Knocked Up Page #8

Just rub Purell all over it.

You know what? Let me buy it.

I need to get you

a baby present anyway.

And I would love

to get it for you.

No.

I'm serious. I want to.

No. It's too much.

Yes. We'll take it.

Obviously, I mean,

don't insult the woman.

She wants to get us a gift.

Right.

Wanna buy me some new shoes?

What else can I

squeeze out of you?

Xbox 360. Xbox 360.

So hot in the Valley.

Hey! Oh, Allison!

Hi.

How are you?

It's so good to see you.

We've been watching you on E!

It's the coolest thing.

Yeah, it's been super

exciting, just crazy busy.

I'm so sorry I haven't called.

Oh, it's fine.

Hi, I'm Ashley.

This is my friend, Ben.

I'm Ben.

I went to school with Allison.

Okay, so, is Debbie

having another baby?

No. Allison is.

What? I just saw you

a couple months ago.

You're pregnant?

It was a big surprise.

It's actually... It's a really

funny story, actually.

If you guys... If you got

a second to hear it.

It's not really funny.

It's not funny.

Let them be the judge, okay?

I think it's funny.

You know they say

don't drink and drive?

Uh-huh.

Don't drink and bone!

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean,

she was acting weird,

and I really think

it's just 'cause, like,

you know, I haven't made

an honest woman out of her.

She's carrying my bastard child.

No one wants that.

That's what I did.

I mean, I married Debbie

when she got pregnant.

You think she's, like,

hiding me?

Like, she's, like, embarrassed

by me or something like that?

Probably. I'd hide you.

How much do wedding rings cost?

I mean, it really depends,

you know?

I think you're supposed to spend,

like, three months' pay on a ring.

That'll be easy.

I don't make any money.

Really? I thought there was

lot of money in porn.

God, it's not porn, okay?

All we do is we show you

what nude scenes

are in what movies.

Oh, like Mr. Skin?

Who's Mr. Skin?

Dude, Mr. Skin.

Mr. Skin?

No!

We've wasted

This is exactly

the same as our site.

How the f*** did this happen?

Mr. Skin. That's even

a better name than ours!

F*** me in the beard.

Dude, they got the top 10

group shower scenes!

Why didn't you think

of that, Jay?

Don't put this on me!

God damn it!

Well, sh*t, I saw it online

at one point, but I guess

I didn't connect the dots.

What are we gonna do now?

All we need to do is think

of a new, better idea

that no one else

has thought of already.

Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3

starts in eight minutes.

Don't worry, man.

We'll figure it out.

You know what?

I think just because

this site exists

doesn't mean our site

won't work, necessarily.

Good things come

in pairs, man, you know.

Oh, for sure.

Volcano, Dante's Peak,

Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?

Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.

Panda Express,

Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

Exactly. We can work together.

This can help us,

if anything, I think.

We're fine. We're golden.

Look, Allison, I'm sure

this isn't how you pictured

it being, exactly,

and it's not

how I wanted it to be,

but that is why I'm presenting

you this empty box.

It's a promise, Allison.

It's a promise

that one day I will...

I will fill this box

with a ring that you deserve,

a beautiful ring.

And I can't afford it yet.

I've picked it out already,

though, and it's at De Beers,

and it's really nice.

So basically I'm asking you,

will you marry me?

Because I'm in love with you.

I love you, too.

Really?

Oh, man,

that's so nice to hear.

That's the first time a girl's

ever said that to me, so...

But here's the thing.

There's a thing?

I don't really know yet what

that love means, you know.

Just 'cause it's so new,

and it's so exciting

that it's great.

I don't know. We've only

known each other

Okay.

Honestly, I mean, I thought...

I thought you felt weird

that we're having a baby

and we're not

engaged or anything.

I'm gonna get off my knee.

Yeah.

It's hurting a little bit.

No, I'm okay with that.

You know, we're just doing

what we can.

We're making the best of it,

and I don't want us

to put any more pressure

on ourselves

than we already have.

Okay. Yeah.

That makes perfect sense.

Are you okay? I don't want

to hurt your feelings.

No, no, no.

Honestly, I just wanted

to do right by you, you know?

So if you don't want to,

that's totally cool, you know?

Okay.

I really do love you.

I know. Thanks.

You mentioned that. It's nice.

Ben proposed to me.

What?

He did.

It was really sweet.

I kind of feel

a little bit bad about it.

He was, like, wearing

this great little button-down.

He tucked his shirt in.

He got down on one knee.

It was so sweet.

He didn't have

an actual ring, though.

It was just an empty box.

But, you know,

he had this whole spiel

about when he has the money,

he's gonna buy me

the ring that I deserve and...

The box was just empty?

I mean, he can't

afford a ring, so...

So he got down on one knee

and gave you an empty box?

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Get over it. It was sweet.

I'm telling you,

if you'd been there,

you would have probably cried.

You need to train him.

Huh?

Oprah said that

when two people meet,

they are forced

to point out each other's

differences and flaws.

I thought you were supposed

to just accept people for who

they are, love them anyway.

You criticize them a lot,

and then they get

so down on themselves

that they're forced to change.

Really? You don't think

that would just make it worse?

That'd be, like, naggy.

And then in the end,

they thank you for it.

You can't commit

to him. You can't make

a commitment to him.

You don't even know him.

I don't even know Pete

after 10 years.

What?

I don't know what he's up to.

He's miserable.

Why do you say that?

I think he's cheating on me.

What?

He's always going off

to these business meetings

at odd hours.

And then I try to call him

on his cell phone,

and he says that he's in bad

cell phone reception areas

when he's in good

cell phone reception areas.

Maybe he's working late.

You know, I mean, maybe

he's just working really hard

to sign a new great band

or something.

I can't imagine Pete doing

something like that.

There's no part of you

that thinks that maybe

he's a dirty little scumbag?

No. Mmm-mmm.

I think he might be.

"Memory Spy,

web memory software.

"Locate history files,

websites visited,

"hidden downloads, searches,

email history. Memory Spy."

Let's see you hide

from me now, little man.

So you're not even

gonna tell them?

No. You know,

I don't have to tell them.

It's illegal for them

to fire me over it anyway,

and I get three months

maternity leave if I stay,

so I'm just, you know,

not gonna tell them.

That's a good plan.

Yeah. I like it.

It is a good plan until

her water breaks all over

Robert De Niro's shoes.

"My shoes!

Hey, there's all this

baby goo on it."

"These shoes? On these shoes?

"Did you puke on my shoes?"

"Did your water break

on my shoes?"

"Did you puke on my shoes?"

Oh, my God.

Isn't it weird, though,

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