Love, Simon Page #6

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I have something

I need to tell you.

Mom, there's something

I have to tell you.

Can we talk?

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

I'm straight.

I'm straight.

I'm sorry, Mom, it's true.

I like girls.

(coughing)

I like men.

You get that

from your daddy's side.

I'm in love with Nick.

I feel like I've been raising

a stranger.

Yes, absolutely, you have.

I'm heterosexual.

Oh, God. Help me, Jesus. Please.

SIMON:
Or maybe it's because

I can't be sure

this whole "being gay" thing

is forever.

Or maybe it's that there's

not that much

of high school left

and part of me

wants to hold on to

who I've always been

just a little longer.

And then, when I go to college

in Los Angeles,

I'll be gay and proud,

I promise.

("I wanna dance with somebody"

playing)

Woo!

Ooh, yeah, uh-huh

Yeah

I want to dance

Oh! I wanna dance

With somebody

I wanna feel the heat

With somebody

Yeah! I wanna dance

with somebody

With somebody who loves me

Don't you wanna dance

Say you wanna dance

Don't you wanna dance

With somebody who loves me

Oh

Oh oh

Yeah, maybe not that gay.

SIMON:
I'm not sure

who I'm promising.

I'll keep ruminating.

Love, Jacques.

Sh*t!

TAYLOR:
So, yeah,

after swimming with dolphins,

we fly to Saint Martin

for New Year's.

Anybody else,

Christmas in the Caribbean?

Staying here.

We have a classic

Spier tradition

of French toast

on Christmas Eve.

I'm going to an unheated

vacation house

in the middle of nowhere.

As is our bleak

family tradition.

(winces) Ow! Ow!

Oh, man. Oh.

You okay?

Oh, yeah, that's a paper cut.

Overdramatic.

Um, Simon, do you know

where the bandages are?

Yeah. They're just

in the supply closet.

Okay, do you mind showing me?

Be right back.

He's like a nurse, this man.

Okay, I don't actually have

a paper cut.

I know that, Martin.

You're a very bad actor.

What, you think this is funny?

Simon, look,

I don't wanna have to

leak your emails, all right?

But I will.

Look, you cannot

bring Blue into this, okay?

If he found out

that my emails got leaked,

he'd get totally freaked,

all right?

He'd never talk to me again.

Yeah, probably not, you know?

The Internet's a freaky place

to meet people.

- Yo.

- Hey!

Hey!

- Fun movie! Freak.

- Freaky Friday.

- That's a fun movie!

- Freaky, freak, freaky.

- Yeah, freaky-deaky Dutch!

- She's a super freak

- BOTH:
Super freak

- You guys are weird.

I need a Band-Aid.

Those programs are a b*tch.

Erm, yo. Martin was having

trouble running his lines

and we were thinking

we could go

to Waffle House

and go over 'em.

- Really?

- Yeah.

That would be great.

I'm insky.

- Good work, Spier.

- Go to hell, Martin.

(cell phone chimes)

BLUE:
Jacques,

if I were a betting man,

I'd say you were

drunk emailing me

during that last letter.

Don't worry. I liked it.

As for coming out,

I know what you mean

about wanting to wait

till college.

But our emails

have inspired me.

I'm going to tell my family.

So thanks, Jacques.

Love, Blue.

(indistinct chatter)

Yeah.

MARTIN:
Hey!

- Madame.

- ABBY:
Oh.

(chuckles) Simon...

How the thespians

rehearse, right?

LYLE:
Hey, guys.

What can I get you?

Lyle! You guys know Lyle?

We have Latin together.

ABBY:
I don't think so.

Hi. How's it going?

Actually, we had Bio together

last year?

- SIMON:
Oh, really?

- It's Simon, right?

Yeah. Yeah, sorry,

I don't, um...

It's okay.

It was like a big class,

and I have a good memory

for faces.

What can I get you guys?

MARTIN:
Well, we plan

on being here for a while.

So, we're gonna start off small

and go larger.

Probably get some bacon first,

some sausage. I'd say...

ABBY:
"You're right. I'm much

too strange and extraordinary.

Much! And much too distracting!"

Wow.

And you never did any acting

at your old school?

No. Can we get back to...

And yet,

you're from D.C., right?

Yeah. Can you give me

my next cue, though?

MARTIN:
So why

did you move here?

Because my parents got divorced

and my aunt found us

an apartment in her building.

Why'd they get divorced?

Why does it matter, Martin?

Are you writing a book

about girls

from a broken home in D.C.?

So?

I thought that my dad

was the greatest person

on the planet.

But it turns out that he's

just a sad, tired loser

who hates his job,

drinks way too much beer,

and cheats on his wife.

To make up for all the stuff

that I just mentioned, so...

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

You deserve the father

that you thought you had.

You know what, Abby?

You deserve

a goddamn superhero.

Okay, thank you.

Let's get back to the...

Say it.

What?

I wanna hear you say

"I, Abby Susso,

am an incredible young woman

and deserve

a goddamn superhero."

I'm not gonna say that, Martin.

Okay. Well, um...

I won't stop until you say it.

ABBY:
Okay.

- What are you...

- Excuse me.

- Waffle House patrons!

- ABBY:
Martin. Martin, stop.

- Pardon the interruption.

- BOTH:
Martin.

I would just like to say

that Abby Susso here

is an incredible young woman.

Martin, please.

And deserves

a goddamn superhero.

- Okay, okay...

- That's right. Abby Susso!

Abby Susso is an incredible

young woman!

ABBY:
I'm Abby Susso!

Incredible young woman,

and deserves...

- A goddamn superhero.

- A goddamn superhero.

- A goddamn superhero!

- A goddamn superhero!

A goddamn superhero!

Yeah.

All right.

(claps)

Breakthrough. Yeah.

Okay, you can all go back

to your meals. Thank you.

Please sit down. Please.

- (Martin clears throat)

- (Abby sighs)

Well...

Well, let's get back to...

- my entrance into your song.

- I'm gonna take five.

MARTIN:
"Ah, the Kit Kat Klub

proudly presents...

I'll be right back.

...a beautiful woman

coming straight from England."

Sally Bowles, everybody."

Hey.

Were you in Bio when they did

that identifying leaves test?

Yes. And Joel Winslow

ate that poison ivy.

Because Doug Fogerty told him

it was pot.

- Right. (laughs)

- SIMON:
Poor Joel.

I think he just wants

to be liked 'cause...

you ever notice that he has

extra pens in his backpack?

Like, you know,

he's just waiting for the day

that someone comes up

to ask him for a pen?

And then he can be that guy

to give 'em a pen.

You see everything,

don't you, Simon?

I don't know.

But Simon means

"the one who hears"

and Spier means

"the one who sees"

so you put that all together

and pretty sure that means

I was just destined

to be up

in everybody's business.

I've gotta get back inside

and scrub down

some waffle irons.

- Duty calls.

- Indeed.

I'll see you in there.

Yeah, I'll see ya.

(cell phone chimes)

Hi.

BLUE:
So my dad's flying in

tonight for Hanukkah.

If you are thinking,

"But Hanukkah isn't

for another month!"

Well, you are correct.

Welcome to navigating

divorced parents.

Take holidays

where you can get them.

And my dad's staying at the

same crappy motel as always.

We'll do all our

horribly awkward traditions.

We'll light the menorah

and I'll silently pray

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