Last Action Hero Page #7

Oh, I think not. Toast?

No, thanks.

Jack, are you okay?

We talked.

I mean, I never just talked

to a woman before. It's neat.

Neat?

Wimp. Next, they'll be talking about sex.

Me and Jack are going out today!

I'm helping him on a case!

Oh, no.

Your license to kill

expired at 4:
00 this morning, young man.

Get in here and eat some eggs.

Mom, I have to help. I'm the only witness.

You know, like the kid in the movie

with Harrison Ford?

There is no comparison.

We're not Jewish.

- Amish.

- Whatever-ish!

Irene. Don't worry. It won't be that hard.

There are eight million in this city.

And I'm very good at catching people.

Yeah! And the future of

the world may be at stake, and, and maybe...

Could you turn this up, please?

What's that?

- Mozart.

- The guy Practice killed?

That's right, Jack.

You like classical music?

I don't know. I think I will. Wow.

You tell my mom who you really were?

Yeah, a cop from LA.

I mean, really.

Well, real enough. For right now.

So you think for sure

you're going to catch him?

I always catch everybody.

And you're going to spot him from up here?

Hey, give me a break.

It's the first time I've been to anyplace real.

Now, this ticket of yours...

It worked in one movie.

Does that mean

that Benedict could use it again?

You mean on other movies?

Why would he want to do that?

I don't know.

But it's a start.

The possibilities are limitless.

But I realized after the car crash

that the ultimate freedom

would always elude me

until Jack Slater was,

and forgive the pun, taken out of the picture.

And I thought perhaps

you might like to be inclined to help.

Look, I understand that

all this must be strange and difficult for you,

but if you do this right,

the world is your oyster. Trust me.

You can have complete freedom

to do whatever you want.

Beyond even your wildest dreams.

And you'll never have to

go back to this film again.

Now I know you've never heard of this man,

but his actual name, believe it or not,

is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Jack, there's got to be a thousand theaters

in this city

and we've been looking for five hours.

We are that close in catching him.

No, Jack.

We're that close to catching pneumonia.

- Look, in my world, they just leave clues.

- But we're not in your world!

Or they just show up and then kidnap me.

That kind of stuff doesn't happen here, Jack,

because this world stinks!

Hey.

The world is what you make of it, Danny.

Now if you want to give up

and go home, then go ahead.

You believed in me in the movies.

Why not now?

Because here, you're just...

Just what?

Jack... Jack, there he is!

Jack!

Are you nuts?

- Damn it!

- Hey, you crazy a**hole!

Jack, he's just a cabbie!

You've seen those movies where they say,

"Make my day"

or "I am your worst nightmare."

Well, listen to this one,

rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Ha! You didn't know I'm gonna say that,

did you?

- Where did he go? Talk!

- How would I know?

The guy was in the back reading the paper.

You were right, Jack.

He has been going to the movies.

Kid, that ain't the half of it.

Hi, I'm Army Archerd,

and we are live to you from New York.

We're just moments away

from the world premiere of

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Jack Slater IV.

And here's the man they've come to see,

folks. There's no mistaking that car.

Here they are, Arnold Schwarzenegger

and his lovely wife, Maria Shriver.

- So good to see you all.

- Are you a big-time fan of Jack Slater films?

I've enjoyed...

It was just beautiful... I just loved it.

The National Enquirer. Don't talk to them.

Okay?

Hi, how are you?

Look, Time magazine. That's great. Hi.

Hi. How are you? Hello.

Now remember, don't plug the restaurants.

I just hate it when you plug

the restaurants or the gyms. It's so tacky.

So why was he going to the movies?

Maybe to get help.

Benedict can do damn near anything

with the ticket, but we still know who he is.

- So he's got to take us out.

- He can't get to you.

Suppose he doesn't have to get to me.

Suppose all he has to do is get to him.

Benedict is going to kill Schwarzenegger.

- Who's Schwarzenegger, who's Slater.

- Bingo.

We kill less people in this movie.

This movie we only killed 48 people

compared to the last one,

where we killed 119.

And I want to make sure that the action fans

understand

we make up for it with a good story,

lot of emotions, depth, dimensions...

There are thousands in attendance

here tonight.

And millions more are

listening to us live around the world.

I'm going to direct it,

produce it, and star in it.

- Is this guy a success story, or what?

- It's unbelievable.

Only in America.

Well, only in Hollywood, I would say.

And talking about Hollywood,

at Planet Hollywood, we have this incredible

memorabilia. Yes, I'm telling you...

Excuse us, we're just gonna get going.

Thanks very much.

...absolutely fabulous. I'm telling you.

You embarrassed me, you low-forehead.

It was humiliating.

How could you do something like that?

Chris, check this out. Look, it's the Ripper

from Jack Slater III.

Scary.

Let's "ax" him a question, okay?

See if we can get him over here.

Wow, will you look at this?

A method villain.

Rip, Rip, come here.

What brings you here tonight?

I... I thought I might kill someone.

Maybe you should start with

your designer.

Nobody wants to miss out tonight.

The limos just keep coming.

The stars are really shining in Times Square.

Excuse me, sir.

Could I see your invitation?

Pete, it's okay.

He's with me. I'm his agent.

Jesus Christ, Tom, come here.

My goodness, it's Tom Noonan, of course,

the actor who played the Ripper.

Who plays the Rip...

What?

What are you, nuts? You want to play

ax killers the rest of your life?

Honey, honey, come here.

I'm gonna need the manager's office

for about five, 10 minutes.

- I'm sorry, sir...

- You're sorry? Here's 50 bucks.

How sorry are you now?

What do you think

Jack Slater says about America?

I really want to hear it.

I don't really want to hear it.

I'm not really a big fan ofArnold's

but she is, you know.

Arnold really turns her on and I just want to

be there when it happens, that's all.

Good, Tom, you got the props, too.

That's terrific.

Why don't you just whip a hibachi

out from under your coat there?

And we could make some shish kebabs

for the critics. That'd be good.

You're lucky I have a friend

who rents tuxedos.

Hello. Yeah. I know it's late. Tell him it's me.

Did Nicholson show up to the premiere

of Batman dressed as the Joker?

I don't think so.

Hi, Murray,

get me your brother-in-law, will you?

Yes, it's important.

It fits nice. Moving the button was

a good idea. Just get...

Hey, Marv. Yeah, I need a tux.

- What the hell was that?

- Hey! Watch it!

You're a big action guy.

What do you think about this?

I would never miss

the premiere for a second.

Where am I sitting? Where?

Where am I sitting?

There's two balconies.

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