Lost in London Page #4

---

least three wives.

Well, okay, I mean, I'll talk

to the missus, but

Yeah, that's all good and all

that but what are we gonna do...

about this God awful line?

I wouldn't worry about that.

Oh, yeah, why is that?

TVQ.

TVQ, what's that?

Television quotient.

You know, it's just a read

of how popular you are...

in a given culture and

luckily my, my, er, TVQ...

is pretty strong

in the Mother Country.

Yeah. Right.

[DOORMAN] Green light. Let's go.

Oh, yeah. See?

And it's, Hollywood is almost

like royalty without borders.

I, I hope that doesn't

sound arrogant.

Don't sound humble.

Well...

Hey, by the way, I was wanting

to ask you, what country

Prince Abu Ali Adullah

Bin Saltan Al Rahmani.

That's very impressive, though.

[WOODY] Wait, just tell 'em

I'm with you.

Use your TVQ.

Hey.

Spare change?

Er, no. I don't have it.

Dude, dude, er...

What?

I'm with him.

With who?

With with him, the prince.

Which prince?

The one the one who just

went in. How many you got?

Five.

Yeah, the one who just went

in, okay?

Well, you need to get back

down that road there.

Yeah, get to the back, yeah?

Dude, I just came with him...

in that van, right there.

The prince, the prince came

in that, in that van there?

Yeah.

What is the prince's name?

Er... Moham... Mustaf...

Moosh... er, His, His Highness.

Right?

You're not getting in here.

Can I speak plainly?

Why are you whispering?

Er, I I'm an actor.

I thought actors were handsome.

I was.

What have I seen you in?

Um, 'White Men Can't Jump'.

What, from the '70s?

'90s.

Er, 'Indecent Proposal'?

Tearjerker?

Yeah. You saw it?

No, but my grandmother loved it.

Oh, well, tell her 'hi' from me.

She's long dead.

Not unlike your career.

Anything else in this century?

Um, okay, I'm in a play

on the West End.

You you like drama?

What, pay to be depressed?

Come on, mate, get to the

back of the line.

Oh, just go to The Edge,

alright? Go away from here.

Okay. Er...

Making your way in the

world today

Takes everything you've got

What is wrong with you?

Taking a break from all

your worries

Sure would help a lot

Oi, Sinatra.

Isn't it nice to get away

Sometimes you wanna go

where everybody knows

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

stop making noise there.

Just go to the back of the line

now, you daft twat. Rubbish.

That's what happens when

they're off the telly, isn't it?

Yeah, no sense.

Sad, knob jockey.

Hi.

Hi.

Woody Allen?

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Zrinka.

Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Hi, hi.

You don't look like

you're having a good time.

Yeah, well my friends just

went in without me.

Well, some friends are not

very nice.

Do you have the time?

Um, I think it's almost 11:00.

Yeah.

I mean I don't even wanna go in.

I just, I gotta kill an hour.

Whoa, kill an hour?

Can we kill time?

Yeah.

Why are you holding your

breath, Woody?

Oh, yeah, I God, I do that.

I do that when I get stressed.

I just

Well, don't.

Yeah, right.

Just just breathe.

All doors will open.

Yeah. Good.

[DOORMAN]

Woody! Woody, my friend.

Come, come, come, your prince

is looking for you.

See?

Really?

Yes, yes, come. Now fine boy,

eh?

Okay, the prince wants me, okay.

Yes, yes, the prince that

came in that crappy

Look at the car you came inside

now, eh? Ah, funky, funky.

Bye.

All right, come on, come on.

No, no, just, just you.

Just you, just you.

Oh, oh, okay, well, er, tell

the prince that I just will...

er, wait out here until

my friend's admitted.

Well, you just met her now.

Yeah, but I find that friends

are easily identifiable...

as are enemies.

See, okay, see I'm not, I don't

want to hassle anybody, eh?

Okay, okay, okay, come, come,

eh, come inside, come inside.

Yeah? Okay.

We're friends now?

Yes, now of course we are

friends. This my number, eh.

Oh, okay.

Any time you want to come...

Hmm.

I'll put you on the list.

Just call me. VVIP,

very, very important person.

Okay.

Also, er, if you want to come

to my mother's house...

she makes the best

authentic Nigerian lamb stew.

Sweet meat.

Okay, well, I'm a vegetarian.

Why, man? Why?

Wait. My card is there so just,

it's there.

Okay. I got it, so, thank you,

no, no, I got your I got

I'm gonna call you and

then you'll have my digis.

[DOORMAN] Yes, WoodyWoody.

Thanks, guys.

Yeah, yeah.

[DOORMAN] Five boy.

Oh, that's, that's great.

Okay. Butthole.

Whoa... is this your best self?

I'm not sure I own a best self.

Well you need to love

yourself...

before you can be your best

self.

Well, that's exactly why I

drink. Can I get you something?

No, no, no, I'll get

you something.

Well, no, no, it's on me,

I insist.

Okay. Thank you.

Do you wanna know what I want?

I know what you need.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Hey, TVQ, you made it!

Oh, hey.

I'm just messing with you,

you know that, mate.

Yeah, thanks for your help

on that.

It's all good.

Wassup!

You want a shot of Patrn?

Come on, let's get off our tits

and dance like Tina Turner.

Okay.

Right, look at me. Look at me.

I love you, baby girl,

and you love me.

Right.

And never would I steer

you wrong.

I love you all to the maximus.

Oh, bring it in, come on,

yes, that's it.

Got a lot of love.

Guys, shots all round, yeah?

Hey, Woody, are you okay?

Er, it's just the wifey and

I are having a little issue.

Yeah, I read the news today.

Oh, boy.

I guess these things just

happen, though.

Here.

Oh, thanks, babe.

You know, weirdly, a

similar thing happened...

to me and my boyfriend.

Oh, really? Well, what'd you do?

Well, I left him. Shot?

Come.

Thank you.

Right, here's to friends...

through thick and thin, Peter

out or Peter in.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, and here

is to Woody, a real man.

A real man!

I don't like it!

( MUSIC CONTINUES )

Where you going?

Go to the side, mate.

Yeah.

That's it, reel 'em in,

reel 'em in.

( MUSIC CHANGES )

Dude.

Dude.

Dude.

Dude, what are you doing

here, man?

I just came in for a

meeting, but dude...

Ah, just who I needed to

see right now.

What happened?

Oh, you see it?

Yeah, I don't understand

how it came out.

Oh, I don't know.

I mean these things do come

out.

I know, but didn't you talk to

Marty? Everybody talks to Marty.

Yeah, I did, I I talked

to Marty, of course.

Right?

Yeah, and he wanted 30K.

Okay.

I mean, that's highway

robbery, dude.

Wait a second, Woody,

you didn't pay?

No, I, I, I tried to negotiate.

No, you can't negotiate

with Marty.

Well he, he's a lawyer,

lawyers do negotiate.

No, no, you, you wanna know who

tried to negotiate?

Peewee and Tiger...

you wanna know who didn't?

Clooney, with Lady Gaga and the

midgets, the little people.

I never heard about that.

Because they didn't negotiate.

I mean, d'you ever hear

about Daniel Day Lewis?

No.

Exactly.

And you never will,

because he paid.

Come on, how can you think you

can get away without paying?

I mean, you know from

McConaughey, if something...

terrible's coming out.

What?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes