. Would you please

just listen to her?

Fine. Do what you want to do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Should I leave?

Do you want to be the doctor?

Because I really don't need to be here.

No. What we want is to take

a second to talk

about our options, okay?

That's all we want.

No. You mean you want

to take a second

to tell me how to do my job.

My job is to get

that baby out safely.

Or I can go home.

Just let me know. You be the doctor.

Can we talk outside

in the hall for a second?

That woman is a control freak,

and she needs to let go

and let me do my job.

Look, she's just having

a hard time

because her and our doctor had

a very specific birth plan.

And they wanted it to be

a very special experience.

If you want a special experience,

go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.

We have a new birth plan.

Get the baby out safely.

Look, man, will you help us out?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You can be as big a dick to me

as you want. Just be nice to her, man.

That's all I ask.

Just please be nice to her.

Are you okay?

I think so.

I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.

Thank you, man. Thanks.

This is healthy. This is good.

I think we're bonding.

Allison, I apologize for being

a little brash, but if you're okay with it,

it's rather important

we break the bag

and give you some medicine

to speed things up.

Because once the bag is broken,

I don't want there to be an infection.

Whatever.

Do what you have to do.

Oh, my God.

What a nightmare that guy is.

I know, I know.

Look, I talked to him.

I think he'll be more cool now.

I'm so sorry

I broke up with you.

You really don't need to be.

And, you know, I knew

you'd give me another shot.

I figured it'd be a lot sooner

than this, you know?

I was just in such

a panic from all of this.

And watching Debbie

and Pete together, it's...

And my ass got so fat.

No, no.

It did.

I just never, for one minute,

thought that the guy

who got me pregnant

would actually be

the right guy for me.

Me, either.

I guess he is.

Yeah.

All right, Martin, who am I?

"People

think I'm smart because

I speak in a robot voice."

Stephen Hawking.

"I f*** my nurse

with my ever-expanding cock."

All right.

Let's murderball.

Come here!

I'm gonna murderball you!

Stay down!

Jonah, you shithead!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

I can't believe I go

out of town and this happens.

I know.

I'm sorry,

but I'm not going anywhere.

Screw Legoland.

All right.

Hey, how do you want this?

You want this over the shoulder?

You know, I can do whatever

you want. I can get in there.

Kind of Spike Lee angles.

No, you can shoot the waiting

room. That would be great.

Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you.

I've got it from here.

Debbie.

Can I talk to you

in the hall for a second?

Why?

I'd like to be in there

with Allison, without you.

Okay.

I understand how you feel

but this isn't up to you.

Look, Debbie, you are high

off your ass if you think

you're coming into that room.

If you take one step towards

that door, I will tell security

there's a crazy chick in a pink

dress snatching up babies. Okay?

So don't even try to come into

that room. That's my room now.

That little area with the Pepsi

machine, that's your area.

My room. Your area. Stay in your area.

Stay out of my room.

Back the f*** off.

What are you doing here?

He just kicked me out.

He told me to leave.

Oh.

But I guess it's good, right?

He said he's gonna

take care of her.

He really seems on his game.

I think he's gonna be a good dad.

I think I like him.

Thank God.

I wish I'd gotten

that on tape.

Go! Holy sh*t, almighty!

Oh, sh*t, this really hurts!

I see we're well on our way.

Okay.

I want the...

I want the epidural. Okay?

Give me the epidural!

Give her the epidural, okay?

Give it to her now.

KUNl:
Okay, Allison.

We're past the point of an epidural.

Okay? The cervix is fully dilated.

No, seriously,

I want an epidural!

I know there's time!

We can't give you

the epidural.

Take the time! I...

I'll make sure it doesn't come out!

I'll stop pushing.

We have time.

Just do it, please!

I'll stop.

Please, please, please!

I'm sorry. We have no time.

We're gonna just have to do

this the all-natural way, okay?

The way you wanted to do it.

Okay? Ready?

Okay.

Here comes another contraction, okay?

I want you to push. Okay, ready?

Good, good, good.

I feel everything!

Oh, my God! It's happening!

Okay, maybe we can

take it down just a little.

I think you're gonna scare

the other pregnant women.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Okay.

Are you kidding me?

Jesus.

This is messed up.

Something's wrong in there.

Yeah.

Oh, no, no.

I mean, granted, gynecology's

only a hobby of mine,

but it sounds to me like she's

crowning. Is that right, Deb?

Yeah. That's what it sounds

like for everyone.

Everyone goes through this.

No, I disagree with you.

That sounds terrible.

I'm gonna go sneak a peak,

see if there's anything I can do.

Okay! It's crowning!

I'm seeing the head!

Oh, God.

What does it look like, Ben?

Oh, God.

What?

You don't wanna see it.

No, I wanna see it!

It's beautiful.

You don't want to, though.

No, I want to see it!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Okay, we're almost home!

One, two...

You okay in here? Jesus!

Get out!

Yeah, okay.

Oh, no!

You all right, buddy?

It's okay.

What did it look like?

I shouldn't have gone in there.

Don't go in there.

Promise me you don't go in there.

Me, go in there? That's the last

f***ing place I wanna go.

Like I'm gonna go in there.

Try getting a boner now.

What's up, Deb?

Hey.

Push. One, two, three.

Oh, God!

You've passed the shoulders.

One more big push.

Good.

I did it.

Okay. Oh, my God. It's out.

You did it. You did it.

Oh, my God, you did it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I love you, Ben.

I love you so much, too.

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