Knocked Up Page #9

when you have a kid

and all your dreams and hopes

just go right out the window?

What changed for you?

What went out the window?

What plans?

You do everything

exactly the same.

No, I mean, I love

what I'm doing. Like, say...

Okay, say, you know,

before you're married

and have children,

you wanna go live

in India for a year.

You can do it.

But you can't do it

once you have a family.

You wanna go live in India?

I don't wanna go

live in India.

Do you want to go to India?

Go to India! Seriously,

go to India.

What about you?

Do you want to go to India?

I'm not going to India.

You can go to India.

I get what he's talking about.

You know, honestly, like,

when I found out about...

I totally, like, I just had this flash

of me, like in a white Ford Bronco,

and I'm just hauling ass

for Canada, man.

The chopper's taping

the whole thing, and I just...

I bust through the border

and I'm a free man!

That's all I kept thinking, man.

You know what I'm saying?

It was a flash!

Wait. What do you mean?

What are you...

Don't look at me.

We can talk

about our fears here.

It's not like he did it.

I mean, honestly, like,

if Doc Brown screeched up

in front of you in the DeLorean.

Open the door, he's like,

"Hey, Allison, come on. I got

the car here. What do you wanna do?"

No part of your brain would have been,

like, "You know, maybe we'll go back

"to that night and I would maybe

put a condom on Ben's dick."

You never got that flash?

No.

And I don't know

what you're talking about.

"Where we're going,

we don't need roads."

Exactly.

You wouldn't do that?

I don't know who Doc Brown is.

What are you talking about?

Doc Brown is the guy

who's Christopher Lloyd.

He invented the DeLorean,

the time machine.

He's the one who made

the time machine.

What?

It's the time machine.

Everyone has

the time machine image.

Hey. I have

a really good idea.

Why don't the two of you

get into your time machine,

go back in time

and f*** each other?

Who needs a time machine?

This is my time machine!

I'm gonna throw you

in my DeLorean, gun it to '88.

You are a funny motherf***er,

man. Jesus.

How can you fight with him?

Look at his face.

I just want to kiss it.

I think he's cute.

I like the way you move.

This is fun! We should

do this more, I think.

I mean, this is, like,

the most fun I've had

in a really long time.

Come on, harder.

I can't do it harder.

Why? Come on.

Come on, just do it. Deeper.

I can't.

Oh, why?

I'll poke the baby

if I go deeper.

Oh, come on! Just do it!

Please, don't yell at me,

please don't.

What? The doctor and Debbie

said it's fine. Come on!

Look, can we... I'm sorry,

can we change positions?

What?

I'm gonna crush the baby.

I know it.

This is ridiculous!

Why are we...

No, it's not.

There's no shell in there,

you know?

Millions of people have sex

when they're pregnant!

I don't know how it works.

It just works, okay?

Just do it.

All I'm thinking of

is that I'm gonna...

I weigh over 200 pounds.

Just get over it!

I can't do it.

Can you just get on top?

All I see is our baby

getting poked in the face

by my penis.

Trust me,

you're not even close.

Okay.

Come on, fine.

Okay, fine.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

That's okay.

Sorry.

Okay. Oh, good.

I can't. I can't.

I can't. I can't do this,

I just... I can't. I can't.

I can't focus like this.

I look disgusting

from this angle. I can feel

you looking up at my chins.

I know I look gross.

No, you look beautiful.

Your chin looks so skinny.

And my b*obs are all,

like, squishy, and they're

flopping around.

I can feel it,

and it's distracting.

No...

It's all National Geographic.

Okay. Can we do...

Do you wanna do doggie style?

No. I do not want you

to f*** me like a dog.

I'm not f***ing you

like a dog. It's doggie style.

It's just the style.

It's not...

It's not like a dog.

We don't have

to go outside or anything.

Here we go.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, is it good?

Yeah.

Should I go slower?

Yeah, no, that's good.

Okay, faster?

Harder.

Just tell me

when you're close.

Just go harder.

Okay.

Keep going!

Oh, God.

Oh, f***!

What?

What happened?

Oh, my God.

The baby, it kicked my hand.

Well, no, no, it always kicks.

No, no, no. Not like this.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

Just keep going.

It was a warning kick.

This was a bad kick.

No, no, it's fine.

It's fine! It's fine!

Look, my dick must be like

an inch away from its face,

and it's coming,

just coming in at its face.

Oh, sh*t.

What if it kicked

'cause it didn't like it?

I can't do that to our baby.

That's the first thing it's gonna see.

What are you talking about?

It's having the baby between,

you know, us,

it just makes it weird.

I'm sorry.

It just freaks me out a bit.

It's a little weird.

I have totally lost it.

You've totally lost it?

I've lost it.

Okay.

Great, you know what?

Just forget it.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Don't worry. I won't

make you do this again.

Sh*t.

F*** me!

Oh, my God. It's the Russians!

Jodi, I'll protect you!

Oh, man!

Ben!

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, no!

Oh, God, that was horrible!

That was so horrible!

When will it be light out?

Okay, you're fine, man.

Take it easy.

Hey, did anybody

turn off the gas?

I didn't do it.

Oh, motherf***er.

Hey, Marty.

Yeah.

This is my friend, Alex.

She's a pretty

incredible person.

Okay. Nice to meet you.

Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.

That's... That wasn't...

Hey, are you serious,

Howard Hughes?

JODl:
What happened?

Nothing.

Nothing happened.

Come on.

Where were you?

Look, I forgot

you were sleeping over.

I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, 'cause you're getting

high off your huge bong.

How am I supposed

to be comfortable

with the idea that you can

take care of me and the baby

if you are always

getting high?

You want me to stop smoking pot

'cause there's an earthquake

once every 10 years?

That makes no sense, Allison.

Look, you're being irrational.

Just relax, okay?

We're all scared, you know?

You just...

Oh, sh*t, the cops.

California, eh?

You know, it's times like this

I'm glad I don't own nice things.

It's a big mess,

but there's only like

$50 worth of sh*t here.

And that's kind of the good thing.

You know, my dad told me,

"Don't move to Northridge."

But you figure, like, what are

the chances of that happening

twice, you know?

What is this?

It's a ninja weapon.

I hope this place

doesn't get condemned.

That would suck.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

You!

Hi. So, listen.

Will you do me a big favor?

Debbie wants us to come over

and have dinner tonight.

She thinks Pete is cheating on her.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, she saw

one of his emails and...

Oh, man.

There's an address.

That sounds terrible.

I don't want to do that.

Ben, come on.

He's not cheating on her.

How do you know?

I just know.

Are you sure?

I'm 100% sure

he's not cheating.

Are you really?

No.

It actually kind of makes sense

that he would cheat.

Why?

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