Knocked Up Page #6

at the office.

Uh-huh.

Do you have

any acting experience?

No. Uh-huh.

How's it going?

You wanna toke?

No. I'm good.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Jodi.

Yeah, hi.

I heard you were pregnant.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, aren't you scared?

The way it's gonna

come out of your...

It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet.

Your vagina...

That's so sick.

I don't know.

Are you hungry?

No, I'm okay right now.

Thank you.

You must be angry

at the baby whenever

it steals your food, huh?

"Oh, it's mine, not yours."

But, you know,

because you're family,

you got to share.

Right.

Man, my balls are shaved.

My pubes are trimmed.

I'm ready to f***ing

rock this sh*t.

What the f***, man?

If I go in there and see

f***ing pubes sprinkled

on the toilet seat,

I'm gonna f***ing

lose my mind!

Last time I went

to the bathroom, Jay,

I took a sh*t and my sh*t looked

like a f***ing stuffed animal!

You're embarrassing me

in company.

You embarrass yourself.

Oh, great. I hope you have

a great evening!

All right. Let's go.

Okay.

See you guys later.

The funny thing is I really

had never even thought

about having a baby.

Yeah.

I mean, if this

hadn't happened,

I don't think I would have

wanted to have a baby for like,

I don't know,

at least 10 years.

At least!

God, I mean, honestly,

I just got used to the, like,

notion that someone would even

have sex with me.

I didn't think

this would happen.

Get ready.

This will be coming out of you

in seven months.

This is exactly what

our baby will look like.

It's a beautiful picture, Ben.

It is. It's not bad.

Hello, Mommy.

Our baby's gonna be

French-Canadian.

With a little hint

of Spanish.

Exactly. I'm not good

with accents, but...

Baby books.

Awesome.

"What to Expect

When You're Expecting. "

What can we expect?

Well, you can't eat sushi.

You can't smoke.

You can't smoke marijuana.

You can't smoke crack.

You can't jump on trampolines.

This is basically a giant list

of things you can't do.

Yeah, it sounds thrilling.

I'm gonna be sitting there

on the trampoline

smoking crack.

And you're not gonna have

anything to do.

You're gonna be bored.

But I can't wait

to read these, honestly.

Seriously, I put these

in front of my toilet, though,

they'll be read

by tomorrow morning.

Do you want me

to get you that?

Yeah.

You like it?

Yeah, thank you.

No problem.

These are heavy.

So what do you think?

Should we have sex tonight?

Sounds awful.

I'm just really constipated.

Do you really want to?

Well, now...

Shut up.

It's pretty crazy,

your sister's pregnant.

We have to help her.

I think they'll be fine.

Look at us. It happened to us.

We'll help her raise the baby.

Well...

F***!

At least we don't have

to use a condom, you know?

But we can. I don't...

I brought some

just in case. I don't...

I don't have VD or anything.

I mean, I don't, I thought...

It's not that.

You know, it's just...

I thought maybe we could get

a little fun out of

your situation, you know?

Okay, first of all,

it's not my situation.

It's our situation.

I know, of course,

I know that.

And just because I'm pregnant,

I'm not some ruined woman

and all romance

goes out the door.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

It's just...

I like you a lot.

That's all this is. That's...

I like you, too.

Sweet.

A little, so far.

I mean, we have seven months

before the baby comes.

We don't have to rush it.

Yeah.

We should really just try

to get to know each other

and give this a real shot.

You know, we got ourselves

into this situation.

We kind of have to.

For the baby, right?

Exactly.

Okay, if this was our second

date, what would you do?

B.J., if I'm just being

honest, I would probably...

I told my roommates

I thought I was gonna

get a B.J., so...

You know what?

For the sake of getting

to know one another,

can you not talk like that?

Yeah, I can do that.

I'm... I'm really nervous.

I'm nervous, too.

I'm really nervous.

Yeah.

You're a sweet guy, right?

I think I am. Yeah.

Don't f*** me over, okay?

I wouldn't do that.

Just so you know,

I'm the guy girls f*** over.

I'm that guy.

So you don't f*** me over.

Okay?

Okay.

I couldn't take it.

I can't raise this baby alone.

Who's he?

I'm Ben Stone.

He's my boyfriend.

That's nice.

I've never met him before.

Well, he's a new boyfriend.

But a boyfriend.

So he came over

for breakfast because

he's your new boyfriend?

Yeah.

He came from his house.

Drove over to our house

because he thought

it would be fun

to have breakfast with us,

so he drove his car

from his house to our house

to have breakfast.

Because he likes

breakfast so much.

I love breakfast.

You guys wanna hear something neat?

We're gonna have a baby together.

What?

Yeah, a baby.

Well, you're not married.

Aren't you supposed

to be married to have a baby?

You don't have to be.

But they should be

because they love each other,

and people who love each other

get married and have babies.

Mmm-mmm.

Do you love each other?

Yes, they love each other.

Because that's what you do.

When you love each other,

you get married

and have a baby.

Where do babies come from?

Where do you think

they come from?

Well, I think a stork,

he drops it down,

and then a hole goes

in your body,

and there's blood everywhere,

coming out of your head,

and then you push

your belly button,

and then your butt falls off,

and then you hold your butt

and you have to dig,

and you'll find a little baby.

That's exactly right.

Feed the teddy bear.

Okay, I feed

your bear the grass?

Okay.

You know what your bear

would also like

to do with some grass?

Smoke it.

What do you think of him?

He's funny, right?

Mmm-hmm.

Fetch.

All right, bring it back.

He's playing fetch

with my kids.

He's treating my kids

like they're dogs.

No, he's not.

Go get it! Fetch!

Who plays fetch

with kids?

He's trying.

He's making an effort.

Bring it back.

He's overweight.

Where does that end?

How old is he?

Looks 33.

He can barely get in and out

of that little house.

Imagine how much bigger

he's gonna get.

That means he has bad genes.

Your kid is gonna

be overweight.

Sh*t.

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get...

Just give him a break.

Okay. I'll try.

They seem to love bubbles.

Oh, God. They go

ape sh*t over bubbles.

They're really going ape sh*t.

I mean, that's an incredible

thing about a child.

I mean, what's so great

about bubbles?

They float. You can pop them.

I mean, I get it. I get it.

I wish I liked anything as much

as my kids like bubbles.

That's sad.

It's totally sad.

Their smiling faces just

point out your inability

to enjoy anything.

Am I gonna be okay, man?

Oh, who knows?

Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.

You're asking the wrong guy.

Just don't ask me to lend you

any money, you know?

Can I just have some?

No.

I have 15 years

of tennis lessons.

And 12 years

of sucking dick lessons.

So?

I can't ref the next games,

by the way.

I got to go meet

gynecologists with Allison.

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