Knocked Up Page #5

I'm supposed to come?

Yes.

Hello. My name is

Thomas Pellagrino.

I'm... I'm Ben Stone.

Hi, there, champ.

Nice to meet you.

And you must be

Debbie's sister.

Yeah.

Alice.

Allison. Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Good.

So, what can

I help you with today,

Mr. and Mrs. Stone?

I took a home pregnancy test,

and it said I was pregnant,

so here we are.

Okay. Let's have a look.

Legs up.

Nice office.

Thank you.

Well, you do look

a lot like your sister.

This is gonna be cold.

And you're next.

Okay, there is

the cervix and the uterus.

See that?

That dark sac there,

that's the amniotic sac.

And right there

in the middle is the embryo.

Do you see that flicker?

You know what that is?

Yeah, that's a heartbeat.

Yeah, it looks like

you are pregnant.

About eight or nine weeks,

I'd say.

Congratulations.

That... That's it?

Yep.

Take good care of it.

Now the fun part starts.

Let me... Let me make

a picture for you, huh?

That'll be fun.

Okay. Well, I'II...

I'll meet you in my office.

Okay.

I'll give you

a little time alone, there.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

It's okay.

I can't f***ing believe

you didn't wear a bag!

Who does that?

Why did we go to Costco

and buy a year's supply

of condoms

if you weren't gonna

use them, man?

I can't believe you did this.

You f***ed everything up.

Look, the real point

is not to get yourself

in this position.

That's what

you have to realize.

You gotta know

all the tricks.

Like, for example,

if a woman's on top,

she can't get pregnant.

It's just gravity.

Well, that's true.

Everyone knows that.

What goes up must come down.

I think it's awesome that

you're gonna have a kid, man.

Think about it like this.

It's just an excuse to play

with all your old toys again.

You know what

I think you should do?

Take care of it.

Tell me you don't want him

to get an "A" word.

Yes, I do, and I won't say it

for little Baby Ears

over there,

but it rhymes

with "Shma-shmortion."

I'm just saying...

Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.

You should get

a shma-shmortion

at the shma-shmortion clinic.

Ben, you cannot let

these monsters have

any part of your child's life.

All right? I'm gonna be

there to rear your child.

You hear that, Ben?

Don't let him near the kid.

He wants

to rear your child!

I just have a quick question.

Do you use that Canadian

flag tattoo as a cum target

of some sort?

How many points do you get if you hit

the leaf? Like a million?

Jonah, I am a patriot.

This is a tribute to my

country and my countrymen.

I always aim right.

Right into a dude's ass.

Please, guys.

Ben, come on, man.

I'm just kidding you.

Oh, great. Now he's upset.

I won't let him do it.

Allison, just take care of it.

Take care of it. Move on.

What's gonna happen

with your career?

How are you gonna tell them?

I'm not gonna tell them

for a while.

I have a while

before I have to say anything.

How could you not tell them?

They're not gonna know.

I mean, I'm only gonna start

to show when I'm like,

I don't know,

six months or something.

Seven months.

Three months.

No.

Three months. Fat in the face,

jowls, fat ass.

Debbie didn't get fat.

Debbie is a freak of nature.

Mom, you know,

it's important to me

that you be supportive.

I cannot be supportive

of this. This is a mistake.

This is a big, big mistake.

Now, think about

your stepsister.

Now, you remember

what happened with her?

She had the same

situation as you,

and she had it taken care of.

And you know what?

Now she has a real baby.

Honey, this is not the time.

I'm gonna be a grandfather.

You happy about that?

Absolutely. Delighted.

This is a disaster.

No, this is not a disaster.

It is...

An earthquake is a disaster.

Your grandmother

having Alzheimer's so bad

she doesn't even know

who the f*** I am,

that's a disaster.

This is a good thing.

This is a blessing.

I have a vision

for how my life would go,

and this definitely is not it.

Wait. Is this your vision?

Are you living

your vision right now?

I am kind of living

my vision, yeah.

Well, that is sad,

I'm telling you.

Life doesn't care

about your vision. Okay?

Stuff happens.

You just got to deal with it.

You roll with it.

That's the beauty of it all.

I just don't get how I tell

the kid not to do drugs

when I do drugs.

I'll feel like a hypocrite.

Well, remember what I told you

when you were a teenager?

What did you say?

I said,

"No pills, no powders."

That's right, that's right.

Right. If it grows

in the ground,

it's probably okay.

I mean, I guess it worked.

Like you told me not

to smoke pot all those years,

and then I found out

you were smoking pot

that whole time.

Not the whole time.

Just in the evenings

and all day every weekend.

Not that much.

Honestly, though,

when you look at me

do you not think at all, like,

"You know,

if he just never existed,

"I would have avoided

a massive heap of trouble,"

you know?

Absolutely not.

I love you totally

and completely.

You're the best thing

that ever happened to me.

I'm the best thing

that ever happened to you?

Yeah.

Now I just feel bad for you.

Hello?

Hi. Ben?

Oh. Hey, Allison.

How's it going?

Good, good.

You know,

I was just calling to...

To let you know that I've

decided to keep the baby.

I'm keeping it.

Oh.

Yeah. So, that's

what's happening with that.

Good. That's good. That's what

I was hoping you'd do.

So, awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, it is good.

Okay, I know

we didn't plan this,

and, you know,

neither of us really thought

it was gonna happen,

but life is like that,

you know,

you can't plan for it.

And even if we did plan,

life doesn't care about

your plans, necessarily.

And you just kind of have

to go with the flow and,

you know,

I know my job is to just

support you in whatever

it is you wanna do,

and, I'm in, you know.

So whatever you wanna do,

I'm gonna do,

you know. It's...

I'm on board. Yay!

I really appreciate

you saying that.

No problem.

You know, so I'll tell you,

you know, maybe if you could

help me by telling me, like,

one thing that I am

supposed to do,

then that would be good,

because I literally have

no idea whatsoever.

I have no idea, either.

So, do you want to, like,

get together and talk about it

or something like that?

Yeah, sure.

Like a date? I mean...

Yeah.

Hey.

Hi.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

No problem. Come on in.

Everyone,

this is Allison.

Hi.

Ally. Hey. Jason,

I'm sure you remember.

Yes.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Your body's responding

really well to the pregnancy.

Thank you.

It's amazing

how fast the milk arrives.

Oh.

How's your sis?

She's good.

Oh, good. Tell her,

"What's up?" for me.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna go make

a protein shake.

And this beautiful

young man is Jonah.

Hi.

Hey.

Okay, that's Martin

and Jodi over there.

Hi.

I'm gonna grab my shirt.

Just take a seat if you want.

Okay.

Cool.

You are scared, aren't you?

Just another day

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