Love And Other Drugs Page #5

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It's me. I'm a jinx.

That's really helpful.

You know what? Why don't you

talk about all the other guys

that you slept with that couldn't get it up,

'cause then it would really like...

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Just calm down.

Just give me a minute.

Don't worry about it.

I am worried about it!

Jesus! Can you just please...

Just show me a little kindness?

Please.

Oh, you lying sack of sh*t!

You do have latent humanity.

- Do you know what's going on here?

- I just want to have sex.

Well, your body's telling you otherwise.

What is that supposed to mean?

Sit up.

- I don't want to sit up.

- Come on. Sit up. Sit up. Sit up. Come on.

All right. Now talk to me.

I don't want to talk.

What else are we going to do?

You've taken sex off the table.

Oh!

Come on. Come on.

Tell me how your day was.

- My day?

- Mmm-hmm.

So I sneak up to my room and

I white out the "D" so it looks like a "B,"

which I did flawlessly. It was undetectable.

And I go down to his study

and I hand him the paper.

And he gives me the face.

And I'm like, "What?"

Mmm-hmm.

And then, from behind his back,

he pulls out the goddamn carbon copy

- that the school sent home.

- Oh, no!

- Yeah.

- Wow.

Genius. Genius.

- You're so competitive.

- No!

Yeah! Yes, you are. Oh, my God, I tell you

I'm involved with Trey Hannigan

and you can't get it up.

I could give a sh*t about Trey Hannigan.

All you care about is beating him!

- Bullshit!

- You know, it's so prehistoric.

All men care about is performance,

but they have an appendage

that doesn't work

if they're worried about performance.

Mmm. Well, you're an expert, so...

Okay. If I'm an expert,

then why is your company spending

billions making a drug

so that guys can get it up?

Oh, I wish.

It's true. I read it.

Pfizer's making a f*** drug.

Where'd you read that?

I don't know. Ask your guys.

I don't know where I read it.

I'm a drug slut. I read everything.

- What drug?

- I don't know,

but it's hard to believe, isn't it?

It's hard to believe.

- It's gonna be pretty huge, though.

- Oh!

When I think of the size of the problem

and that it's growing larger, really...

- Really.

- I can't even imagine!

You know what I think...

To have found a solution

to the stiffest, hardest...

Wow.

- Pfizer must be swelling with pride.

- I'm gonna stop you.

No tickling! Stop!

Stop! No tickling! No, please!

Don't tickle me just

because you have a limp sense of humor!

Oh!

Hello.

Keep talking.

No more talking.

Who are all these old people?

Uh... Just some people I work with.

Wow. These are beautiful.

It looks like a photograph.

When did you do this?

Uh...

Back when I could hold a brush.

Here's your breakfast.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, well...

I'll call you.

- Don't.

- I will.

I'm not kidding.

I can't do this.

I told you.

Okay, then.

See you.

Your problem is

you don't know how to close!

You gotta tell the docs what they need.

Somebody says no,

that's when the fun starts.

That means you are in.

- My numbers are up.

- Your Zithromax is up. Big deal.

We're not going to Chicago on Zithromax.

Depressed people, Randall,

they're depressed every day.

You gotta move Zoloft.

- I want you to focus on Zoloft.

- Zoloft.

Counseling? Here's some counseling.

Stop being a f***ing b*tch.

Wait, did I use "you" language?

Trial separation.

I'm so sorry. I need to own my feelings.

F***ing pepperoni.

Let me rephrase that.

I feel that you should stop

being a f***ing b*tch!

So, I hear we're coming out

with a new sex drug.

- What are you talking about?

- Is it true?

- Where did you hear that?

- Heard it around.

Sildenafil citrate. It's a PDE-5 inhibitor.

They lucked into it during trials

for blood pressure medication.

Guys had massive boners the whole time.

Where did you hear that?

- What's it called?

- Viagra.

- I want it.

- Everybody wants it.

I could sell the sh*t out of it.

Can you see if there's some Tums

in there for me in the glove compartment?

- Bruce.

- Tums me, buddy.

Bruce.

Bruce. I want that account.

Why would I give it to you?

Who can sell a dick drug better than me?

Ten years, Jamie,

ten excruciating years of marriage.

It's like the lost decade.

Oh, my God!

I don't even know

how to hit on women anymore.

What do you do? What's your game?

You need an IBS.

Do you know what that is?

Irritable Bowel Syndrome?

An Initial Benefit Statement.

Tell them who you are, why you're there

and what you can do for them.

All right? And just be yourself, Josh.

- You'll be fine.

- Thank you very much.

Oh! Look who just walked in.

Now's your chance, "Closer. "

Show me what you got.

Show me.

Hey! Pfizer, how's your fist?

How's your jaw?

Randall, you know Stan Knight, right?

Stan, this is a bright young man

from Pfizer.

Yes, we've met.

- Yeah. How you doing?

- Fantastic.

New study on Zoloft,

So, I'm feeling good.

You'd do better selling him

if you got him laid.

Can you get me laid?

Stan's one of the more respected

diagnosticians in town,

but his real calling is p*ssy-hound.

Yes, and I think your real calling is pimp.

Now, you're banging Maggie Murdock,

aren't you?

Are.

You are.

Oh, God, those tits are unbelievable!

- So not fair!

- All right.

No, no. You don't see that a lot

in the neurologically damned.

What do you mean, "damned"?

You don't die from Parkinson's.

Well, it's not much of a life, now is it?

What do you mean? Interferon, L-dopa...

It slowed the progress

in the majority of cases.

Listen, Dr. Drug Rep.

You know less than sh*t, okay?

She's a sick girl.

Oh. Is that what you told your wife?

That's none of your f***ing business.

Maggie has all sorts of needs,

and I don't think a p*ssy like you

is up for the job.

Right, and a married man is?

- Whoa, whoa!

- You really want me to hit you again?

Chill out, man! Chill.

Wait! Don't get aggressive.

Don't get aggressive. Hey!

Whoa! Baby, okay. It's okay.

Inter-f***ing-feron, really?

- You know what?

- Hey.

Easy, easy.

- I'm going home.

- No, you're not.

- No, no, no. I'm going home.

- Good. Say hi to your wife.

I'm keeping my eyes on you, buddy.

That freaked me out.

He actually, physically hit you, didn't he?

Yeah, he did, and I was afraid

he was going to do it again.

He might have to up his meds,

that young man.

Or maybe he needs to change to

a drug that's proven more effective

in controlling aggressive behavior.

Zoloft produced 13% fewer outbursts

in a controlled study of adult males.

And I think it's...

Turn to your left.

Turn to your left right now.

Turn to your left.

Those two women, I know both of them.

Which one do you want to take home?

You're a superstar. Confidence is king.

Hey. What do you say we blow this joint,

and then each other?

Okay.

Thank you.

We ready?

- You okay, champ?

- No.

What are you doing? Are you calling her?

Hey, did she go down on you?

Farrah looks at my dick

like it's the Eye of Sauron.

Hello?

Did you call me?

No. I did not call you.

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