Love & Air Sex Page #5

Breathe.

He's coming over.

Hey!

Take the knives.

Put them in your purse.

Oh, my God!

Hey!

Whoa!

Jeff!

Crazy!

So good to see you.

Hello, Kara.

Oh, well.

Hey there.

What a surprise.

Yeah!

How are you?

So good.

I'm so good.

Yeah, how you doing?

I'm never been better.

Yeah.

'Cause you look so good.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank you.

Especially in that

video last night.

Oh!

Yeah, very impressive.

Yes. Well, I'm going

to the finals.

Oh!

Wow!

I know.

Congratulations.

And I see you've

taken up photography.

That's great.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, sure have.

What did you think?

I loved it. Great composition, just

really good lighting all around.

It was really nice work.

Although I notice he's not

here to buy you breakfast.

That's not too classy.

No, no.

But I think it's really classy

that you've bought breakfast

for the little she-whore that

you slept with last night.

Yeah.

She's the best.

Yeah. You know,

she looks really familiar.

She really looks like

someone that I know.

Yes.

Oh!

I know who. Me!

Oh, okay.

You're right.

I mean, it's...

It's really kinda true.

I'm sorry.

Kinda pathetic, Jeff.

Kind of Vertigo.

You gonna dress her

up in my clothes, too?

No, I would never do that.

I don't even

like your clothes.

So...

Well, we know my guy

didn't look like you.

At least not downstairs.

You guys have

a good breakfast.

That was so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, f***.

What?

Ow!

God, she even

looks like me.

No, she really doesn't.

Oh, I see.

Hey, don't go in there. Hey,

really don't go inside, please.

I will kill you!

Do you understand?

Oh, my God.

I will f*** you up.

He's gone. He's gone.

He's gone.

He's gone.

Oh, you got a...

You got a chip.

Take your phone out.

What?

Take your phone out.

Take your phone out. Why?

Okay.

Pull up Cathy's number.

Got it?

Yeah.

Delete on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

You know what, that...

I think that actually

feels good.

You okay?

She drinks my cum, man.

She actually likes it.

Where am I gonna find somebody

who's that cool ever again?

It's...

No. Yeah, that's

really cool of her.

Yep. Okay. We're moving on.

We're moving on up,

like the mother-f***ing

Jeffersons.

Okay, men.

Yeah, let's

get f***ed up.

We are not leaving

this apartment

till we come up with an air

sex routine that is so depraved

and so sick that we will be ashamed

to look our own mothers in the eye

for another year.

Maybe this is a coincidence,

but I was just sitting here thinking,

"What am I gonna do

for dinner tonight?"

That sounds like

fate to me.

Well, I was probably just gonna

microwave this gas station burrito.

Setting the timer now, but I'm

thinking between the two of us,

we could come up with something

better than that, right?

Right. I'll come by around eight, okay?

Okay, bye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that voice.

I may have to wring

out my panties.

Kara, what am I doing?

What do you mean?

You're moving on up,

like the mother-f***ing

Jeffersons.

Okay, guys, you know what

we're gonna do tonight?

What we're gonna do is

we're gonna break free.

We're gonna break free

from their petty needling.

We're gonna break free from their

impossibly high expectations,

and their f***ing harassment

about what lamp is gonna

look better in that corner.

F*** that corner.

F*** that corner. Guys, I

really need you on my team

and I feel great about tonight.

Can we do this together?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Stan, am I bothering you?

Nope.

Who are you texting?

Nobody.

Hey!

Is it someone with a vagina?

Nope. Let's do this.

Let's f*** the air.

Yeah, you must f*** the air.

You must f*** the air!

You must f*** the air!

You are a miracle worker.

Mmm-hmm.

I've got b*obs.

Normally, it's just like two

sensitive freckles.

Ooh! I'll get it.

Help! Help!

Oh, what?

Now, listen, okay.

Be careful.

Careful?

Yeah, if his dick is as

big as his brother's,

you will be coming home

in a hospital gurney.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Okay, I put condoms in your bag. Kara!

What? Don't be

afraid to say yes.

No, no. I'm going

home tomorrow.

I can't leave you

alone tonight.

Who says I'm gonna be alone?

Not Ralphie?

No, barf-boy,

are you f***ing kidding me?

Hello. Welcome.

Hello. Thank you.

Come in. Come in. O-M-G.

Hi. How you doing? He brought

flowers. Are you from this century?

You totally didn't

need to do this.

See, I did bring flowers, but

they're not for you, they're for you.

I'm sorry. I would have got

you flowers, but I didn't.

Oh, um...

It's not funny.

No, it is.

Yeah. He had a moment

the other night,

but he's a real sweet guy.

What?

Right.

Okay!

Bye.

Bye-bye.

All right. All right.

You ready to go?

Bye, Kara.

Be safe.

Yes. Yes.

We will. We will.

Good night.

Goodbye.

Ugh!

So, the Marines...

That's...

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um...

Did you ever...

Go to war, shoot

someone, get stabbed?

Oh, does everybody

ask you that?

All the time. Yeah.

So sorry.

You should be.

So, did you?

You didn't notice

my wooden leg?

No, I took some shrapnel

to the shoulder.

Wall exploded and piece

of pipe lodged in there.

Had to cut it out.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

It sounds worse

than it was but...

Can I see it?

Like, now?

Yeah.

Seriously?

Absolutely.

I... We were, um...

We're studying

wound care in

class right now

and it would be highly,

highly educational.

I think they're

gonna let us in.

Okay, people.

The air sex finals

are beyond sold out.

So,

we're gonna seat the finalists

and their guests first.

So, when I call your name

you can go on in.

Uh, Hugh G. Rection.

P*ssy Juice Cocktail.

I'm a little worried

'cause they've got vaginas,

and that always gives you

the upper hand.

Nazi Assfucker.

You know that girl

I met here, uh,

she's playing a show nearby.

She's been texting me.

Fuckasaurus Rex!

So?

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Okay, whatever. Go.

Insane Clown P*ssy.

So, you're gonna

bail on me again.

Look, I'm not bailing

on you... Yeah, you are.

Donni Darkhole.

I'm going to hang

out with a girl.

Isn't that what you

want me to do

this weekend, right?

Isn't that the whole...

Yeah. You really need me here for this?

You're right.

Go, go. Yeah.

F*** her in the butt. Okay, so you're

going to hold this against me, really?

Why is it so

important to you?

Yeah, because everything in my life

is going so incredibly right now, dude.

I'm f***ing sleeping

on a couch

and driving around

in a corpse.

I'm sorry I'm not in Beverly

Hills making my dreams come true.

Making my... Right. I'm f***ing

working at a pizza parlor in Pasadena.

So, then you went out there

for no reason. That's...

I moved, dude.

I don't know why you're

taking it so personally.

Because ever since you

broke up with Cathy,

you broke us all up. Things have never

been the same between me and Kara...

That's my fault?

... since you left.

Dude, I'm responsible for my own

f***ed up relationships, not yours.

Right, okay.

What about your

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