Love Hard Page #3

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Jm-Ah, they're friends, Grandma June.

N-We're maybe just a little bit more than just friends.

Jm-Oh my God. Are you... are you his "G Word"?

Jg-Geisha? Jm-NO. Oh, you're his girlfriend?

N-I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.

Jm-Oh my gosh…. this is just off the charts. Look at you!

N- Thanks. It's a new lip gloss.

Jd-Josh has a girlfriend?

N-Well, I mean... NO Do we have something special? Yes. Did I fly from LA to sürprise him for Christmas? Mm-hmm. Sure did. Here I am. Am I crazy?

jd-A little.

N-Uh, yeah, maybe a little.

Jm-You are-- This is just so romantic.

Natalie- Oh God, I hope so.

[Barb] Oh, Natalie, we are so-- That's him. Josh!

J-If The UPS guy's here to see me. Just sign for the package!

Jm- It's not UPS! [laughing] Just come up.

[Barb, Bob, Grandma] Surprise! J-Natalie? [nervously] What are you doing here?

Josh’s fam- Surprising you for Christmas

N-Um…I- uhm..forgot my luggage, so I’m gonna…

JM; Josh go help her with her luggage.

Josh:
Natalie!

Jd;Good work, Josh!

N-No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening

J-Look. I... I can explain!

N- [breathing heavily] I don't understand. We talked. [gulps] made sure=- The... the photo! It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!

J-I'm pretty good at Photoshop.

N-[breathing heavily] Oh my God!

[Josh] Okay, let's take a deep breath. Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no

N-What kind of psychopath creates a fake profile and then starts a fake relationship online? [grunts]

J- What kind of psycho flies across the country and shows up on somebody's front lawn?

N-You said, and I quote, "I wish w you were here with me for Christmas. J-That's just something people say Like, "Your baby's so cute" or "My diet starts tomorrow. Everybody knows that.

N-[groans]

[Josh] Well, apparently not everybody. Mm.

N-Are you implying that this is my fault?

J-Nobody is blaming anybody, okay?

[Natalie] Oh!

J-Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're in shock!

N-Yes, I have. He was born in Beijing, and he was amazing in bed. How could you lie to me? I really liked you.

J-I'm sorry. I.... I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?

J-Can we..... can we go back inside and-

N-No, I'm not going inside! I 'm not going anywhere with you. I never want to see you again. Okay?

- [Josh] You don't know where you're going!

N-Baby Jesus will take the wheel.

[male patron] Yeah!

(Music)

N-Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.

Barman-I got you. One sec, baby girl.

Back people-And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory or a bigger penis?"

Bp-Okay. What'd you say?

Bp-I don't remember.

Bp-Cali Asskicker

[man 2] Cali Asskicker! [man 2]Get over here! - [

man 3 Put em up, put "em up. - [

bartender] Triple Sec. Rum juice,

Bp-Okay. Talk to me.

-[bartender] Orange juice. Kiwi.

-bp-Say what? +

[bartenderl Great. Bp-You know me.

N-Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.

Nf-Tell me you are calling me from his bathroom after the most intense orgasm of your life.

N-[inhales] Hard to have an orgasm when you've been catfished!

Nf-Shut up. Are you joking? [

Josh] Oh Jesus.

Nf-You're telling me the guy exists and he's there? N-Yup• + Nf-[Kerry] That is not a coincidence, bitchNf- That is a sign from God. You should totally go for it. What are you, an LA six which makes you a Lake Placid ten? You owe it to yourself and your 50, 000 frequent- flier miles to go for it. Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?

N-The last remaining microscopic shred of my pride and self-respect?

[Kerry] Long gone, Nat. Besides, think of the story vou'll write. Oh my God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words. You know what, you're gonna go, and you're gonna do this, and I.... I want you to make that okay? Get that rugged unicorn notice you, okay? You got this. Go, go, go, go I love you. Call me later.

Barman-Here are your drinks, guys. Get involved.

[woman] Thanks.

[Natalie] Sorry, I need these more than you do.

[woman] Hey!

N-The roof might not be my child. [gulps] but I'm still gonna raise it. [crowd cheering] [coughs, clears throat] [singer laughing]

Hey! Where's my drink? Who has my drink? –

N-[clears throat, coughs]

Karaoke man-Okay, what do we got? This is Christmas karaoke

[Natalie] Just play it, please.

Km-Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing [sighs] her idea of a Christmas song,

J-Sweet baby Jesus.

['I Would Do Anything For Love" [Natalie] / And I would do anything For love

Men-Yes! Whoo!

Main boy-Be respectful. She has a condition.

N-Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

[patron] Whoo.

Tag-Yeah! Very solid.

-[crowd cheering]

J-Here. You left these inside.

N-[gasping] Sh*t. There must've been kiwi in those shots.

J-What?

N-[coughing] [straining] Where is it? Where is it?

J-Wha-- Where's what?

N-[gasping] [breathlessly] My EpiPen!

J-Oh sh*t!

J- Oh! Thank God you're not dead.

N- Where am I?

J-A hospital.

N-You took me to a vet?

J-Well, the real human hospital's 30 minutes away, and I didn't want to risk it. But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.

Dr-[breathing heavily] Hello. I'm Dr. Foye. Wow! You look a lot, uh, a lot better. Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh? 'Cause you were like... Whoo! You're gonna be fine. Stay as long as you like. Couple biscuits under the tree for you if vou like.

Idoor closes]

N-Thank you.

J-Thanks, Doc.

J-So, you met the real lag tonight, huh?

N-Mm-hmm.

J-Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work? This is not LA, and Tag is not an LA guy. Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're all the same. If you want him to notice you, do something different.

N-Oh. he noticed me tonight.

J-Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chuckv. I doubt he'll recognize you.

N-I don't know anything about this guy.

J-But I do. Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade, I have been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.

N-So what?

J-So, | know Tag better than he knows himself. Jo- I can help you get him.

N-Why would you do that?

J-Well, maybe if I'm helping you with something, maybe you can do something for me in return.

N- I am not having sex with you

J-No! That's not what I'm saying at all.I was thinking maybe you can,um, pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.

N-Um.

J-Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight when they thought you were my girlfriend?

N-Okay, you're crazy.

J-Being seen with you? That would be a huge win. I mean, you know, look at you. All I'm asking for is a week. Then we'll stage a breakup, and you'll be free from me forever.

N-You're gonna set me up with Tag?

J-Yes! You guys will be in love by New Year's. Have a baby by next Thanksgiving. By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.

J-Well, welcome to my crib. This is where the magic happens. That's just something people say. Not a lot of magic has happened at all. Uh..... but got a mint-tridge with all kinds of soda. There's laundry, bathroom, foosball table if you want to play.

N-[insincerely] Oh. I ove what you've done with the place.

J-Well, it's still, you know, it's pretty much temporary. My apartment is still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, SO. Well, good night. Just make yourself comfortable.

N-[clears throat, chuckles] Uh. No. You, on the floor Now.

J-This is the only Tempur-Pedic in the house, and I have a bad back.

N-I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete paralysis. We ain't sharin.

J-What if we put pillows in the middle?

N-No.

J-Okay. What if we do like head to toe?

N-Mm. It's always gonna be no. So, yeah. We should próbably address the, uh, catfish in the room. You do realize that at some point, you were going to have to meet me. J

-Well, I didn't set out to catfish you. It just kind of happened.

N-It kind of happened?

J-I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got. Three. And one of them was my old English teacher. She's 70 now, and she has a pacemaker. Having sex with her would literally kill her. So just as an experiment, I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy and see what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes. So, apparently, there's plenty of girls out there. They just didn't want to date me

N-Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now? There are no words for what you did.

J-Well, I would

N-No words! But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.

J- Okay

[Barb] And your had to write the words on your hand.

[Josh laughing]

Jm- He keeps taking his glove off. His hands are freezing. ... I... I thought your finger was gonna fall off Jm-Natalie, oh! Come on in, come on. Join ts for breakfast. We just sat down.

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