Love Punch Page #5

'Anyway, guys, I've got to go.

But the south of France?

'I am loving my new glam parents.

'See you later.'

- OK, so let me just get this straight.

- Hmm.

We are going to kidnap four

Texans, pretend to be them,

go to a wedding in a chteau,

somehow swap out the necklace,

and make our escape?

I know, it sounds absurd.

- Absurd, yes. Crazy, daft, stupid.

- All right, all right.

But brilliant.

- Yeah?

- One small problem.

There are four Texans

and we are but two.

Ah.

Too many women

and not enough time

I'm a cool cat but

I'm on life nine

Gonna let that light shine,

ballin' for a lifetime

Smokin' on that nice pine,

wheezy baby flight flyin'

You can call him your

husband, call me at night time

And even though women change,

I will always like dimes

And, yeah, I'm quite fine,

but Shorty much finer

And I just get behind her

and smack it like E Honda

And please don't hate on me

when you see me with Kiana

Cos she wilder than Nirvana

- This is it.

- That's not ours.

- It is ours.

- It's not ours.

- Look, it is.

- Oh, sh*t, it is.

- Mind your back.

- It's all right, I've got it. Ow!

- There, there, there!

- Hey-hey-hey-hey!

- Hello, old son!

- Welcome, welcome.

- Good to see you, mate!

- Good to see you.

I cannot tell you how happy we

are to see you back together.

- Well, Pen...

- Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

And I don't mind telling you, it's

been an absolute nightmare for us,

having to choose between you.

Damn shame, the whole

bloody business.

Anyway, thrilled to be here,

glad to help. What are we doing?

Well...

- Kidnap? Stealing a diamond?

- Gatecrashing a wedding?

- Can we have... a moment?

- It's a lot to take in.

Talk about it. Go ahead.

I've got your bag.

What do you think?

- He's in. She's not.

- Probably.

Well... all right, we're in.

- Spot of lunch first?

- Yes!

Right. Everyone clear on the plan?

I tell you, I haven't been

this pumped since Shanghai.

Shanghai?

Yeah, you know, when I was

in the Merchant Navy?

- Merchant Navy?

- Woman in every port, eh, Jerry?

That sort of thing, yeah. It's

only a bit of boys' banter, Pen.

Pen, are you sure

these are gonna work?

Yes, three of those and

they'll be out like a baby.

- Five minutes tops.

- I can vouch for that.

- Who prescribes them for you?

- That lovely young Dr Jenkins.

Oh, yes. I've heard he's lovely.

Yes, terribly helpful.

And the warmest hands.

Excuse me?

How will we know who they are?

Well, I think we'll know.

Let's do this.

Breakin' rocks in the hot sun

I fought the law and the law...

- Sorry, I'm dying for a pee.

- Of course.

Actually, I might go as well.

You know what?

I need one too, actually.

Well, it's never good to ignore it.

Breakin' rocks...

Bienvenus.

I fought the law and the law won

I needed money cos I had none

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won

I left my baby and

it feels so bad

I guess my race is run

She's the best

girl that I ever had

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the...

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the...

- That was incredible!

- We were incredible!

Oh, God, I hope we didn't

tie their hands too tightly.

Oh, do you think?

That was insane. I haven't had

this much fun since I was in Guam.

Guam?

I was stationed there

during my military service.

Oh, God!

Jerry! That's stealing!

Pen, Pen, Pen. This is real.

This is happening.

We either step up

or we get crushed.

- Silly man. Stop showing off.

- Right.

Let's pick up the replica necklace, back

to the hotel, cocktails and supper.

Yee-ha! Ride 'em, cowboy.

Jerry, how on earth did you

know where to find someone

who could make a replica necklace?

Well, you know...

I have my contacts.

Contacts? No, Jerry we don't.

Well, if you must know, I once had

a brief, er... affair of the heart

with a young jewellery designer.

Affair of the heart with a

young jewellery designer!

Calm down, Pen. It's all right.

Yeah, don't worry, Pen. It's all

in the past, all forgotten.

This is the basic

layout of the chteau.

Do you know where all

the guards might be?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yes.

- No Jerry?

- No.

Rushed off while I

was having a bath.

Said he had to meet a man about

something. Very odd, the whole thing.

Anyway, don't let him spoil this.

This is lovely, seeing the two

of you being back together.

Sorry, everyone. Got held up.

Quick little mission.

I was just saying this is lovely and it's

lovely to see our friends back together.

- Pen, can we get back to the plan?

- Absolument. Pardon.

Now, this is where the guests

will be making their entrance.

And we will be required to

show our invitations here.

Now, you are going to be the

Baxters and we will be the Hicks.

- And actually, Matt... Cheers.

- Cheers, everyone.

Matt has done some

research into each couple.

- Hey! Your Matt?

- Our Matt.

- Such a bright boy.

- Thank you.

Not like our Tim, is he?

- That's disloyal, Jerry.

- Well, I was just being honest.

He's an academic disaster zone,

isn't he? Police tape all around him.

Jerry!

Now, we know that the bride will retire to

her bedroom at some point during the night

to change her frock and the new frock

will be accompanied by the diamond.

Now, hopefully, Richard and I will

have gained access through here.

We'll attempt to swap out the diamond,

delivering the real one into your arms, Jerry.

Now, you two will leave the party

early and if anything happens to us,

if we get caught, we're

just a disgruntled employee

and his pushy ex-wife

who've had their pensions

stolen and won't go away.

They'll find nothing on

us and they'll let us go.

- Right.

- Or they'll kill us.

Chop us up and throw us in the Med.

- Oh, God.

- Richard!

It's out there. It's a possibility.

Jerry, why do you keep winking at

Richard and patting your pocket?

What? What are you talking about?

Nothing. I'm not doing anything.

I know when you're lying.

Get off me, woman. Whey-hey!

What are you doing, woman?

- Hey! Ho-ho!

- God, he's got a gun!

What?

Don't advertise it to the

whole flipping restaurant!

Why have you got a gun and why

have you brought it to dinner?

- Are you crazy?

- Crazy? Me?

- Kate, Richard, talk to him.

- Jerry, actually, why have you got a gun?

It's a replica. Calm down. We just

thought it was a good idea, that's all.

It's a real one, actually. They

didn't have any replicas left.

- Bloody hell.

- We? So you're behind this brilliant plan?

Richard, have you led Jerry astray?

- What? No! It was his idea.

- Led me astray? I'm not a flipping child.

They were my contacts.

Jerry, where did you get this?

I demand to know!

Well, it's someone I

knew a long time ago.

I was passing through

France on my way to Guam.

How come I don't know anything about this?

I've been married to you for 35 years, Jerry.

- You've completely spoiled the whole evening.

- All right, love.

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