Knocked Up Page #4

Did I meet him?

Yeah. You know, he was

kind of like medium height,

sort of chubby.

Blonde, curly hair. Remember?

With the man-b*obs.

Yes.

Here, I have this thing

of him on my phone.

I just watched it.

Hey! I live in your phone!

Oh.

This is the best

night of my life.

I gotta pee.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

How did this happen?

Oh, sh*t.

Well, there's only

one way to find out.

They're here!

Here they are! Over here!

Oh, no.

Okay, here we are.

Okay.

Okay. All right.

Here.

Oh, no. Give me more!

Give me a few more!

Did you try the Ova-Sure?

I'm dripping,

I'm dripping. Wait.

Oh, good! A smiley face!

Oh, I think that's bad.

How long does this one take?

These can't all be positive.

Let me try one.

God, you really had to pee.

What is this?

What the hell is this?

I think you picked up

the wrong one.

Oh, f***.

That scared me.

That would suck. I'm sorry.

That scared me.

It's gonna be fine. Right?

Right?

Of course it will be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

You just need to call him.

Maybe I don't need to call him

until after I see the doctor.

You need to call.

I don't want to call him.

I don't need to call him.

You should call.

I can't call him anyway.

He doesn't even have a phone.

He didn't even have

a number to give me.

He doesn't have a phone?

Said he had some

kind of billing issue.

He can't afford a phone?

Sadie has a phone.

Oh, sh*t, you're right.

I got to call.

I don't know. I'm gonna

have to look him up

on his stupid website.

What kind of website

does he have?

He spelled "coming"

wrong. Oh, it's cum...

Yeah.

Oh, that's gross.

Just go to "Contact Us."

Ben?

Yeah.

"What is your number?

I need to speak

with you right away."

Send?

Yep.

You're sure?

Yeah.

I love weed.

I could smoke weed

every second of every day.

Jay, I am your stoner.

Hey, Benjamin?

Yeah.

Flesh of the Stars

just got an e-mail.

Really?

Would you like me

to read it to you?

Yeah, sure.

"Ben, what is your number?

"I need to speak to you

right away. Allison Scott."

Oh! Sh*t!

Someone wants seconds, mama!

Oh, man!

"Looking forward

to speaking with you."

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do one of those

smiley faces at the end.

F***ing-A. Those are sexy.

Sent.

Somebody wants another piece!

Booty-booty call.

Yeah, hello?

Hi.

Hey, Ben, this is...

This is Allison. I don't know

if you remember me.

Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?

She like the way

your dick tastes.

Yeah, I actually was

just wondering if maybe you

wanted to get together,

like tomorrow night?

I've been meaning

to call you so we could,

like, hook up again.

You know what I'm saying?

Okay, cool.

Let's meet up maybe

tomorrow night? You wanna

just grab some dinner?

Yeah. Why not?

Meeting of minds sounds good.

What do you say Geisha House,

Hollywood, 9:
00?

Sure, sure. That's cool.

Can we make it

more like 6:
00, though?

I'd like to keep it early.

Yeah, leaves

more time for afterwards.

Dessert. Sweet.

Okay, great.

So, yeah. I'll just meet

you there, then, at 6:00.

Yeah.

I'll see you there.

Okay, take care. Peace.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm gonna get laid,

motherf***er!

Yes! Yes!

Nice place, huh?

Yeah,

it's really nice.

Sorry it took so long to

get a table. I didn't realize

you needed a reservation.

Oh, no, that's okay.

So how's work?

Great.

How's E!?

Great.

That's awesome.

Do you know Vince Vaughn?

Have you ever met him?

No.

I really feel like

we'd get along well. I just...

He seems like a fun guy.

I feel like we'd, like,

hang together well.

Mmm-hmm.

I feel like he'd like me.

I'm sure a lot of guys

are like, "Oh, I'd like

to hang out with that celeb",

but I really think he would

want to hang out with me,

is like the cool thing.

I'm sure he would. Yeah.

You look very pretty, though.

Thanks.

By the way.

Yeah, I just thought...

I don't know, I thought

maybe it'd be cool

to hang out

a little bit and...

We didn't really get

to talk that much

last time, so I thought...

That we didn't.

I thought maybe we'd

just talk and get to know

each other better.

Cool. Okay.

I'll start. I'm Canadian.

Oh, that's cool.

From Vancouver. I live

here illegally, actually.

Don't tell anyone.

But it works out

in my advantage,

I think, ultimately,

'cause I don't have

to pay any taxes.

So financially that's helpful

'cause I don't have

a lot of money.

You know, I mean,

I'm not poor or anything,

but I eat a lot of spaghetti.

So, you know, the web page

or whatever is just something

that you guys do for fun?

Do you have a real job?

Well, that is our job.

Oh.

We don't technically get money

for the hours we put in,

but it is our job.

So, how do you... Right.

How do I pay rent and sh*t?

When I was in high school,

I got ran over

by a postal truck.

Oh, my God.

It just kind of...

It was my foot

more than anything.

But I got like 14 grand from

the British Columbia government.

Right.

And that really lasted me.

I mean, until now.

It's been almost 10 years.

I have like 900 bucks left.

So that should last me for,

like, I mean, I'm not

a mathematician,

but like another

two years or some sh*t.

I think.

Yeah.

So I have something

I really need to tell you.

It's kind of why I called you.

Here goes. Um...

I'm pregnant.

F*** off.

What?

What?

I'm pregnant.

With emotion?

With a baby.

You're the father.

I'm the father?

Yes.

How the f***

could this happen?

I don't know.

I don't know. I mean,

I thought you were

wearing a condom.

No.

What?

I wasn't.

Why not?

Because you told me not to.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

You told me not to.

I did not tell you

not to wear a condom.

Here's what happened, okay?

I will give you a play-by-play

of my memory.

I almost had

the condom on my dick.

It was on the cusp,

and then you said,

"Just do it, already."

I didn't mean do it

without a condom.

I meant "do it"

like "hurry up,"

like "Get f***ing going!"

Well, I assumed

you were wearing a patch,

or like a dental dam

or one of those

f***ing butterfly clips

or something like that.

What the hell is a dental dam?

It's like Saran Wrap!

It's disgusting, okay?

But I thought you had one.

Why the f*** didn't you

stop me once we started?

I don't know! I couldn't tell

that you didn't have one on!

Obviously, I was drunk!

Was your vagina drunk?

Did you think

it's the thinnest condom

on earth I have on?

I'm a f***ing inventor?

I made a dick-skin condom?

He hollowed out

a penis and put it on?

What the f***?

You are unbelievable.

Okay, you know what? Maybe

I've reacted unfavorably.

So what happens now?

I don't know how this works.

I am going to

the doctor next week,

and I thought you could

come with me

to the gynecologist.

So you haven't seen him,

though?

No.

So you don't know

if you're pregnant.

Well, I'm not 100% sure.

You're not 100% sure.

I bet you're not pregnant.

No, they're not.

No, they're all in the bag.

They're in the bag.

Allison Scott?

Yeah. Come on.

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