Laws of Attraction Page #3

What? Trial marriage? I thought you just

said marriage was dead in the water.

And that's why I don't date.

Subject closed.

- How about you?

- How about me, what?

You dating anyone?

I thought you just closed that subject.

- I just reopened it.

- I see.

You mean,

apart from tonight?

This isn't a date.

- This is a meeting.

- Seriously?

Yes, seriously. My first response

is always the truth.

It's a rule I live by,

personally and professionally.

A person's first response

is what they truly feel.

Oh, that's very good, very profound.

I mean, I couldn't agree more.

But can't we reach a compromise,

call it an intimate meeting?

Intimacy doesn't change a thing.

Business is business.

Oh, come on,

you don't mean that.

Oh, boy.

Don't you try to analyze me

with your disheveled, bohemian,

"my socks don't match,

therefore I have insight to all things"

whacko mindset.

There are no psychoanalytical

shortcuts into my pants, okay?

Dos huevos de chivos.

Gracias.

Mmm.

Oh, look, medical

waste in a glass.

- No umbrella?

- Okay, you're gonna have to drink this.

This is an old

Cuban tradition I learned.

Before the duel,

the two opponents drink

the huevo de chivo together.

It means "just because

I'm trying to kill you,

doesn't mean I don't

love and respect you."

Huevo de chivo.

Ohh! Ahh!

What the hell was that?

Huevo de chivo.

Goat's nut.

Goat's nut?

I just had a goat's nut

in my mouth?

No, it's a cherry.

It's a cherry.

Look, it's a maraschino cherry.

Mmm, there you go.

Too strong for you?

Not at all.

- Let's have another.

- No.

No, this is lethal stuff.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Waitress?!

- Oh, no.

- Huevo de chivo.

- Huevo de chivo.

- Mmm.

- Hah!

Uh-oh.

Did you bring an umbrella,

Mrs. Weather Channel?

65%?

I mean, if you'd said 85 or 90...

Yeah, and it's precisely

that 25% extra

that you need and I don't.

And there's a difference

between how you and I

need different percentages.

Because if my style

is 6-5 and you're 8-5...

Whooo!

- I'm a little drunk.

- Yeah.

Well, at least

we'll be equally hung over

when we see Judge Abramovitz

in the morning.

Yeah, you and her,

what's up with that?

Oh, my mouth has gone numb.

I can't feel anything.

Can you?

I felt that okay.

Hey. Hey, you're

not supposed... yeah.

You?

Oh!

Oh my God.

What have I done?

Cup of coffee?

Due in court, 45 minutes.

- Clothes are in the dryer.

- The dryer?

I wore panties.

That much I remember.

Did I do anything last night

I might regret?

I hope not.

Ohh.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

At least we'll both arrive

in court looking like hell.

Ready?

- Oh, come on!

- What's wrong?

I mean, you always say

I look like crap.

Don't you like it?

Tie looks good.

$97 million, Your Honor.

And yet he is trying

to hold my client

to a penurious prenuptial

which we have shown is clearly suspect.

Mary Harrison is entitled

to at least half of his assets

and a continuing percentage

of profit in his corporation.

- You don't really mean that.

- What?

I'm sorry to interrupt,

Ms. Woods,

but are you suggesting

that because the number is so large,

your client is entitled to more than

was agreed upon in the prenup?

Because that was not

your position last night,

assuming you remember

last night's...

position.

I am speaking...

this morning

of two people who are

husband and wife...

two people who shared

eight years together...

A wife who in their most

intimate moments

inspired her husband's

greatest creations.

Oh, what did you say?

It was brilliant.

I wrote it down somewhere.

Um... there you go.

Here.

Um..."intimacy

doesn't change a thing.

Business is business."

- How dare you!

- Okay! Okay! This is how I see it.

According to

the state of New York,

Mrs. Harrison signed

a prenuptial agreement

that no one has proven

to me is flawed in any way.

So the court finds

the document holds

and assets shall be divided

according to its provisions.

Case dismissed.

And whatever the two of you

got going on, take it outside.

You know, I've come to think we have a

great success on our hands here and uh...

One moment, please.

Audrey! Audrey, wait!

Audrey. Audrey, wait!

Wait just one moment.

Come on. Come on,

let me explain.

Please, just let me

explain, all right?

Counselor, you are now operating

in a morality-free void

- in which all bets are off.

- You don't get it, do you?

I just paid you

the ultimate compliment.

Compliment?

You forced me to fight

dirtier in there

than I've ever had to do before.

That's how good you are.

Oh, please, save the L.A.

Schmooze for Judge Judy.

You owe me an apology.

Like the apology

you gave me last night?

Okay, I was trying

to soften you up.

And then I let you seduce me

so you'd think you had the upper hand.

You let me seduce you?

You let me?

Are you wounded, Mr. Rafferty?

Hey, hey, hey,

last night was very special.

There's no need to trash it

just because I beat you.

Hey, you know, you need

to toughen up a little bit.

If I got bruised

by every lawyer I bagged

I'd living in a padded cell

in Bellevue by now.

You finished with these?

Bagged? You actually used

the word "bagged"?

Right on the courthouse steps

in the 21st century.

Wow. And how many

have you bagged?

- None. That's not the point, Mother.

- Shh-shh!

Audrey, look at me.

I don't know why you have

developed this inability

to admit when you're

attracted to someone.

It's not healthy

and you know it.

And one day, I promise you

you will wake up

with a wedding ring

on your finger

and you will be the happiest person

in the world to be married.

I am not attracted to him.

I just hate that dealing with him

had to get so low down.

You decided

to practice divorce law.

At what point did you think

it was going to get really classy?

The new Serenas.

Who?

Serena, the hottest

new designer out there.

- Never heard of her.

- Of course you have.

- She's married to Thorne Jamison.

- Who?

He's the lead singer

of the Needles.

Honey, he just signed

a huge recording contract...

80 zillion or something.

Oh, Serena.

She understands the last thing to go

on a woman are her shoulders.

She's bound to win

the Nobel Prize.

At least.

Focus, Audrey, focus!

Well, actually Mr. Harrison

said I inspired him

to come up with one of

his new inventions. Uh...

what's it called?

"The paperpusher."

Huh, did you get

a cut of that?

Uh, no.

No, not at all.

Uh, just winning

Gary's case was enough.

Yes, and your courtroom tussles

with counselor Audrey Woods

are becoming, uh, quite the talk

of the town in legal circles.

Well, well, well,

what can I say?

I mean,

Audrey Woods is uh...

Well, she's the finest

attorney I've ever met.

Hmm.

I can only aspire

to be as clever as her.

Right.

She's uh...

she's wonderful.

- Really wonderful.

- Huh?

And you've just published

this book on divorce,

"For Better or Worse:

A Guide to a Happy Divorce."

That's right.

- Book? Book? What book?!

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