Love, Simon Page #4

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- No.

MARTIN:
Looking good.

This is a good section.

MARTIN:
Jeez.

Now, why the hell

did you screenshot my emails?

Ah, well, you and Abby Susso

are good friends. Right?

Yeah. We know each other.

What does that have to do

with anything?

Well, I need you to help me

talk with her...

and hang out with her

and stuff, you know?

Why would I help you do that?

Are you blackmailing me?

Oh, shh! Okay. Don't be

so dramatic here, Simon.

SIMON:
Sup, Tyler?

MARTIN:
What's up, Tyler?

Is that a Patagonia?

Nice. I just like her.

And I think

that you could help me.

Yeah, what if I say no, Martin?

I mean, what are you gonna do?

You gonna tell the whole school

that I'm...

You're gonna leak my emails?

You're gonna post 'em

on CreekSecrets?

I just think

that we're in a position here,

where we could help

each other out is all.

So think about it.

Good talk.

You know, I never thought

of a pepper

- as being a vegetable...

- (cell phone chimes)

...but it makes perfect sense.

EMILY:
I like the cilantro.

A little Mexican flair, huh?

JACK:
Very creative, kiddo.

You hate the peppers.

Don't you?

No. The peppers are great.

I'm just gonna get some air.

BRAM:
Jacques, I have to get

something off my chest.

The other day, you asked me

what I was wearing

for Halloween

and I said

I wasn't dressing up.

I lied. Truth is,

I didn't want you to know

what I was wearing

because I don't want you

to know who I am.

Right now, these emails,

they feel like

this totally safe place.

I'm just not ready

for my whole world to change.

I hope you understand.

(indistinct conversation)

SIMON:
Yes, Blue. I understand.

(sniffing)

Okay, if you want me

to help you with Abby,

you cannot eat that.

So you're gonna help me?

Yeah.

(chuckles)

Simon, that is fantastic news.

I really think that Abby and I

are meant to be together.

- Really? Do you?

- Mm-hmm.

It's not all about looks, Simon.

Okay. So you're banking

on your great,

blackmaily personality

to get the job done?

- Where are we going?

- Your place.

We're gonna see

if you have anything

that doesn't scream,

"punch me."

Actually, I've got swim lessons.

Cancel it!

MARTIN:
Okay, I just have to

call my mom first.

She has to approve everybody

that comes in the house.

All right. Here we go.

All right. And here we are.

This is where the magic happens.

Wow.

Ooh. Correction. (chuckles)

This is where the magic happens.

I've been dabbling

in close-up illusions.

Does Abby like magic?

No. Martin, I don't think

she does like magic.

But, um,

there's a really thin line

between laughing with someone,

and laughing at someone.

And you are that line.

So,

if you want Abby to like you,

what you have to do

is you have to

make her see you

as more of a...

As sexy Martin!

Yeah! Yeah, I could be sexy.

You like dudes. Tell me.

What part of me

do you find the hottest?

- No. I'm not doing this.

- No. Come on.

No, Martin.

I don't want to answer that.

Look, if you said my shoulders

I would dress to accentuate.

You know?

You know what?

Here's your first tip.

Ripped.

Girls, they don't want

to read your clothes.

I think you're wrong

about that one.

How many of these do you have?

Please, just stop! Hey! Stop!

Look, I don't want your help

in changing me.

I want your help in getting

Abby to like me for me.

Look. Um...

there's a party this Saturday.

At Bram's.

Do you want to go

with my friends and I?

Yes!

Yes! So simple.

Must be why

they call you Simple Simon.

Nobody calls me that, Martin.

Hey, uh, do you want to,

like, sleep over?

SIMON:
Nope.

Oh, hello.

Hey, what's up?

- Nice, right?

- LEAH:
Nick.

Good?

This is, like, a new level of

laziness, even for you.

What do you mean?

I'm Cristiano Ronaldo.

And you couldn't

even be bothered

to fill in the letters

on the back?

No, come on. Give me that.

- You are a bully.

- (laughs)

(In a British accent) Hey. Don't

talk about Yoko that way, man.

Because if you do,

you're out of the band.

Who are you guys

supposed to be?

John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

Oh! I thought she was the girl

from The Ring,

and you were Jesus.

Jesus? No. Why would Jesus be

wearing a white suit?

I don't know. You tell me.

You're the one who decided to

dress up like fancy Jesus.

Oh, my God. Okay. Come here.

- Turn around.

- I'm here.

- Turn around.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Is it good?

- Way better.

- Is it?

Yeah. Now, we need to do

something about this hair.

Maybe slick it back?

NICK:
It doesn't do that.

It doesn't slick back.

Wonder Woman in the hizzy!

NICK:
Hi!

I made up a catchphrase,

'cause Wonder Woman

doesn't have one.

"Hizzy" means house.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Right. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh, Abby, you look amazing.

Thank you!

Yeah. You look awesome.

I'm gonna go make

those frozen pizzas.

NICK:
All right.

Yeah, I'll help.

That's a nice costume, for real.

Thank you.

What? Cristiano Ronaldo!

Nailed it.

Do you remember

when we went to school

dressed as Charlie's Angels?

Oh, my God, yes.

And Nick's balls fell out

of his booty shorts

when he, like, dropped down

to do the gun pose?

Mm. Do you miss

trick-or-treating?

What, you mean

instead of, like,

going to loud parties

pretending to like

the taste of beer

and feeling too self-conscious

to dance?

I don't know why

you feel self-conscious.

I mean, you are very clearly

the coolest person

at our school.

I'm pretty sure you're

the only one who feels that way.

But thank you.

(doorbell ringing)

Who's that?

I invited Martin.

- Martin Addison?

- (groans) Why?

Is this a Make-A-Wish situation?

(doorbell continues ringing)

No, he's cool.

Hey.

Oh, looking sharp.

What the...

- MARTIN:
Guys.

- What are you supposed to be?

Isn't it obvious?

Ah! I'm a Freudian slip.

Abby. Wonder Woman.

NICK:
Just pick a song already.

Hey, Nick, uh,

can you not rush me?

(laughing)

ABBY:
Honestly, I can't

choose. There's so many.

That's like Netflix.

You know, trying to pick

a film on Netflix.

I'm like... (groans)

"Am I in an Apatow mood,

or am I in a Billy Wilder

mood?" You know?

Ooh, play Drake. Yes.

Uh, no. Drake is, like,

super played out at this point.

You can't play out a rap god.

Doesn't happen.

Impossible.

First of all,

he's not a rap god.

And second of all,

I'm looking for some Beyonc.

- Oh.

- I just can't find "Lemonade."

Hey. Here's an

interesting question.

I love Beyonc.

What makes you guys

feel nostalgic?

You do?

I mean, I think everybody

kinda likes Beyonc.

Grape soda makes me

feel very nostalgic.

- What are you talking about?

- What makes you feel nostalgic?

Hey, Abby.

I bet you're gonna have

the best costume tonight.

- Thanks.

- Nah, you're welcome.

(Martin mocking)

What the hell, Spier?

Hey, why is Nick

still flirting with Abby?

SIMON:
I don't know, Martin.

Maybe you shouldn't have

worn a dress.

You look like a drag queen

rolled around

in magnetic poetry.

(music playing)

Hey, Abby!

Whenever you need a refill

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