Lloyd the Conqueror Page #8

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he didn't even get mad

When you said that

you banged him mom?

Forget it!

He broke the bros

before hoes code,

I'll die before I'm ever

guilty of breaking that rule!

Yeah, by punishing him

for this transgression,

Are you not also

breaking that rule?

You're allowing a

girl to come betwixt

Him and a friend who's

in need of our help.

What the f***?!

Dude, are you on

his side or mine?

I'm on our side.

I don't think they're coming.

What about Cassandra?

She said she'd be here.

I'll wait here for her,

But you must get to

the marshalling area.

Your army awaits their orders.

Alright.

Wish me luck.

May ullr bless your sword,

and Odin your shield.

Thanks.

I was basically

wishing you luck.

Odin, father of thor.

Jesus, read a f***ing book.

What a beautiful sight,

My minions have gathered

from across the land

To come and crush my foes.

You seem more interested

in glorifying yourself

Than in serving the blood gods.

You seem like a dick.

Minions, behold your master.

(CROWD ROARS)

Today, we wipe the

taint of the white wizard

From this land for good.

The one who slays his students

Will receive my

personal blessing.

I spit on the taint

of the white wizard.

(SPITS)

- (CROWD ROARS)

Jorgen, look who it is.

You guys ready

to kick some ass?

(LAUGHING)

Your optimism

causes my laughter.

(LAUGHING)

Yes, it is very amusing.

We are surely outnumbered,

And will receive

many massive wounds.

Our blog will overflow with

images of glorious death.

It is very impressive.

Would you like the url?

Maybe later.

No, here I'll write it on your

arm now, so you won't forget.

Anyhow, I came up

with a battle plan,

So if everybody could

just gather around,

We can go over it.

Everyone just-

He commands no respect.

Dagmar, document his pain.

You know, I've seen

some bullshit before,

But this takes the cake!

Fall in, you filthy f*** faces!

That's funny, you know,

because I don't think I said

Stand there and look

like idiots, I said fall in,

Before I tear off your heads

and crap down your throats!

Come on, come on, come on,

My grandmother moves faster

than you limp wristed fatties!

Fall in, maggots,

and listen up!

Ok, yes.

I can't hear you.

CROWD:

Yes!

Thanks guys, listen,

I'm sorry about...

Hey Lloyd, friendship means

you don't need to say sorry.

This is Lloyd,

the holy paladin,

Commander of the

forces of light.

You will pay very close

attention to his instructions,

And you will follow

them to the tee.

You got that?

CROWD:

Yeah! Yes!

Alright.

Our enemy thinks his advantage

in numbers is his strength.

It's not.

We shall turn it

into his weakness.

We will lure him into our trap,

His overconfidence the snare,

And when we have him

right where we want him,

We'll grab his balls.

What?

And then we rip them off!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Every great leader must ride

to battle on a worthy steed.

What?

Mount him.

He needs to be inside.

Yeah.

Our leader.

You look powerful Lloyd.

You look like shakira, Oswald.

Thanks.

Sir, I beg you to stay open

just a few more moments.

I don't understand

your primitive dialect.

Come on, move along.

Primitive?

You should know that

I am a level 80 wizard,

And I will not tolerate

your troll like behavior.

Hey, I said move along buddy,

Or you're gonna get cut.

Your empty threats do not

phase the white wizard,

My pointy eared space friend.

Ok, I warned you, back off,

Or I'm gonna have to

break the prime directive.

Hah, just like a Vulcan to

bring a phaser to a magic fight.

Andy, we're here.

Where are the perverts?

Uh, I don't mean to interrupt

whatever's going on here,

But they need to register.

Yeah, fat chance.

Your giant sperm friend here

With the purse is

threatening my life.

Sir, you pulled

your weapon first.

Ok, everybody just calm down.

Hey back off.

Hey.

Do not point that at her.

I said back off.

Don't point it at me either.

I'm pointing it, aren't it?

Testicles meet lightning bolt.

Ah!

Arctic blast.

Ah! Ah!

Bring me the heads

of the man creatures!

Charge!

(BATTLE CRIES)

Down boy.

Let's introduce them

to the hammer brothers,

Jack and sledge.

(BATTLE CRIES)

Archers!

Pathetic.

Go and serve your blood gods.

Aaaah!

(ARCHER YELLS)

(LEOPOLD ROARS)

Dagmar, document

my glorious death.

And mine.

Aaah!

Ah!

Ugh!

(LEOPOLD ROARS)

KLAUS:

That was wonderful.

Ok, look, all we want to do

is register for the battle,

Preferably before it's over.

Yeah, well based on

what I'm hearing,

That's just about to

happen now, isn't it?

Ok, so let's get

this ball rolling.

Excuse me, registration

desk is closed.

Dude, all you have

to do is open the book

And write down our names.

I mean, we'll even pay extra.

Wait a minute,

you trying to bribe me?

How about if we show some skin?

- What?

- What?

You register us,

and we flash you.

I am far beyond the temptations

of the flesh, there avatar.

[UNZIP]

Sweet Fulton potatoes.

For a thousand nights

I have dreamt of this day.

Make'em jiggle.

Can we register now?

VULCAN:
Yeah, yeah,

come on move,

Put your mark in the book,

go, go, go, go.

I know this may be illogical,

But will you marry me?

We can start with

a Vulcan mind meld

And work our way down.

I can feel your p*ssy.

[AGENT DANGER MOVIE THEME MUSIC]

I'm a man of peace.

You, leave in pieces.

(WHINNYING)

What did I tell you

about doing cocaine?

I guess Cassandra wasn't the

only tough guy on this team.

Ah!

Stand back Lloyd, I'll take

care of this knucklehead.

Oswald, he's gonna kill you.

Well then avenge me.

No, wait, avenge me first.

I'm a berserker

barbarian dwarf warrior!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ok.

Please.

We're larping,

we're having fun.

Please. Please.

Aaah!

(LEOPOLD ROARS)

Reinforcements!

(LADIES YELLING)

Ladies (REPEATING):

Pervert!

Ladies (REPEATING):

You pervert!

This is the sexiest

tournament ever.

(WHINNYING)

DEREK:
I must admit,

you put on a somewhat believable show.

Just wait for the encore.

Why don't you save me the time,

Get on your knees in

front of me, and surrender.

I think you have me

confused with your mom.

Oh that's it, that is it.

Charge!

(WHINNYING)

He's losing.

CASSANDRA:
Lloyd, if you win you

can f*** stick my sugar bowl.

Ah!

Get me out of this thing.

Give up.

I could.

Or I could simply

vaporize your sword.

Taum saw, de ecket, flesruar,

caforg, swordus, be goneus.

Oh crap.

Well then, do you

have anything to say,

Before I melt your

face with a spell

Straight from the dark gods.

Well, as a paladin,

I can cast divine exorcism,

Banishing you to

the twisting nether.

Yes, in theory,

you could do that,

But at your level,

You would need the fabled

one thousand sided die

To cast a spell like that

on an unbelievably awesome

Level 60 dark mage, as myself.

You don't mean,

one of these, do you?

It can't be.

What is it?

The thousand sided die is

a rare and powerful item,

Held by only the most

dedicated larpers,

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