Love And Other Drugs Page #4

---

Let's go.

Excuse me?

You wanna close, right?

You wanna get laid?

Now?

Mmm. Oh, right, right, right. I'm supposed

to act like I don't know if it's right,

so then you tell me that there is no right

or wrong, there's just the moment.

And then I tell you that I can't,

while actually signaling to you that I can,

which you don't need,

because you're not really listening,

because this isn't about connection

for you, this isn't even about sex for you.

This is about finding an hour or two

of relief from the pain of being you.

And that's fine with me, see,

because all I want is the exact same thing.

You left me standing

in the doorway crying

Does that mean I don't have to leave a tip?

And now you're thinking,

"Will I stay five minutes or ten?"

And, "Where did I throw my pager?"

Mmm.

I'm not thinking that. It's under the table.

You're probably thinking,

"What's this guy's name again?"

Bye, Johnny.

I think it's time for you to go.

Whoa, whoa, I don't need to go.

Well, I need you to go.

Oh, okay.

It was nice meeting you.

It was nice meeting you, too.

Maybe we'll...

We'll see each other around.

I'll just leave the key there.

Thanks.

'Cause he gets up in the morning

And he goes to work at 9:00

And he comes back home at 5:30

Gets the same train every time

'Cause his world is built 'round punctuality

It never fails

And he's oh, so good

And he's oh, so fine

And he's oh, so healthy

In his body and his mind

He's a well respected man about town

Doing the best things so conservatively

And his mother goes to meetings

And she stirs the tea with councilors

While discussing foreign trade

What?

Wait! Wait.

Oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know it's so late.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I didn't see anything! My glasses are off!

Josh, turn around!

Hi. Josh. Pleasure to meet you.

I can recite

the six causes of pernicious anemia

and the four stages of terminal cirrhosis.

And by fourth grade, I knew what

a distended ileum felt like on palpation.

So why did you bail on med school?

I didn't bail. I just

couldn't finish college.

I couldn't sit through a class.

Oh. Ritalin at 10.

Eight.

Show-off.

But you were really smart?

Yeah. The prodigal son, with ADD.

You want to know the truth?

Hmm?

I just couldn't give my father

the satisfaction.

Does this generally work for you?

What?

This. The whole misunderstood-by-Dad-

I'm-a-vulnerable-guy thing.

Usually. Yeah.

Well, it's pretty good.

Thanks.

But somewhere along the line,

say, sixth grade,

a girl smiled at you,

or a bunch of girls smiled at you,

and, ta-da,

Jamie's good at something after all.

Actually, it was the fifth grade.

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

I'm going.

- Why?

- See...

The thing is, I really like having sex,

and I actually really like

having sex with you,

so let's just keep it simple.

I can do that.

Yeah, you do seem like a shithead,

so it should be all right.

There's just alarms going off in my head

that you're not entirely what you seem.

Oh, no, no. I'm a shithead, believe me.

Good.

Because if you turn out

not to be a shithead, that would be bad.

I'm a shithead, believe me.

Through and through.

Hey!

Hey, man. How are you?

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Damaged cells are releasing

arachidonic acid.

Your body's converting it to prostaglandin,

which is triggering a fiesta

of enzymes necessary for pain.

Do you wanna throw up?

It's not gonna help.

It's gonna take about a minute

for the acid to dissipate

and your natural morphine to kick in.

- You know why I hit you?

- No! No!

Prozac has helped millions of people

overcome intractable mood disorders,

making miserable lives livable.

It's even helped me

with some of my own anger issues.

So when someone fucks with my Prozac,

it upsets me.

You know what people say about me?

You're in the top ten nationally?

Why do you suppose that is?

F*** you!

Why do you suppose that is?

Because I'm ex-Marine,

and I'll destroy anyone

who gets in my way.

Right.

Sh*t.

Ow!

F***.

I'd ice that as soon as you can.

If it hurts in a few days, get an X-ray.

And stay away from Maggie.

Excuse me.

Are those more samples?

Yeah. Help yourself.

Thanks.

I got a job interview today.

Oh, that's great. That's great.

That's great.

Hello, ladies!

No samples today.

What do you mean?

I got great stuff for you!

No samples today, thank you.

She's just a friend.

No samples today. Sorry.

Okay. What's going on?

Trey got to you, didn't he?

What'd he give you?

No samples today, thank you. Hawaii.

Hawaii?

No samples today. Doctor's convention.

Sand and surf in Honolulu.

Wow. Okay.

Okay.

I got to get out of here.

You're not going to go see her, are you?

No.

Mmm-hmm.

Maggie!

Hi.

Hey, what's that?

Food.

- For?

- Eating.

They're my noodles!

You already

have a face full of noodles!

Jesus!

My God, you are so selfish.

You're just like my mother.

Did you sleep with your mother?

Ew!

- What?

- You know what?

She's cute, she's available, you'd love her.

The only thing is, she happens to

take up all the oxygen in the room

and hog all the closet space,

but other than that,

you two are perfect for each other.

Is she hotter than you?

I bet she's hotter than you.

She doesn't have a disease, either.

Does that work for you generally?

- What?

- Self-pity.

You are a shithead.

What?

Nothing.

This is nice.

Okay, I think it's time to

take off your clothes and jump me.

Wait. Am I not allowed to say that?

I don't know.

First you bring food,

and then you wanna spend the night,

and then you bring a change of clothes,

and then you bring a razor and,

oh, my God, it's a relationship.

I don't want a relationship.

Well, you can't guarantee

that now, can you?

You might actually have some kind of

latent humanity that

you don't know anything about.

You might like being

in a relationship, and...

Listen, I said this was nice.

I didn't ask you to marry me.

Well, I wouldn't want to be

with someone who was sick, either.

I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- No.

I just... I did that before,

and it didn't...

It wasn't good.

I'd just been diagnosed,

and he was married.

He helped me, and it didn't end well. So...

It's Trey Hannigan, isn't it?

- Trey Hannigan? It was Trey Hannigan.

- Yeah, well...

Uh...

Are you in love with him?

No, I'm not in love with Trey Hannigan.

I was never in love with Trey Hannigan.

He was... Said he was in love with me.

Which was, you know, a problem.

- Can we just...

- Right, yeah.

- Yeah? Okay.

- Yeah.

- Please.

- Okay.

You get a special thank you

for bringing food.

I do?

Yes, you do.

Mmm.

- You know what?

- What?

What?

I got to pee.

- I'll be right back.

- All right.

Just give me a second, okay?

Okay.

Mmm.

Focus, focus, focus.

Should I keep going?

- This never happens.

- I'm aware.

I'm serious. It doesn't.

No, no, no. Don't worry about it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes