Lost in London Page #5

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You know from your buddy

McConaughey...

if something terrible's

gonna come out

No, dude, wait, wait, I don't

know about McConaughey. What?

You don't know about that?

No, no, what happened?

I don't wanna be the one

to tell you.

Oh, dude, just, just tell me.

They got a picture.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

What?

Fat.

Fat?

Fat.

Dude, he, he's got the

best torso in the business.

El Gordo. Buddha.

That's why he paid, so

you never saw it.

I'm amazed.

Come on, let's get a drink.

Dude, why didn't I pay, man?

Can we get a drink here?

Does Laura know?

Er, yeah, yeah.

You know, we're gonna talk,

er, tonight.

Oh... what are you gonna say?

I don't know.

Yeah, what am I gonna say?

What?

To people.

I mean, it's well known I'm

your best friend.

This doesn't look good for

me either.

And I guarantee my mom's

gonna grill me about this.

I'm gonna be like "I don't

know what Woody's problem is".

It's like, I mean obviously it's

not about me right now, but...

( SIGHS )

What was Laura's reaction

when you told her?

Um...

How did

I I...

You let it blindside her?

Dude, you know what? I I hate

Murdoch, man, I hate tabloids.

He's a cancer.

Hey, wait a second.

No, no, Woody, it's not

Murdoch. Come on, it's you.

I think we gotta start with

accepting some responsibility.

Yeah, I... I mean I was weak,

I guess, you know, and...

Yeah, and a little bit

of a coward.

What?

Coward for not telling her.

Yeah.

Look, I don't wanna judge

you for what you did.

Clearly it was wrong,

but the thing is...

But that feels like a

judgement, O.

No, no, no, that's a fact.

And right now we gotta face

facts.

Fact:
you cheated on Laura

with a bunch of hookers.

They weren't hookers.

Fact:
you let it blindside her.

Well, yeah.

Fact:
you gotta brace yourself

for maybe a big element...

of the public that's just gonna

think you're a scumbag.

Obviously not me, I'm your

friend.

I'm gonna support you, but

Thanks, buddy.

How do you support a scumbag?

That's our challenge.

Owen Wilson.

Yeah.

Hi, I knew it was you, dude.

I love you.

I must have seen 'You, Me and

Dupree and Zoolander'...

like 50 times, like everything

you do, you are the man.

I gotta admit, my ears do prick

up with a little praise...

but I got a man

overboard right now.

So let me just shake your

hand and ask you to step off.

Thank you, 'cause we're in

crisis mode.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Okay, where were we?

I'm a scumbag?

Yeah, and what are we gonna

do about it?

Because we gotta do something...

because I can't imagine

you without Laura.

I can imag and I'm not saying

this to be mean...

I can imagine Laura

without you...

but you without Laura

does not work.

Well, that's true, man,

I mean

Right? I mean it's like,

it's just really sad.

Yeah, I mean it's like a, like

a mangy dog...

that no one wants to pat or...

'Cause it smells bad and

you're just like...

"Get this dog out of here".

Yeah, it's like blind in

one eye...

wandering down the road at

night. It's just...

And you know he's never

gonna make it to daybreak...

'cause he's gonna get run over

by a cab or something.

Dude, dude, I can't

I can't lose her, man.

And, hey...

I cannot lose her.

Whoa, whoa, you're not, hey,

we can figure this out.

Look at me.

Really?

Yes, okay? Where there's a will

there's a way, all right?

But we gotta change your

energy...

because I feel like I'm talking

to a dead man.

It's like you got ghost eyes

right now. Come on, hydrate.

Dude, I feel...

Drink this.

Okay, okay, what is it?

Just down it.

It's a Cosmopolitan,

it's a man's drink, come on.

You gotta get like, loosen up

a little bit.

Okay, come on, roll the

shoulders. Let's start moving.

How do you

Get the blood flowing.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, it feels better to

start moving, right?

You're right, yeah,

I haven't been exercising.

Okay, let's figure this out.

Come on, throw some punches.

Okay.

Change your energy a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, now I've known you and

Laura for a long time, right?

Yeah.

Okay, now the one beautiful

thing that I've always seen...

between the two of you is...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

No fighting.

No, no, no, we're not fighting,

we're...

We're actually saving a

man's life right here.

Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.

It's okay.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So what, what is it

I say to Laura?

It's not what you say, I think

it's what you do, but...

get your energy up, come on.

Okay, okay, I'm like...

Come on, it's like a zombie.

Right.

Loosen up, do your Elvis.

You're good at your Elvis.

Okay.

Give me a smile.

Let me see a little twinkle.

Give me a smile.

Come on, a real one...

both rows of teeth.

There you go, keep punching,

keep punching.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready, man.

Okay, I'm gonna sprinkle you

with some gold dust.

Oh, that's what I want.

I'm gonna lay it on you.

Come on, buddy, what do I do?

Pray.

Oh, dude, pray? Dude, are you

kidding me?

Jesus, I mean, that's

just begging in disguise.

What, have you been tap

dancing this whole time?

No, no, no that,

that's step one.

You didn't let me get

to step two.

Obviously, prayer without

action is meaningless. Okay?

Now's the action part.

Okay.

Sometimes we gotta admit we need

something, we gotta be able...

to lean on something

stronger than us, right?

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So maybe you're not the best

person to carry this message...

of contrition to Laura.

Okay, right, right.

Okay, so...

You see where I'm going?

Where are you from?

Er, Texas.

Where am I from?

Texas.

And who's the Texas Dalai Lama.

[GIRL] Eli Cash?

Come on, you know this.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, hi.

This is Owen.

No, no, she's talking...

about my character...

She's, she's saying Eli.

from 'The Royal Tenenbaums'.

I love that scene.

Which scene?

Well, every scene...

but what is the book that your

your character writes about?

Is it Geronimo?

Hey, guys.

No, no, Custer.

Old Custer, remember?

Of course, 'cause...

everybody knows that Custer

died at Little Big Horn.

What this book presupposes

is "Maybe he didn't!".

I love that, honestly, it's...

That's a good scene, yeah.

one of my favorite moments, in

one of my favorite films ever.

Yeah, thank you.

But I also love 'Did You

Just Call Me Coltrane?'.

Uh, no, but if I did, you...

O...

..couldn't do anything about it.

You don't think so?

O, Owen.

Oh, no, I don't. Oh, you

wanna talk some jive?

Oh, I'll talk some jive

like you've never...

Owen, Owen, can we get back to

me for a second, dude?!

Sit down! I said sit down!

Hey, whoa.

It's always me, me, me

with this guy.

Early onset narcissism.

Really?

No, dude, it's not that.

It's just that I don't have

time to attend a Wes Anderson...

film festival while my life

is imploding.

Okay, but there's a polite

way to say that.

Yeah, there's also a polite,

less vain way to say...

thank you when someone

compliments your film...

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