Little Nicky Page #6

VALERIE:

Look, I know you come out here and sell

stolen stuff all the time. But today,

the guy you stole from just happened to

walk by and bust you. So why don't you

admit today's not your day and give him

his flask back?

STREET VENDOR:

Or what're you gonna do about it? Ugly

me to death?

VALERIE:

No, but maybe that cop over there might

have something to say.

Valerie points to a cop across the street. The Street Vendor

ponders this for a second, then...

STREET VENDOR:

Aw, take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy.

(looking at Valerie)

And you, take your raggedy-ass clothes

and find a new corner. Before I show

you what real crazy is.

The vendor does crazy eyes again.

VALERIE:

Fine. I will.

Nicky picks up the flask and the drumstick.

NICKY:

Hey, mister. I'll be seeing you in a

few years.

Valerie gathers her blanket, starts walking away and Nicky

follows her.

NICKY (CONT'D)

That was amazing. Thanks so much. You

didn't have to do that.

VALERIE:

That's okay. I get messed with all the

time and when I saw him doing that to

you I just lost it. I hate when people

take advantage of tourists. It ruins it

for the rest of us.

NICKY:

You think I'm a tourist?

VALERIE:

I'm sorry. I just assumed. Your accent

maybe. Where are you from?

NICKY:

The South.

VALERIE:

Really?

NICKY:

Yeah. Deep south.

(laughs hard)

She laughs along with him, not sure why.

VALERIE:

Why are you laughing?

NICKY:

I don't know, but I like it. Say. Your

glasses are nice. They make your eyes

look sparkly and big. It's fun to look

at them.

VALERIE:

My dad's an optometrist.

NICKY:

My dad's in hell, and he's falling

apart.

VALERIE:

I'm sorry. It's really tough when your

parents get older.

NICKY:

If I don't save him, I don't know what

I'm gonna do.

VALERIE:

Well, I'm sure a nice southern boy like

you will figure something out.

Nicky is experiencing new sensations as he looks at her. He

hands her the half-eaten drumstick.

NICKY:

Here, have a Popeye's. This drumstick

ain't for beatin' it's for eatin'.

VALERIE:

That's alright. I already ate lunch. I

actually wouldn't mind getting a Gelati.

NICKY:

Could I come with you to getting a

Gelati?

VALERIE:

If you want to.

NICKY:

Want to? A million angry octopus people

couldn't hold me back!

VALERIE:

"Octopus people?"

NICKY:

Uh, it's a deep south expression.

Nicky laughs.

EXT. STREET - MOMENTS LATER

They exit the ice cream store, eating Gelati.

NICKY:

It's freezing my hands.

VALERIE:

It's not that cold. Here, let me wrap

it.

Valerie takes a few napkins and wraps it for Nicky. Just

then the PREACHER walks by. He quickly turns his head,

sensing Nicky.

PREACHER:

Why do you taunt me with your darkness?!

Your evil is stinking up our streets!

We're all gonna die!

He takes off running right into a lamp post.

VALERIE:

This town is really going to hell

lately.

(Nicky nods)

So what part of the city do you live in?

NICKY:

I have an apartment. I don't remember

exactly where. My dog knows, though.

VALERIE:

(laughs)

You have a dog? What kind?

NICKY:

I'm not sure. I'd ask him, but he's

uptown talking to his contacts.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET - DAY

Beefy is screwing a female dog from behind.

BEEFY:

Remember, it's not the size of the boat,

it's the motion of the ocean.

GIRL DOG:

Just finish.

EXT. STREET - VALERIE & NICKY CONTINUOUS - DAY

VALERIE:

I'd love to have a dog. But I go to

school full time. It wouldn't be fair

to the dog.

NICKY:

School?

VALERIE:

Parsons School of Design. I knew

growing up I wasn't much to look at, so

I put my energy into making things that

are pretty.

NICKY:

What's that pleasant smell coming from,

your skin?

VALERIE:

My perfume?

He takes her wrist to his nose. He stares at it, licks it.

VALERIE (CONT'D)

(laughs)

It's called "Comptoir Sud Pacific."

Which I think is the French word for

coconuts.

Nicky stops and looks at her.

NICKY:

Valerie, it feels like there's a bunch

of butterflies flapping around in my

stomach. Is that normal?

VALERIE:

Sometimes, sure.

NICKY:

Good. I was concerned.

EXT. GATES OF HELL - DAY

The Gatekeeper is near the frozen fall. We hear loud

wailing, moaning, etc., coming from the other side.

GATEKEEPER:

Doesn't sound very good behind there. I

hope Nicky's kicking some ass on Earth.

The Monster is smoking a cigarette and wearing a leather

biker's hat. He nods along in agreement.

PAN TO LUCIFER:

Who's sitting over by a rock fishing in a small pool of

fire/pond.

LUCIFER:

You know, I was the one who created

Hell.

GATEKEEPER:

I know, your wickedness.

LUCIFER:

I started slow, though. For years, I

was just giving people hot foots.

Actually, you can give all the credit

for Hell to my first wife; she was the

inspiration. She was an ugly one, too.

One day, she asked me if I wanted super

sex. I said I'll take the soup.

The Monster laughs really hard.

LUCIFER (CONT'D)

Take it easy there, Chewbacca. In fact,

you look like her mother, except she had

more hair.

The Monster laughs even harder.

LUCIFER (CONT'D)

You know what was in Hell when I came

down here, Cassius?

GATEKEEPER:

It's Stanley, sir.

LUCIFER:

Nothing. No mountains. No castles.

Looked like a giant parking lot. It

wasn't even called Hell.

GATEKEEPER:

What was it called, sir.

LUCIFER:

Boogerland!

GATEKEEPER:

That's nice, Grandpa. Why don't you

just enjoy the fishing?

LUCIFER:

I can't enjoy anything. I go fishing.

I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I

catch everything...

We hear the Monster laughing again as we PAN DOWN Grandpa's

fishing line to:

EXT. UNDERWATER - DAY

We SEE a MINIATURE PEEPER squirming on the fish hook. A

giant fanged fish engulfs the Peeper's body. Only his head

is sticking out.

PEEPER:

I deserve this!

EXT. BAR - DOWN THE STREET - DAY

Several ELEVEN YEAR-OLDS stumble out, drunk.

KID:

I just stole twenty-five bucks off the

bar.

KID #2

How many beers did you have?

KID # 3

Eight sips.

KID:

I had five! I'm so wasted.

They both high five, throw up and fall. PAN over to ADRIAN

sitting on top of a mailbox laughing as he sips from a bottle

of PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS.

ADRIAN:

When an adult goes to Hell, that's

terrific. But when a child goes...

that's why I'm in this business.

Adrian looks across the street and sees Nicky walking with

Valerie. He's shocked.

Valerie is holding up a pair of drawstring pants from her

collection.

NICKY:

So you're saying, make all pants with a

drawstring, then heavier set gals don't

have to feel humiliated by telling their

waist size in front of the whole store?

VALERIE:

Basically, yeah.

NICKY:

Wow. Maybe you should make drawstring

socks for gals with fat ankles.

Valerie laughs.

VALERIE:

You know what's nice about you? You

just seem happy being yourself. You

don't try to act cool.

NICKY:

Thanks much. You know what's nice about

you, Valerie?

VALERIE:

What?

Up the street, Adrian's eyes redden. NICKY looks like he's

been stunned by something.

NICKY:

Your juicy, heart-shaped ass.

VALERIE:

What was that?

NICKY:

(shocked and confused)

I...I don't know why I just said that.

I meant to say that...

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