Laerte-se Page #3

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SINCE A FAIRY CAME,

LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME SAID:

...NOW, YOUR NAME IS...

ERIKA BALLYHOO!!

I opened a hatch, I opened a door,

which is taking me

to things I've never done.

And they interest me a lot.

I feel, more than I believe,

that I am doing something very vital.

And this is what I want to do.

You are investigating

what being a woman means to you?

Yes. I am investigating

the woman I can be.

SIR, YOU CANNOT BOARD LIKE THAT.

"SIR"?

MADAM, YOU CANNOT BOARD LIKE THAT.

"MADAM"?

YOU CAN'T BOARD LIKE THAT.

"LIKE THAT"?

This was the big drama until 2004.

It was something that hadn't reached

a conscious level as a possibility,

it was a fantasy

I reserved for my characters to use.

WOOHOO! I LOVE TESTS!

I would let Hugo cross dress,

I let him wear make-up.

And he, in his comical speech,

was fatally seen as ridiculous.

SO BORING...

And Lola...

I like her a lot because she is...

free.

She doesn't have an attitude repertoire,

she doesn't have anything.

She is just a bird flying.

-DO HOUSES FLY?

-I HAD TO LEARN, LOLA...

We see a bird flying

as something without a purpose.

But for the bird, it is every purpose.

It is looking for something.

It is not just fluttering, hovering.

No, it is going somewhere.

-How about you?

-Huh?

-How about you?

-Well, I am going somewhere too.

I am just not sure where to.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL, LOLA!

...WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF THE LEAVES?

THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH GREEN!

LOLA, THE SWALLOW

When I started this transition,

I knew I would not become a woman,

in the sense of changing my genitals

and being born again.

This idea of being born again

has never crossed my mind.

So, what I felt was happiness

at being able to exercise this freedom,

and being able to take this journey

and broaden my borders,

to the point that I don't need it anymore.

I don't need to be

in somebody else's country and not mine.

In a way, you feel

as if you were in a different country,

you feel like you're learning a new

language when you learn certain things

that are sometimes presented

to you as challenges.

"Ah, so you want to be a woman,

but you don't even know how to...

You haven't shaved your armpits."

And then, okay, I shave my armpits.

"Ah, so you want to be a woman

but you don't know how to sit."

So, you learn how to sit.

"You want to be a woman,

but you don't know how to..."

There are things that you need,

in a way. You have to know them.

They are a language, in a way.

I am discovering, within what exists

in the universe of things,

what is offered to women.

What serves me, what fits me,

what expresses me.

How can you be a woman,

leaving the body aside? Is it possible?

There is no way

you can leave the body aside.

But it cannot be just about the body.

I mean, the body question is vital,

but it cannot be all,

otherwise we...

accept biology as the only way.

Your uterus is your destiny,

that type of thing.

And that's not how it goes.

So...

The body is part

of a complex negotiation.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED!

NOT THERE, EITHER!

THAT'S YOURS NOW!

What is being a woman?

I have learned

that it is possible

to be a woman with my genitals, yes.

What is it to feel like a woman?

It is something I feel I am.

It is something I feel I am more and more.

END OF PARTY NIGH IT COMES WITH THE SAD

BUT NECESSARY PART.

GIVING MURIEL A REST...

WOOHOO!

Now, is it definite or not?

You're a woman and that's it?

You get a stamp?

No, because this question

is becoming something of less importance.

It ends up being like this...

Why do I need

to officially be a man or a woman?

I am not building a feminine identity,

but that's because

I don't need any identity.

It may be that the identity

I already have is working fine.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU WILL NEVER BE A REAL WOMAN.

OH DEAR. NOW WHAT?

I was never attracted to breasts,

for example.

Specifically in the girlfriends

and women that were objects of my desire,

breasts were not exactly

special items to me.

But at any time during sex,

have you wished you had them?

-Being in this other...

-Ah, well, that I always had.

No, but having breasts, having...

Not wanting that person's breasts,

but wanting breasts for yourself.

Never very much. Clearly, I never did.

I always hid these things from myself...

The certainty of my desires...

They always came...

BREASTULAN:

INSTANT BREASTS:

...they came unknown, even to myself.

WOOHOO!

WARNING:

DO NOT SCREAM OR THEY WILL DEFLATE

There is something

about the simplicity of breasts

which the genital transformation

does not have.

Genital transformation is,

to me, a little scary,

because it involves a revolution...

It is almost a battle fought in a region,

both to go from man to woman

and from woman to man.

Why is your experience public?

-Why is it happening on a stage?

-In a way, it's like the interviews.

Because it was asked of me.

-But you want it too?

-Yes.

-Otherwise you would say no.

-So much that I posed naked.

And that was my idea.

The pictures were not intended

to be sexy or anything like that.

It was the meaning of human nudity.

Naked is something very rich to me.

And I wanted to go there

personally as well.

I didn't want to just see myself naked.

I wanted to show myself naked too.

-How are you?

-You look great!

-You too. You look great.

-Thanks!

-Especially naked. I loved it.

-Naked? Ah! For the Rolling Stone.

-Did you like it?

-You look gorgeous.

-Wait until I have b*obs.

-Ah, don't get implants!

-I will! It will be so nice.

-Don't do that! So much work. It sucks.

-I never had them, but they must suck.

-What sucks is having balls.

Oh, well...

I am daring to do something

that was in the banned area.

"Don't mess with your body."

-Banned by you?

-Yes.

So, this is something bold for me.

It is kind of strange.

I am not known for being bold.

-You aren't?

-No.

-How are you?

-Fine.

How have you been? I'm fine.

Me too.

It is changing a bit.

This pleases me too, you know?

It is a side of me

that I am enjoying to get to know.

I have a question

regarding the volume of the implants.

What exactly does it mean

to have this implant in my body?

If I am living with the idea

that I am a woman

without hormones, without hips,

and the idea is feasible to me,

then why do I need breasts?

So, it's a rollercoaster.

When will I see you?

When you bring me these...

The tests, right?

For the tests,

but it will be closer to the operation.

I don't know.

When I get home, I take off my bra...

And the b*obs go with it.

I keep thinking,

"Man, I wish they would stay."

What do you think?

What do you think, Selina?

I don't see myself

as a very sexualized person, you know?

I don't see myself as somebody...

Oh God. How do I say this?

I must be more prudish than I thought.

I don't see myself as somebody

for whom

sex is something so vital.

I am not thinking about getting b*obs

to exercise a sexual life.

It's not because of sex.

What are you thinking about?

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