Laws of Attraction Page #5

What, are you...

going for a world record?

Hello, girls.

- All right, form in a queue.

- Take this, take this.

I'm sure I can fit you all in.

What's your name,

my little girl?

- Cindy. Hey, sign it.

- Yeah? I had a dog called that once.

And how long have

you been a "Thornehead"?

Forever.

- I love you, Thorne!

- Yeah, I love you too, babe.

See this, Barry.

I've got classy fans too.

And uh...

what might you want?

I want you.

Ooh, chihuahua!

Nice opening line.

I like it.

Direct, no BS...

just how I like it.

Mmm.

Okay, tell me what

we're working with, doll face.

Okay, this is what

we're working with, doll face.

You've got a devoted,

hardworking wife at home,

and yet you cheat, lie, and blow all

your money on strippers and whores.

You finally abandoned her, leaving her

no option but to file for divorce.

That's the opposing

counsel's opening line.

Direct, no BS...

just the way you like it.

And your wife has just hired

the second best

divorce attorney

in New York city to deliver it.

Now you need someone to tell

your side of the story,

no matter how sordid,

and make you seem like

strawberry shortcake.

I like strawberry shortcake,

and I like your style.

Do you know

what I think?

I think we should continue

this conversation...

back at my place.

- You know what I think?

- What?

I think you should leave

the thinking to me.

Right.

Pain? I'll cause her so much pain

she'll wish she never...

Before I came along, the only

business decision he ever made

was whether to pay a hooker

with cash or credit.

...the purpose of a settlement

hearing is to avoid...

You should advise your client

that documentable threats of violence...

- makes my job so much easier.

- Threats, my ass!

Can we skip to the part

where you cut his balls off?!

If we could convince

Ms. Woods to go

through the motions

of discussing assets.

Assets?

She doesn't have any.

I'm the one who spits up all the money

for those dish rags she sells.

Dish rags?

Tell that to Nicole Kidman.

She wore my dishrags

to the Oscars, okay?!

Nyah, nyah, nyah...

I'm sure that Mr. Rafferty will agree

that we'll not get anywhere

without a degree

of consideration from all parties.

Consideration from him?

I'm his Goddamn wife.

And he didn't even have the courtesy

to tell me that he got

a skull and cross bones

pierced through the tip of his...

- I have enough.

- I'm good.

Mmm.

Look, forget it, okay?

I'm not interested in his money.

I make a good living.

There's only one thing I want.

- Uh-huh, and what is that?

- Caislen and Clocha.

Oh, yes, I remember seeing

that somewhere. What is it?

It's the most

magical place on earth.

- Mmm.

- It's our castle in Ireland.

It's my fairytale castle.

# It's summer now,

the kids are back inside #

# Gotta ticket for a... #

Ha-ha. And in here,

this is the... stay.

- This is where we like to rehearse...

- Stay. Ha-ha.

Jam with the boys in the band.

This is where I like to play

with my fruit machines.

Feeling lucky.

Feeling lucky!

Ahh.

Uh, gold, gold,

gold, gold, silver.

Who's is that?

That's not mine. Billy!

I hadn't become

my true self at that point.

I was still a bit... stupid.

And it's got

like 100 bedrooms.

I don't know,

maybe even less.

Serena uses one

for her hobbies and sh*t...

she likes to sew stuff.

Oh, here she is.

I love him, I love him,

I love him!

- Isn't she great?

- He's all mine!

He's all mine!

She may have been

on drugs at that point.

- Nah, just you, baby.

- You might be able to use that.

Oh, and come

and see my wheels.

Billy!

Okay, that was good.

So this is what you want?

Kezzlin and Kloik.

Clocha.

Caislen Clocha.

Right. So this is

what you want?

Yeah. It means

"castle of rock."

I mean, how many more...

appropriate can you get,

you know?

Uh, when I found that out,

I had to have it, right?

And it was

your decision to buy,

uh, Cais... Caisl... Le Cle...

the castle... the rock castle?

Hell yes.

All right.

I told Thorne

"we have to live here."

So it was your decision

to buy it?

I called the realtor right away, yeah.

Hello?

Oh, hello, counselor.

Yes, I may have

good news too.

Well, it looks as though this thing

might end amicably after all.

Yes.

We're in serious danger

of peace breaking out.

Which will make me

very happy indeed.

Me too.

- Anyway, I have spoken to my client.

- So have I.

- She only wants the...

- He only wants...

- She only wants the...

- He only wants the...

Go to Ireland, depose

the staff at the castle,

- and we'll sort this out.

- Yes, Your Honor.

Oh, I see.

You're after hiring a car.

That's why I'm here,

Mr. O'Callaghan.

Oh, well, you've come

to the right place.

Good.

Only see, thing is,

we're not open

on a Tuesday.

Sorry?

Yeah, see, I'm not here

on a Tuesday.

I know, I know

what you're thinking.

If I'm not here

on a Tuesday

and we're not open

on a Tuesday

and today is Tuesday

and I'm standing here,

then how can it be?

Well now, it all depends

on how you look at it.

You see, normally...

See, if it's Tuesday,

and I'm not there

even though it's Tuesday,

come back sometime

when it's not Tuesday.

Hey!

Hey!

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Thank you so much.

Could you please...

Where did you get

this Goddamn thing?

Top of the mornin' to you.

Caislen Clocha, is it?

Hop in.

In there? With you?

Oh, okay.

Well, it's really

not that far.

I mean, you just carry on

straight down this road here.

After about, oh, eight miles

you'll see a signpost

for the Devil's Staircase and uh...

well, apparently the castle

is just the other side.

So, where did you get it?

Uh, Mr. O'Callaghan

back in the village.

He's not open

on a Tuesday.

No, I borrowed this from Mr. O'Callaghan

the butcher down the road.

He's Mr. O'Callaghan,

the car hire man's, Uncle.

- And you see, every Tuesday...

- I don't want to know.

Oh, it's beautiful.

If you can touch the horizon

you're near your journey's end.

James Joyce?

No, my uncle Clive.

But equally profound,

wouldn't you say?

Well, that spoiled it for me.

What am I going to tell

Mr. O'Callaghan?

Isn't fog the most incredible

natural phenomenon?

See, in rocky areas like this,

the temperature of the rocks

in the daytime

is much cooler than the earth

so... what happens...

Weather Channel.

- It is now midnight.

- Look, look.

I know we're a bit lost,

I admit that,

but we're very close.

We're very close, I can smell it.

- See, I think if...

- Wait a second.

- What?

- Look, over here.

There's some old trailer.

Ohh.

Oh my God!

I think we've

landed on our feet.

See if you can get

some light going.

Oh yeah, then I'll run your bath

and get dinner on.

Hey, listen, we're in this together.

We're a team, okay?

Yeah, for now.

Whoo, it stinks!

There we go.

Well, all in all, I think

we've done quite well.

We?

Hey, listen, I got

the light going, didn't I?

Oh yeah, forgive me. I don't know

what I would have done without you.

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