Lost in London Page #9

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Let's go.

Stand behind the yellow line.

Did I tell you to uncuff him?

Sorry.

Uncuff him.

Yeah.

So, you're the one.

Well, yeah, I'm the one

who assaulted an ashtray.

You drunk?

I wish.

Empty your pockets.

Well you're, you're not gonna

strip search me and make me...

spread my cheeks and all that,

are you?

Do you expect special treatment?

No.

Then, no.

You guys are funny.

Er... hey... there you go.

One Blackberry.

One room key, to the

Sloane Hotel.

Dude, you don't have to let

every criminal in here...

know where I live.

Oh, they know where you live,

with them.

Er...

One pen.

One Chelsea lighter.

You, you don't like those

overpaid poofters, do you?

No, I mean, someone just gave

who do you like?

Charlton Athletic.

Charlton? Oh, there's, there's a

great group, gang, squad, um...

they're, they're, they're

just, er, they're strong.

And bottom of the league.

Bottom? Well, nowhere to go

but up. That's good news.

One comb. What's that for?

To comb with.

What do you comb? Lice out

your pubes?

What, what, er...

Do you know what time it is?

It's 11:
45.

My teatime.

Can I make a phone call?

No.

Yeah.

When's the magistrate come?

9:
00 AM.

Dude, 9:
00 AM? That's way

too late.

I'm going to Leavesden Studios.

I have to be there 7:30 sharp.

My kids are gonna meet

Harry Potter.

Ooh, lahtidah. Life of a

Hollywood star, eh.

You just seem predisposed

to dislike me.

That was my brother.

Your brother?

In the cab.

In the cab?

Brotherinlaw.

Your brotherinlaw was

the guy...

So when he was calling someone

on the phone, that was...

Moi.

Parlez vous francais?

No.

Listen, if I'd have met your

brotherinlaw under different..

circumstances, we would have had

a pint and a laugh, you know.

We just, just had some

bad luck.

You certainly did.

And tonight, while you're

lying in a cold cell...

on a metal slab where hundreds

of guys have sweated, belched...

farted, pissed, puked, bled,

wanked and defecated...

and you can't sleep from

the stench...

picture me sitting with my

brotherinlaw in a warm pub...

with a pint and a packet

of salt and vinegar crisps...

having a laugh, over you.

What's that?

Ah... nothing.

Is that what I think it is?

No, no, no, it's nothing.

It's just I

It's cannabis.

I don't even know what

it is, dude.

We shall see. Give it to me now.

I I don't know where

Give it to me now.

Give it to him now!

You bastard... you had a

cannabis cigarette...

and that's going in the records,

search him.

Only this.

A feather. What's that for?

Hmm, tickle your balls, eh?

Tickle, tickle, dirty, dirty

little Yankee doodle dandy, eh?

My daughter gave that to

me for luck.

Well, it don't seem to

be working, does it, eh?

Step this way.

Hey, take it easy.

Hey, Woody, how you doing,

man?

Oh, never better.

Ah, I saw your play.

Oh, great, thanks.

What a load of bullshit.

I thought I'd ask for my money

back but, er, I snuck in.

You ever gonna make us

laugh again?

Well I, I doubt it, dude.

I feel like I'm stuck in a

drama bubble.

What they got you for?

Oh, molesting an ashtray.

Can you mind your own

business, please.

They'll let you go if you pay

them. It's all about the money.

Shut it, Eugene.

Euujen.

Is that true?

Step aside and wait your turn.

Moron. Watch the birdie.

Right hand first, starting

with the thumb...

rolling from left to right.

Er, but, dude, can I get

out if I post, post bail?

Yeah.

No.

Well, if we decide you're

not a flight risk.

Did someone ask you, Paddy?

No, sir.

And are you doing the deciding?

I am not, sir.

Then stay out of it.

But you know I'm not a flight

risk, you know where I live.

The Sloane Hotel...

bail is 1,000 pounds.

Dude, that ashtray was useless.

It was like the cab's appendix.

Just pay it, man.

I don't have any cash, man.

Well, you can use a credit

card, but they don't take Amex.

Shut up!

Nazis.

II don't have my wallet

on me, because

Then I guess you'll have to

wait for the magistrate.

Whoa, pity.

You travel without a wallet?

You're so ghetto, aren't you?

So Hollywood.

Dude, can I please call my wife?

I mean, we've been, we've

been having some trouble...

and, and I I I have

to call her.

I told her I'd be there

by midnight.

Can I please make a call?

After you make your statement,

you can make one call.

Take him away.

Thank you.

I mean, I think you're a

closet people person.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, get a new agent, man.

Are you trying to make

trouble for yourself?

No, no. I mean my wife is

gonna liberate me.

Well that's up to him...

if he decides you're not

a flight risk.

He decides?

Yeah, he's the boss.

Dude, who put him in charge?

I don't know, but he's the boss.

Guy's a maniac.

I mean that's ridiculous.

How long do you think before

I can wrap all this up?

I don't really know, sir.

I'm new here, too. Let's go.

Take a seat.

Oh god.

Detective Sergeant Dante.

Yeah, I I know, I met you.

Remember, you hate me?

You met my twin brother.

What, are you putting me

on, dude?

You had quite an eventful night,

I understand, Mr. Harrelson.

No, no, hold on.

What, did you just change

clothes and it's like...

an interrogation technique

or something?

What drugs did you imbibe

this evening?

I I don't I don't do drugs.

Ever.

I, I, I'm straight edge...

and I think it's a terrible

example for children.

Hm, and yet you had cannabis

on your person.

No, sir, I did not.

Will you submit to a blood test?

But I I

I don't, I don't...

um, do, er, needles.

We use hair samples.

No, I can't afford to lose

any more hair.

I'm an actor, you know.

Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with you

phoney, Hollywood types.

You do drugs.

You participate in orgies, eh?

You take part in orgies?

Yeah, course you do.

And contribute to the

moral decay in our society.

You don't get your way...

you stamp your feet like

a little baby.

Destroy your hotel room,

or your cab.

You're thinking rock star.

I just make movies.

Yeah, bad ones.

'Money Train', what a joke.

You will not be able to

leave here...

until you've submitted to a

voluntary drug test.

Okay, okay.

First of all, that makes your

blood test far from voluntary.

Secondly, I'm getting treated

like I butt raped Tony Blair...

at the Queen's afternoon tea.

And all I did was make

your brother's ashtray...

Inlaw.

Inlaw, inlaw.

Your brotherinlaw's

useless ashtray useful...

and for that I'm getting abused

by you and your twin brother.

What are you guys? Bad cop,

worse cop?

I mean, you know,

I'm an actor, okay.

Voice and physicalisation are

my bread and butter...

so I hate to rain on your

charade...

but there's no way that you

guys are the same person.

You're different people, because

you're the same person...

and you're both abusing me

for breaking a broken ashtray.

And I'm gonna call my Embassy,

dude.

D'you, d'you think, d'you

think you're a tough guy?

No, no, no.

Are you the natural born killer

or am I the natural born killer?

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