Little Johnny - The Movie Page #5

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person won't think i'm a loser

And then she can be my girlfiend...

I know you can fix everything,

er even maybe a race sometimes

So i'm wondering, that if i promise to be

a better boy, would you help me win the race

And beat that Boof-head Jason...

That would be gratefully appreciated

Hey and if it's not too much to ask...

Can you smack him in the Nut's while your at it

These are for you Rog..

So you won't miss anything...

Gee, no one has ever done anything that

nice for me before

Well...What are best friend's for...

Errm..I don't want to state the obvious but..

You do actually need a Billy-Cart

to win a Billy-Cart race

It doesn't matter Rog

I'll never be able to beat them anyway in that

rusty old thing Uncle Kevin has...

These guy's are professionals

Hey, hang on...

Put a lid on that sort of talk young-un...

Sorry i'm a little bit late...

I had a case of the shits...

So...What do you think?

Oh, i love it Uncle Kev...

And...This from your Auntie Mavis..

Thanks Auntie Mavis...

Now, if things go to pieces out there!!

And if the sh*t hits the fan...

Use the "F-O Lever"...

What is it?

Just a little invention i cooked up...

Like it say's, "Only use in emergencies"

Got it?

Yep..Got it...

Now go win that bloody race kid

Well here we are Ladies and Gentlemen..

At the infamous Superstition Hill

For the Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby...

What began as a quaint local racing event, has grown

to be watched by thousands across the Nation

The atmosphere here is electric

And all around you can see the eager fans, who

have turned out to watch what promises to be

A heart-stopping, jaw-dropping,

bone-crunching extravaganza

Now it's time to meet the competitors

so over to you, Father O'Flarity..

Thank you Howard...

Now i'd like to introduce some of our

competitors before the race...

And first off, we have Boris...

I see your sitting on some sort of

Un-Holy Atom Bomb type Rocket-Cart

You think it will help your chances?

Dar...It will blow my competition away

So..Does the Red Threat have what it takes?

I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

And who do we have here?

Mustafa...And his Flying Carpet..

Are you confident that your wonderfully hand woven

plush pile rug will see you through to victory?

Glory be to Allah!!

For he will fly me to the finish line...

Yes indeed..

Ah, Jason...

You are odds on favourite to win this year..

So tell me...Are you feeling the pressure as

reigning Champ to make it 2 wins in a row?

You see the thing about this competition is...

there is no competition..

Well folks, with confidence like that who needs luck?

Next we have the eldest competitor in the race, Mrs.Quiggly

I understand you have competed in

every race since it's humble begining's

But have never actually run a place...

Yes..That's true

But this year i desperatly need that prize

money, for my beloved Terrier...

You see Toto is very ill indeed and the Vet

bills are more than i can afford..

Seeing as i'm a pensioner..and a Widow

I'm sure our viewers hearts will be

with you...Good luck and God Bless

With all this stiff competition, i'm wondering if

our next racer Mickey Ramone is feeling the heat?

Nah...Not from the others or that greedy

old bag, she's laying on the

dying Pooch coupe like it's friggin'

I'm not fallin' for it...If she get's in my way..

You get whacked...

I'm in this to win...

See me in Confession

Well folks, it seems there's enough rivalry to go

around. Last but not least we have a

young lad in what i believe is his first race..

So tell me Little Johnny..

Are you confident of a big win?

Yep...

Err, so do you feel that Lady Luck is with you,

on this Friday the 13th and

are you a superstitious man at all?

Never heard of her..And as for superstition on

the kids err, i couldn't care less..

Well that's the spirit..

God Bless ya son...

A wave of excitment has gripped the crowd

as the clock ticks down to the main event..

It has been said that the Billy-Cart Derby is as

much a mental challenge as it is physical..

Do you think your nephew has what it takes

Oh, he's a smart boy alright...

Helping him with his math one day i asked him,

"If there were 3 bird's on a fence and you

shot 1..How many would be left?"

He said, "None"

Oohh...

Goodness...

I know, so i asked him why...

And he said, "because when you

shot the first 1, the others all flew away"

I said, "The answer is 2"

But it shows you were thinking...

Then Little Johnny asked me a question,

"If there were 3 ladies sitting on a park

bench eating Ice Pops"

"One is biting her's,

One is licking her's

and the other is sucking her's"

"Which one is married?"

Well i said without really thinking,

"the one that was sucking on it"

Little Johnny looked at me ever so innocently

said, "no it was the one with the wedding ring"

But good on ya Auntie Mavis,

It shows you were thinking

Well err, thank you Father for that insight..

Ladies and Gentlemen, the racers

prepare for the big moment

As Father O'Flarity offers a final blessing on

this Friday the 13th on Superstition Hill

And now Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment

we've all been waiting for

The 1967 Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby

Mustafa has taken to the air...

What an unbelievable sight...

Holy fuuuuuck....

Forget it you old bag...

Go back to your nursing home...

You and your Little Toto too...

It seems that a little disagreement between

Mrs.Quiggly and the carry over Champ

The tension going into fever pitch

and getting the better of them

Come on mate..you can do it...

Come on Johnny...

Jesus Christ...

My goodness, one of our competitors

has become..Bogged Down!!

I have absolutely nothing to add...

Get out of my way you filthy little scallywag...

That money is mine...

- Back off she...

- No spoilt little rich punks getting it

Not over my stinking..dead..body...

Come on Johnny, you can f***ing do it...

Settle down Kev..

You have to watch your blood pressure

It's only a race for God's sakes...

You are..finished...

F***-head...

You leave our Johnny alone you filthy

cheating, cock-sucking, mother-f***er...

You..are..finished....

Like it says, "Only use in emergencies"...

Holy sh*t....

Shoot me...Shoot me...

Shoot me...

Johnny...

Johnny...

Holy shi...Ladies and Gentlemen if he doesn't

make it over the finish line, he'll be disqualified

Can he do it?...

Can he...

He can...

He can...

Little Johnny has gone on to win the race an unbelievable...

- Johnny...

- F***in' beauty..Good on ya young un...

Did i know it'll not be forgotten for generations to come

Well of course i'm proud of him, he's a bloody Champion...

And he always makes me laugh..

Like the other day, we were sitting on

the fence watching a Bull with 2 Cows...

And i asked him what it was up to he says...

I'm watching the Black Bull f***

the Black Cow Uncle Kev...

The Missis was on to him she said,

"Your not supposed to say that, the Bull

was surprising the Black Cow"

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