Love Punch Page #4

- What's got into you?

- I don't know.

Paris, retirement,

spending time with you,

having our money stolen.

That'll do it.

This is nice, right?

Yeah.

Michaela, er...

Just a sec... just one second.

Listen, Michaela, I can't talk

right now. Please understand.

It's OK, I'm just tired.

I'm gonna eat in my room.

Sh*t.

Guess who's getting married?

Ah! "Vincent Kruger and

fiance Manon Fontaine.

"Spotted off the coast of Cannes

as they prepare for their big day.

"The upcoming nuptials are

rumoured to be taking place...

"at the Krugers'

19th-century chteau

"located within the exclusive

enclave of Cap d'Antibes."

We've got to get ourselves

invited to that wedding.

Why? We hate weddings.

It's the only thing we agree on.

Look at her neck.

- Pretty.

- Mm-hmm. What's round it?

- Nice.

- Mmm, nice in the region of 10 million.

Oh, very nice.

I'm pretty sure...

in fact, I'm positive

that's the Eye of the Rainbow.

- I thought I recognised it on her yesterday.

- Ah, the Eye of the Rainbow.

Yes, that sold at Sotheby's recently,

fetching a record price for a single stone.

When did you become such

a diamond aficionado?

Since the kids left home.

Daytime TV.

It's a mine of useless information.

- And, in this case, life-changing information.

- Indeed.

I bet she's gonna be wearing

that rock at the wedding.

That rock is our pension.

That rock is Doreen's pension.

We should nick it.

What?

It's just taking back what he's

taken from us and all the others.

You want to steal a diamond?

Richard, he's not gonna

give us our money back.

Well, that doesn't mean we

suddenly become the Pink Panther.

Why not? Richard, we are screwed.

We have nothing, literally nothing.

Nothing to give the kids. It's

time to take back what's ours.

I'm sick of these fat, greedy, f***er billionaires

taking all our money, just ruining this country.

Well, not this country, actually, because

France has got great social services

and, my word, do they

run a good protest.

It's a stupid idea, Kate.

- Crazy, daft...

- All right, all right.

stupid but brilliant.

- Brilliant idea.

- Yeah?

Why the hell not? If not now,

when? What have we got to lose?

- Apart from our dignity and our freedom.

- Exactly.

- Either way, it's worth investigating.

- Definitely. Let's investigate.

Well, it looks like we're

heading to the south of France.

Ah, together! What a good idea.

Delightful. Isn't she beautiful?

- She is.

- Shut up.

Yes, yes. Yes, I understand.

What do you mean,

they won't take it?

Cut it up?

Well, that's end of the credit

cards. Gone, kaput.

- Who are you texting? You're like a teenager.

- No one.

- She's gorgeous.

- Not my type.

Oh, right, yeah. Legs up to the

ceiling and arse as tight as a plum.

Of course she isn't.

Once maybe, but not anymore.

I like things a bit more... homely.

If that was an attempt to flatter

me, you can piss right off.

Look, the legs aren't nearly

as good in real life.

They've clearly been airbrushed.

- Steady. Handbrake off.

- I've got it.

It's off.

You've got it now.

OK. Where's she going?

Just try and look like a tourist.

- Check it out?

- Yeah.

Blimey!

You should go in there.

- Go and check the place out.

- I can't go in there.

Go on, go on.

Julie.

Laura.

And who are you?

Oh, moi? Er... me,

I'm Miriam from... Weymouth.

I'm your cousin...

well, second cousin,

twice removed, on your husband's

side, future husband.

All right. You're with them.

She's got that demon eyes

Wants a little something

from a special guy

It's there right in her eyes

You know she's not pretending,

she could tell no lies...

Oh! Brilliant!

Hoping he would take

her body to the sky

Love makes her start to fly

She feels a little sweeter

like an apple pie...

Ow!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That she is paralysed

By the divas hangin'

over compromise

Oh, love me, oh-oh-oh,

just love me, oh-oh-oh

Just hold me, oh-oh-oh,

just kiss me, oh-oh-oh

Just want me, L-O-V-E,

love, love, love, love

Don't try to run away...

Yeah.

Ah, it's going to be

the best wedding ever.

Ah, the champion!

Could I have a Martini, please?

A really big one. Thank you.

No, I don't know. I think I'm

making a terrible mistake.

- No!

- You're not, sweetie.

He's only using our wedding

as a business meeting.

He's got two Texans and

their wives coming.

We've never met them before and he

wants me to make sure they are OK.

Well, that's not right.

And he's putting them

up at The Carlton.

Lovely! The Carlton!

Hey, what do you think?

You're old. You must

have been married once.

Er... yes. Merci.

Old, old me. Er... what do I think?

Er...

I think that liking them is much more

important than loving them, actually.

Love is easy to fall into.

Liking is much harder.

Think of your wedding

as a driving test.

You take it, you pass, and then you

really start to learn how to drive.

Or you crash.

What about that diamond he

bought you? You like that.

- Yeah!

- Are you going to wear it at the wedding?

Not for the ceremony.

I'll change halfway through

the party and put it on then.

Hey, come on, girls, let's para!

I like you. You're honest.

I don't have girlfriends like that.

Good.

So come on, come with me.

This is so much fun!

Love me, oh-oh-oh,

just love me...

I'm gonna kill you, Richard!

Just hold me, oh-oh-oh,

just kiss me, oh-oh-oh

Just want me, L-O-V-E

So shoot me. I nodded off.

It happens at my age.

And you were snoring.

Another unfortunate effect of age.

Look, can we just stop niggling

and tell me what you found out?

I found out that I

chafe very easily.

- Oh, my poor girl. I'm so sorry.

- Get off.

And the Wedding's

obviously invite only.

But she is definitely gonna

be wearing the diamond.

She's gonna change halfway

through the evening.

That sounds good. Anything else?

Not really, just that she's

pissed off with the evil one

for inviting a couple of Texan

businessmen they've never met before.

Of course she's pissed off. She'll

end up looking after their wives.

And she's right, it's

bang out of order.

She didn't happen to mention

where they might be staying?

'So what are we

stumbling into today?'

The Carlton Hotel, Cannes.

Their guest list.

We're looking for four guests

with home addresses in Texas.

'Dad, that is so illegal.'

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, son.

I wouldn't ask unless it was really...

'Dad, I'm only kidding. We do

that sort of sh*t all the time,

'messing with people's reservations,

putting people in the same room.'

- Not good, Matt.

- No, no.

'Hold on.'

- Do you think his eyes looked a bit red-rimmed?

- Just a little.

- Oh, he's not, is he?

- Yep.

- Tyler!

- Tyer! Oi!

Tyler! Tyler! Hello!

- 'Hello.'

- 'Hello.'

You've got to be kidding me!

You guys, again.

Nice to see you, Tyler.

'OK, we've got one Mr and Mrs

Hicks of Houston, Texas.

'They're assigned

to the Monet suite.

'And one Mr and Mrs Baxter. They're

across the hall in the Manet suite.

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