Lloyd the Conqueror Page #7

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came under my tutelage,

He was the most eager

larper I had ever seen.

He immersed himself

in the fantasy,

Sharpening his mind

and body until he became

The greatest

warrior in the land.

His strength was such that even

the local school children no

Longer harassed us when we used

their playground for larping.

No one stood against him.

And I, of course,

encouraged him,

Thinking that he would

remain our champion of light,

And would forever keep

the forces of evil at bay.

I should have taught him

temperance and patience,

For his quest for power led him

To embrace the

blood gods of chaos.

He fell deeper and deeper,

Until he started to believe

in his own dark fantasies.

It all ended

one terrible night,

When he became

convinced that his family

Was actually a pack of gnomes

Trying to steal

his magic armor.

After he set his

sister's dog on fire,

He was deposited in the

local mental institution,

Where he has

remained until Derek

Summoned him for his dark pact.

So basically what you're

saying is we have to defeat

The darth Vader of larping?

I would never compare

these epic events

To that crude space opera.

But yeah, basically.

Hmmm...

that guy's certainly a virgin.

Maybe there's a way we can

just volunteer, you know?

We don't have to actually

larp and get killed,

We can just help out.

It's fine, guys it's fine,

We'll figure something out.

Lloyd, as their leader,

There's something I must

share with you, alone.

It's been a long time,

But I know it's

in here somewhere.

[CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

Hah, there it is.

Perhaps you can

find a use for this.

Andy, is this what

I think it is?

Indeed, it is.

If I wasn't out of commission,

I would take this Leopold

clown out in 12 seconds flat.

Believe me,

I wish you could too.

All you need is

a good strategy,

I can still help you with that.

Andy thinks this

guy is dangerous,

I don't want to be part

of somebody being hurt.

Do you know what I teach the

girls in myself defense class?

Predators prey on the weak.

So just use your

perceived weakness

To catch the

assailant off guard.

And then you just

remove his testicles

With a shaolin tiger grip.

Who knew self defense

could be so hot?

Focus.

Half a moon from now,

The combined forces of

light will stand before us.

But theirs is a hopeless cause,

Their mantra is honor

and righteousness,

But there's no honor in defeat.

And it is the victor who

defines what is righteous.

Every year these weaklings

fall under our blade,

And this year shall

be no exception.

Half a moon from now,

what time is that exactly?

Just so I can sync my watch.

I am not required to

explain what half a moon is.

If you do not know

what half a moon is,

You should not be here.

There are tales that we

shall face the disciples

Of the prophet of light,

The white wizard.

Yes it is true, the

disciples of the white wizard

Lead the forces of light,

and if that concerns you

Or anyone else here,

then f*** off!

I live by the ancient

KRAKENTROLL PROVERB:

If your opponent

brandishes a stave,

Then in turn you must

unsheathe your claymore.

Leopold, step forward.

Those of you who choose to stay

Will stand shoulder to

shoulder with none other

Than Leopold the destroyer.

Death to the white wizard!

CROWD:

Death to the white wizard!

Aahh!

Then you just come around here,

And boom, his balls are yours.

This could actually work.

You leave in pieces.

OSWALD:

Look at him.

I mean, what do guys like

that do in their spare time?

I mean,

does he cross-Stitch,

Work on cars, or scrapbook?

Really successful guys

like that always have

Some sort of dark secret,

like I bet you he's into

Some weird kind of

porn or something.

Puppet porn?

Yeah, he's definitely

into puppet porn.

That's sick.

[DOOR OPENS]

You guys ready for this?

For what, mister I

didn't show up last night.

To go over the battle plan.

Oh, I've already got one,

first we get surrounded,

Then Leopold beats

the crap out of us,

Then we lose the game

and fail the class.

Your bright outlook

is very inspiring.

Yeah, so is he way

I banged your mom.

So since you just said

you had sex with my mom,

I don't feel nearly as bad

About the confession

I have to make.

And what's that?

Derek offered us an easy out,

And I told him to

go screw himself.

What's he talking

about Patrick?

He said if we dropped out of

the demons and dwarves larp,

He'd go ahead

and give us a 'c'.

And you refused?

Yeah, I did.

Mm-Hmm.

And if we don't win and

get the 'a+', we fail.

What the f, Lloyd?!

Why would you do that?!

Because I wanted to show him,

And all the other

Dereks of the world

That we're not just gonna

roll over and take it.

We will stand,

and we will conquer.

No, no, no, wait a second,

This has something

to do with Cassandra.

No.

PATRICK:

You're right, Oswald.

He puts our grades on the line,

just so he can bang Cassandra,

Then he finally bangs her

and he breaks her leg,

Now she can't even

help us get an 'a'.

It's ok, because

Cassandra and I came up

With a really

great battle plan.

Yeah, does your

plan include this?

Since class has been

disrupted due to my injury,

I've scheduled a very

special training session

For this weekend, it will

give you a chance to

Really utilize the skills

you've learned in class.

MALE IN CLASS:

This isn't another class where we

Fight the guy in the

padded suit again, is it?

ROSIE:
I didn't feel

threatened by that guy at all.

I just can't wait till a

pervert really comes after me.

Trust me, this will

be the most intense

Training session

you will ever have.

It'll be just like you're

surrounded by actual perverts.

Dick.

Hey elfy, two questions.

Ok.

First, I want to

register, second,

Why are you dressed like

a science fiction character,

When you're at a fantasy

larping tournament?

For the record,

that was one question, ok?

And to answer

your one question,

Unlike everyone else here,

I like to be creative,

and not follow the crowd.

My character is

from star fleet,

I've been sent back

in time to observe

Primitives like

yourself in an effort to

Refine our

cultured way of life.

So why don't you just

give me your 25 bucks,

And then you and

your primate friends

Can go in and bash

each other over the head.

Come on.

You know what, bite me.

Oh, well,

live long and pro-

Oh wait, my fingers

are falling asleep,

Except for that one.

Oh.

Go drill a hole in the wall.

Come on gimbledorf,

let's go, 25 bucks.

[VIDEO GAME GUNSHOTS]

I guess Lloyd

left already, huh?

Yeah, tell somebody who cares.

Oh sweet, you already

passed level eight.

It was easy,

I just used that map

That Lloyd downloaded

off the internet.

Oh, yeah, I remember that day.

That's where we spent

the whole day laughing

And sharing about our long

forged friendship, right?

That was a good day,

indeed, huh?

It was yesterday.

Come on Patrick,

we need to help him.

I mean, remember how

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