Love, Simon Page #5

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of your drink,

I'll be

your designated bartender.

So don't worry.

Okay. Hey, Chloe, come here!

Yo, yo, yo!

Hey. John Lennon?

- Yeah. You got it.

- Nice.

And, um, Nick...

- You're Nick.

- No. No. I'm Ronaldo.

- Oh. My bad.

- Obviously.

Who are you supposed to be?

Oh. Uh... I am post-presidency

Barack Obama.

So I'm just chillin' in

Hawaii, drinking Mai Tais,

writing memoirs and hoping

Trump doesn't destroy

my legacy.

- (both chuckle)

- That's awesome.

Thanks. Now let's go

to the bar. Come on.

BOTH:
Yeah.

Hell yeah.

(rapping) My name is

My sign is

- No, Garrett, no.

- My number is

You need to let it go

Need to let it go

Need to let it go

Nah to the ah

to the no, no, no...

Whatchu gonna say?

All right, we should

have a little toast.

No, thanks. I'm driving.

And Simon doesn't

really drink.

No, I drink. It's cool. I drink.

- All right, that's my man.

- NICK:
Really?

You wouldn't even have a glass

of Manischewitz

at Leah's Seder.

It's Halloween, man.

It's a special occasion.

True that.

BOTH:
Cheers.

(gagging)

- You okay?

- (coughing)

(dance music playing)

You're good at this.

You got this.

Abby is the hottest

Wonder Woman I have ever seen.

SIMON:
Yeah.

The sh*t that I would let her

do to me with that lasso.

Oh, I know, man.

Just, like, tie me up

with that thing.

You're not into Abby, are you?

No, no, no.

I mean, it's not like I...

She's cute...

Yeah.

...but she's just not really

my type.

Not because she's black.

I love black women.

Not like, you know, I have

a thing for black women,

I just love all women.

- Oh, oh. Oh!

- Oh!

- Oh, hey.

- Hey! Oh, hey.

Hey. Mm.

- I'm gonna go ask her out.

- What? No.

- No? No?

- No.

- You can't ask Abby out.

- Why not?

Because. She didn't tell you

about Jonathan?

She didn't tell you about that?

- No.

- He's older.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- In college.

He's really experienced.

You know I've only had sex

once, right?

I know that.

You know,

it's like no one tells you

how dark everything is

and how slippery everything

gets, and, you know,

the parts you think

are the right parts

are actually

the wrong parts and...

All right, I'm gonna go eat

my feelings away.

Man, I'm sorry...

NICK:
No, it's okay.

Don't worry about it.

Whoa, whoa.

- BRAM:
Hey, Simon!

- Hey.

Hey, you wanna play Beirut?

Yeah. Sure.

We just need two more people.

How about you and me,

and then, um...

I insist.

Abby and Martin?

- BRAM:
Okay, cool.

- SIMON:
Hey, Martin.

- MARTIN:
Yeah.

- SIMON:
Abby.

Let's play Beirut.

- No, I don't...

- Yeah. Let's do it.

Come on, let's go.

It'll be fun. It'll be fun.

Good old competition.

(chuckles)

- Ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready.

Beirut. Right?

- Yes!

- (sighs)

Okay. Have you ever played

Beirut before?

Uh, totally. Yeah.

Great. All right, so,

two reracks, no blowing

and two balls in the cup means

that you have to

take three, okay?

Okay. Cool.

I thought we were talking

about a different game.

We'll just explain

as we go. Okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay. Got it.

SIMON:
Ready?

- Maybe you should take these...

- Oh.

- You'll see better. Right?

- Good idea. Yeah.

- All you.

- Raindrop!

MARTIN:
Here we go, all right.

You got this one.

Oh, is that...

This is mine to drink?

God.

Oh!

All right.

ALL:
Chug! Chug! Chug!

(imitates explosion)

Do we need a handshake?

Is that...

You get one of these in

and we can totally have

a handshake.

Fly it away. Fly it away.

Chug, chug, chug.

- MARTIN:
Sweet!

- All right.

(belches)

As long as you love me

We could be starving

We could be homeless

We could be loved

As long as you love me

(all cheering)

Why can't I get

Just one screw

Baby, I know what to do

But something won't let me

Make love to you

Day after day

I get angry and I will say

Hey, Bram. It's me, Jacques.

Hey, Bram. I'm Jacques.

Hey, Barack. It's me, Jacques.

(sighs) Why did I pick Jacques?

BOY:
Yeah, no problem.

(girls laughing)

("Monster Mash" playing)

Oh.

I'm sorry, I thought

this was the bathroom.

Sorry.

- I'm starting to get so tired!

- I am so tired.

Hey, Martin, not now, man.

All right?

I've had a big night.

Oh!

Really? Really?

(groans) I'm sorry.

- Come on!

- (Martin coughing)

- LEAH:
What are you doing?

- I don't know.

(Leah sighs)

Willkommen

- Are you serious?

- Bienvenue

Welcome...

Whoa. Careful.

Okay, come on.

We gotta get you home.

- Look, we're so close!

- Oh, my God!

Wait, what?

- Dude, my parents are still up.

- Oh, God.

- Oh...

- Okay, you know what... Come on.

I need you to think of

something really sad...

Uh-huh.

Like, the documentary

about how all the whales

hate living at SeaWorld.

Too sad!

God. Okay, then just,

you know what,

don't say anything at all...

And we'll ditch the barf shirt

till tomorrow.

SIMON:
Okay.

- LEAH:
Si?

- SIMON:
Yeah.

LEAH:
Just as little

as possible,

say as little as possible.

(door creaks)

EMILY:
So how does that work?

I know, I remember

when I went to...

Hey, guys!

- Hey!

- Hey!

- Come talk to us.

- Hey!

- How was the party?

- It was really fun.

- Was it?

- Yeah.

Aces.

BOTH:
Huh. (chuckling)

Uh, well. Thanks for

letting me stay over.

- JACK:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- EMILY:
Yeah.

You've been

staying over 10 years.

You don't have to thank us.

Oh. Yeah, thanks.

(whispers) Stop. Shh!

John Lennon was wearing

a woman's sweater.

- Mm.

- And he's drunk.

- Definitely.

- So how do we feel about that?

Well, he didn't drive drunk,

and he's home

before curfew, so...

Good. That's what I thought

we thought.

Yeah, that's what

we think, right?

- Yeah. We're good parents.

- Yeah, we're good parents.

Right?

(slow music playing)

The room stopped spinning.

Do you ever feel weird?

- Weird?

- Yeah.

Sometimes I feel like

I'm always on the outside.

What do you mean?

Like tonight, you know...

I was at that party,

and it was fun, but...

it kinda felt like

I was watching it

from across the room.

I don't know,

there's this invisible line

that I have to cross

to really be a part

of everything

and I just,

I can't ever cross it.

I feel that way

sometimes, too.

Not tonight you didn't.

Yeah, I was trying something.

Yeah, sometimes I think

it'd be so much easier

to be one of these people who

can just take a few shots

and then hook up

with whoever's closest.

Yeah, I guess I'm just unlucky.

Unlucky?

Why?

Because I'm not

a casual person.

What kind of person are you?

I think I'm the kind of person

who is destined

to care so much

about one person,

it nearly kills me.

Me too.

It's getting late.

Si?

Yeah?

Good night.

Good night.

(slow music continues playing)

SIMON:
Dear Blue,

so one of my friends

likes the other,

and he has no idea.

I guess we all have secrets.

Anyway, I've been

thinking about

why I haven't come out yet.

Maybe it's because

it doesn't seem fair

that only gay people

have to come out.

Why is straight the default?

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