Love Crazy Page #4

- Yes, I'm sure.

She called here and pretended

she was a business friend, a J.B.

He ordered a taxicab,

and they've been gone for three hours.

Steve said they lived directly below us,

didn't he?

Susan, tell me, what are you going to do?

Mother, I think you'd better

run along now.

- Yes, of course, but I should think you...

- Please, Mother.

Well!

Goodnight, dear.

But if you take my advice, you'II...

- Mother, I'll handle this.

- Very well.

Hello? Connect me

with the Grayson apartment, please.

Mr. Grayson's apartment?

Yes, that's right, Grayson.

- Yes?

- Hello. Is Mr. Ireland there?

Mr. Ireland? No. Certainly not!

Well, is Mrs. Grayson there?

Mrs. Grayson? No, she's not.

There's nobody here, and I'm busy.

Well, I'm sorry to bother you,

but when do you expect them back?

Well, I don't expect them back...

Say, wait a minute.

You mean that my wife's out

with Steve Ireland?

Well, yes, she is, but, of course,

I don't mean that there's anything wrong.

- Who is this?

- This is Mrs. Ireland.

Well, you may not think

there's anything wrong,

but if your husband's starting

to fool around with Isobel again,

I'll break his back.

Oh, no.

No, I'm sure that won't be necessary.

No? Well, then just what do you think

I should do about it?

Well, tell me, Mr. Grayson,

are you good looking?

Am I good...

Hey, are you kidding me?

What's on your mind?

If Steve were to walk in and find me,

say, kissing you,

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have

any more trouble with him.

I get it.

Give them a taste

of their own medicine, huh?

It's a great idea.

All right, wait for me.

I'll be there in a few minutes.

Say, wait a minute. What do you look like?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll bring some pictures.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Say, you are good looking.

- What?

- That makes everything perfect.

- Well, thanks very much...

I think we better turn out

some of these lights.

It'll make it look more romantic.

Pardon me. I can't for the moment

remember where we met.

I don't think we ever did.

I've seen you in the elevator now and then.

Oh, so that was it.

I know what would help.

Let's have something to drink.

Oh, pardon me, of course, of course.

Well, now let's see, what'll you have?

I don't suppose you care for whiskey.

Why not? Perfect. But perfect.

Yeah? Well, how will you have it,

highball or straight?

Oh, just spread it around the room.

All right, if that's the way you want it.

What are you... Oh, that's a good idea.

- It'll smell like an orgy.

- I never did this before.

Say, wouldn't you care

to drink a little of it?

A little on the breath would help.

Tell me, dear,

how did you ever happen to think of this?

Well, when I thought about my husband

being out with another woman,

- I decided to teach him a lesson.

- Oh, I see.

Well, we'll teach him a good lesson,

won't we?

We certainly will.

- I think I'll put some lip rouge on you now.

- And why not?

Oh, come, come,

we can do better than that, can't we?

- Please! Please!

- Well, what's the matter?

- Well, there's no particular hurry about it.

- All right, have it your way.

- What's all this?

- I shoot a little.

Can you hit anything with it?

Once in a while.

I just happen to be the world's champion.

Not really.

- Shall I put an apple on my head?

- You'd be perfectly safe.

- Here, I'll show you.

- Shh!

Oh, I thought... What are you doing?

I can't shoot unless my torso's free,

if you'll pardon the expression.

You know,

it's the same thing with Indians.

You put a coat on them,

and they can't hit their hats.

I didn't know Indians wore hats.

- There you are.

- Oh, quick! Hold me. Grab me.

No, no. No, not here. No, over here.

Swell. Kiss me.

Oh, you're beautiful.

What have I ever done to deserve this?

- It must have been somebody else.

- Who?

I don't know. Whoever it was.

You know, you're not

the easiest girl in the world to understand.

Why not?

Well, you do seem to, sort of,

blow hot and cold.

- How do you mean?

- You're moody.

Sometimes you're abandoned and gay

and then suddenly you become reserved,

cautious, afraid of life.

You're a little peculiar yourself.

Oh, I'm not really,

not when you get to know me.

Oh, now, now, quick! Kiss me!

Stop it! Let go! It wasn't they.

- There you go again. Who wasn't who?

- My husband. I thought I heard his voice.

- Oh, so that's your game, eh?

- What game?

Your husband was gonna come in here

and find you with me.

- That was your plan, wasn't it?

- Why, yes, that was our plan. That's right.

And he was gonna hold me up for

a nice piece of change to forget about it.

So that's your racket, eh?

- Oh, don't be silly. Steve...

- Shut up!

Now, you wanted a scene

for your husband to walk in on.

Well, you're going to get one, a beaut!

And if he squawks,

I'll turn you both over to the police.

Now, come on, lady. Come on.

- Oh, my! Keep away from me.

- Take it easy.

- Help! Help!

- Hey, wait! Baby, wait a minute!

Please! Please, listen to me!

You're misunderstanding the whole thing.

I swear there's nothing more

to the situation

than what I told you on the telephone.

Please, believe me, Mr. Grayson.

What did you call me?

- Oh, don't you...

- Well, wait...

- Steve! Steve!

- Hey! Wait a minute! Wait! Wait!

Let go of me, Mr. Grayson,

or I'll scream like an eagle.

- Wait a minute. I'm not Mr. Grayson.

- You're not?

No, that's Grayson's apartment

across the hall.

Oh, but... Then who...

Well, then you thought that I...

How dared you!

Hey, take it easy!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Well, I guess I can't blame you very much.

What a stupid mistake.

Oh, there's no harm done,

not unless your hair's turned white.

- Has it?

- No.

But I bet you won't forget this experience

in a hurry.

I'll never forget it as long as I live.

- Susan, what... What are you doing here?

- Well, well, the breadwinner.

How's business?

Who's this?

Don't tell me that's Aunt Laura!

Oh, my name's Willoughby,

Ward Willoughby.

He's Aunt Laura if that's J.B.

Oh, don't go, J.B.

I hear you're an expert

in holding corporations.

Are you talking to me?

Look, I don't want to be tiresome,

but who is this?

The name's Willoughby, Ward Willoughby.

Aren't you cold like that?

Mrs. Grayson's always so worried

about men being cold.

At the moment, you're hardly in a position

to criticize anyone's behavior.

Oh, now, look, Isobel.

That's not a nice thing to say.

Shut up! If you were half a man,

you'd beat his head off.

Look, I'm Ward Willoughby...

- Well, is that called for?

- Well, what do you think?

Well, if that's what's expected of me.

Oh, now, stop it! Stop it!

This gentleman's a friend of mine.

This is my husband, Steve Ireland.

- I'm Ward Willoughby. How do you do.

- How do you do.

Well, what the devil do I mean,

"How do you do"?

What are you doing with my wife

dressed like that?

I'm not dressed like that.

Look, I was in my apartment,

minding my own...

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