Knocked Up Page #7

She doesn't like

her gynecologist.

You think she likes you?

She's trying to.

She's entertaining

the idea of liking you.

Exactly. I'll take that.

Yeah, well, see,

she's bringing you

to the gynaechiatrist.

She must like you.

Yeah. Pretty good, I think.

You know who

I'd like to get pregnant,

is that Felicity Huffman, man.

Ever since Transamerica, I can't

get her out of my mind.

Okay, guys. I hate to

crack the whip,

but it's kind of

business meeting time.

I need moolah.

When do you think

we can launch this site?

Jeez.

Look, man. You can't rush this.

You know what happens

to these sites when they go up

and they don't function well?

They die.

Seriously, guys, let's say

I want to launch today.

Let's start. Let's use that

as a jumping off point.

Let's make this happen.

What can we do?

Look, man, I didn't go

to Yale so I could work

I thought you went

to Santa Monica City College.

I went where I went, Jason.

I'm not asking you

to work 12 hours a day.

I mean, you guys watch movies

without nudity in them.

I'll tell you what, man.

We could probably

get it online in three months.

Thank you. Yes! Three months.

Come on, Jason!

F*** off!

Yeah, well, you still have

a little dick, Cartman.

Do you have mints?

Yeah, right there.

I see what you're saying.

Totally.

I don't get how

you're comfortable

with any of these guys

when they're doing

what they're doing to you.

First guy...

Oh, there that sh*t is.

I've been looking for that.

The first guy,

when he put his finger in,

he gave me this look like,

"Sorry, man, it's the job"

and I'm like, "Don't look

at me when your finger's..."

I mean, get in and get out.

Get on with your day,

you know?

That's the closest

I'll ever come to being

in a threesome, I think.

Really?

If you had to do a threesome

with me and one

of my other roommates,

who would it be?

Um...

I'm gonna have to go with Jay.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Jay?

I'm really turned on by his

sort of skinny awkwardness

and his hot little Mohawk.

His Mohawk.

You two are never allowed to be in

the same room ever again.

If we ever had a three-way

with Jay, you turn around,

he'd be sucking my dick.

I'm telling you right now.

Do you smoke cigarettes?

No.

Do you smoke cigarettes?

I have on occasion.

On occasion? When? When was

the last time you had one cig?

You know, one, you know, little...

I need to know,

or I will not be your doctor.

How you doing?

I'm breathing like James

Gandolfini over here.

Slow down, man.

You're making me look

like a jackass.

How long you kids

been married?

We're not.

No.

You're single?

She's not single.

She's just not married.

Are you two together?

Hey, you wanna

trade boyfriends?

Just kidding. Kind of.

That is not your vagina.

That's your a**hole.

That happens

about five times a day.

Are you sure you don't

wanna come paintballing?

Have fun, guys. Seriously.

Watch the eyes.

See you, guys.

See you, Ally. Bye.

I don't wanna go.

I swear to God.

I wanna see Breathless

at the LACMA.

B*obs! B*obs, b*obs, b*obs!

Hold on, pause it,

pause it, pause it.

B*obs and bush!

B*obs and bush.

Good b*obs.

Those are good ones!

We're like

Right in

the beginning credits.

Credit bush.

You never get

opening credit bush.

I know. That's so crazy.

No.

You got me.

You got me.

How many doctors are there

in your practice?

Just 'cause I'm sort of

looking for a more

personal experience.

I wanna make sure

that you're my doctor

on the day, and...

Yeah, I understand.

We have three other doctors

in the practice,

but I'm your man, okay?

I don't take vacations.

I hate Hawaii.

I went to the Caribbean

when I was 14,

and I'm never going back.

I feel really good about this.

I think we found our doctor.

Really?

Yeah.

All right.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah.

Wow.

You look relieved.

I am very relieved.

I can't imagine meeting

any more of you people.

You're being dramatic.

We didn't meet that many.

Do they know?

Pardon?

The belly.

Oh, yeah. The donuts,

they call to me.

Hey, Allison. Great job.

Thanks.

You're pregnant, aren't you?

What?

I mean, you've put on like,

eight pounds, nine.

It's all in your uterus.

Oh, sh*t.

I haven't told them.

Do you think

they're gonna be mad?

I'm, like, really

chickening out about this.

It's okay. We can hide this.

We'll dress you in black,

and we'll emphasize

your b*obs.

Awesome.

I mean, your b*obs

are gonna be big.

And then they're

gonna be, like, scary big.

But then they'll go down.

And then they'll stay down.

Just... Just don't

say anything, okay?

Please don't say anything.

Oh, no, I won't, I won't.

Just tell them. They'll be cool.

Everybody loves

somebody pregnant.

Did you see

this sex offender website?

These are all the sex

offenders in our neighborhood.

Looks like your computer

has chicken pox.

Those are sex offenders.

These people live

in our neighborhood.

Well, I'll skip their houses

when we're trick-or-treating.

What do you want me to do?

Form a posse?

Got your six-shooter on you?

I got my lynching rope.

You shouldn't take it

so lightly.

I don't take it lightly.

You know, I'm not gonna

go over to any of these

people's houses and say,

"Hey, do you mind...

Can you baby-sit?"

If I didn't care about

these things,

you wouldn't

care about anything.

Care more.

You're so concerned

with stuff, like

"Don't get them vaccinated.

"Don't let them eat fish.

There's mercury in the water."

Jesus, how much

Dateline NBC can you watch?

I know we're supposed

to be nice

with each other right now,

but I'm having

a really hard time.

I'm struggling

with it right now.

What am I doing?

'Cause I want to rip your

f***ing head off because

you're so f***ing stupid!

This is scary.

These are our children.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

You f***ing dipshit.

God! You...

Mmm-hmm.

I literally am at a point where

I don't know what I can say.

So I'm the bad guy

because I'm trying to protect

our kids from child molesters

and mercury?

And you're cool

'cause you don't give a sh*t.

Yeah.

Yeah? Is that it?

Pretty much.

God, you're an a**hole.

Don't do this in front of Ben.

I don't give a sh*t about Ben.

Sorry, Ben.

It's okay. I didn't think

she did, anyway.

Okay, come on! Let's go.

Oh, I can't go.

This band is doing a showcase

out in the Valley. I got to go.

It's Saturday.

I got to go.

You don't want to know

the sex of the baby?

That's no fun.

Ben knows, but I've

sworn him to secrecy.

I'll get it out of him.

No.

Hey.

Think we'll ever be as happy

as Baby Bjrn couple is?

We are that happy.

Yeah. You look happy.

Which is awesome,

'cause I never like

guys like you. It's great.

You keep saying that. I know.

This is it. This is perfect.

Nice.

Holy sh*t! It's 1,400 bucks.

We can just borrow yours.

Is that okay?

No. You need your own crib.

You know, there's one

of these lying in an alley

behind my house.

We could just grab that.

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