Love Punch Page #7

Miriam all your worries.

What's the matter?

I've made a terrible mistake.

He does not love me.

He never has and he never will.

I've sold myself to the devil.

- I'm a whore. I'm a devil's whore.

- No, no, you're not.

- No, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, you're not.

Of course you're not.

Yes, I am. I'm a terrible,

horrible, shallow person.

I am a fake. I am a fake.

No, don't say that about yourself.

From what I can tell, you're a highly original,

slightly highly strung, bright, imaginative girl.

- Really?

- Yes.

- You really think so?

- I do. I do. Really.

That is the nicest thing

anyone has ever said to me.

Oh, no! Oh, thank you.

Thank you, you're so nice.

No, I'm not, really.

Please excuse me.

I'll be right back. Sorry.

There, there, Manon.

Why are you crying?

- Me? Oh, it's the flowers. I'm, er... allergic.

- Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's all right.

- Oh.

No, no, no, Manon.

It's fine, really.

- No, don't do that.

- Bloody things! I don't like them anyway.

- What would you do?

- Me?

Yes. You're clearly a woman of the

world. What do you think of him?

- Your husband?

- Yes.

- Well, I mean, he's fine. He's...

- Fine?

Actually, I think

he's a bit callous.

I'm sorry, I think

you could do better.

I think he probably...

I think he probably treats you

like a piece of jewellery.

I think he probably

treats you badly.

That's not to say he can't change.

I mean, they can change. People do change.

But it's easy to say I love you while

you're rolling around on expensive sheets.

It's so much harder

when they need washing.

Look, I'm not who you think I am. I'm

sorry, I'm not Miriam from Weymouth.

I'm not even Katie from Texas.

I'm just Kate from Surrey.

And my ex-husband is lying on the

floor next to your bed, I'm afraid.

- He is?

- Yep.

Oh! Hello.

- Hi.

- And why are you crying?

The cats. But don't throw

them out the window.

- Oh, he's really handsome.

- I know. It's irritating.

- Not sure about the moustache.

- I agree.

The thing is, you see, your

husband stole something from us

and from a lot of other

very good people.

Something very valuable

to us:
our future.

And so we came here tonight to take

back what we feel is rightfully ours.

Oh. The diamond.

- It's not very imaginative, I grant you.

- Sorry, my back was killing me.

- Manon, open up. It's Vincent.

- Take it. I don't like it anyway.

Great. Here's the fake.

Manon!

What?

Why are you throwing

flowers out the window?

I'm allergic. Don't you

know anything about me?

You must take good care of this.

It's not a toy, it's very valuable.

More valuable than me?

Darling, there is nothing on earth that is

more valuable to me than me... than you!

You should know that.

And will you still love me even

when we are washing the sheets?

Ssh!

What are you doing?

I don't know. I thought

you were about to sneeze.

- Causing a distraction's supposed to stop it.

- That's hiccups.

Ah... yes.

I might sneeze again.

What are we doing?

We've got to get out of here.

Oh, OK.

- What, back the way we came?

- Yes!

- Oh! Sorry, old partner.

- Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, howdy.

Although not on the official schedule, my

new wife would like to say a few words.

A wise woman once told me that

you can love your husband

but you must also like him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I finally realised that...

I don't love Vincent

or even like him.

So Vincent, darling...

I want a divorce.

Stop! Stop! There's been

a travesty of justice.

Catch them!

Hey! Vive la rvolution!

Vive la rvolution!

Oh!

- Oh, my God, no!

- No, no.

- Sorry, sorry.

- Sorry.

Ooh! Ow!

I knew there was something

familiar about you.

Ooh!

Ow!

Oh, no! They're real.

OK, let's make this simple.

Where is the real diamond?

Bloody hell.

- Oh!

- Oh, that's a whole other level of pain.

Look, we're just a disgruntled employee and

his pushy wife who want back what's theirs.

- You didn't say ex-wife.

- No, I didn't, did I?

- Mmm...

- We should focus.

- Right.

- Have you ever heard of karma?

Perhaps you're being punished

for all the bad things

that you might have

done in your life.

It's just a thought.

Oh, no! That's just mean!

You're just being a bully now!

Be grateful, I don't hit women.

Now, tell me where my diamond is!

I swallowed it.

I sold the diamond.

What?

I swapped it and sold the real one.

Gave the money to charity,

an orphanage in Calcutta.

What? Why?

A test, to see if you

really loved me.

You're crazy. I'll

deal with you later.

Get rid of them.

Oh, no.

OK, er...

If I'd known, I'd have

worn better underwear.

I don't think it's your underwear

you should be worrying about, Pen.

- These things reveal everything.

- What do you mean?

- Yeah, every nook and cranny.

- Oh, God!

What are you looking at?

Damn cheek!

Oh, yes, that's, er... Saigon,

Vietnam, 1964.

Took a bit of shrapnel, yeah.

Bloody hell, they left some forceps

in there. Look, the clamp's in there.

- I didn't know that.

- You can go.

Bloody Vietnam.

- Take them to the cliff.

- Huh? The cliff?

Whisky? A last drink?

Not my tipple.

- I do hope they'll be all right, Jerry.

- I'm sure they'll be fine, love.

- Do you think?

- Yeah.

Stop whistling, Richard.

- Please, stop whistling. It drives me mad.

- Helps me relax, Kate.

Well, it doesn't help me relax.

It's driving me bloody mad.

OK, I'll stop. I've stopped

whistling now, OK?

We've stopped.

Yes.

- We're moving.

- Yes.

- Kate.

- What?

- I just wanted to say...

- What?

I just wanted to say, Kate,

that whatever happens...

- You're not trying to do a final speech, are you?

- No, not at all. Well, maybe a little.

It's just that...

- Shut up!

- All right, I will.

Oh!

- Oh!

- Oh!

Don't... move.

- Oh.

- Ohh!

- What's going on?

- We're going back. We're going back!

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh.

No, no, no, no.

I just wanted to say

I'm sorry, Kate.

What for?

For not being a good husband.

I'm sorry too, then.

For what?

For not letting you be one.

What do you mean?

- We were too young.

- Uh-huh.

It takes two, you know, to totally ruin

a marriage, and I played my part.

Oh, God!

Anyway, what does it

matter now? We're...

We're going to die!

- Richard!

- It's OK. I've got you. Hold on.

Kate, I think we should try again.

- Try what again?

- Me and you.

What are you talking

about, Richard?

I think we should finally sail round the

world, like we've always talked about.

I've had such a great

time these past few days.

Could you just concentrate?

Concentrate on holding on!

- Well, don't you feel anything, Kate?

- Yes, fear!

All right. OK.

Well, just think about it.

I like you, I really like you.

Come on, you f***er!

Come on!

- Are you OK?

- Manon!

- Manon!

- Oh! Oh, thank you. Thank you!

Oh, no, it is I who should be thanking

you for making me see things clearly.

Merci beaucoup.

We must go. Help me.

Here we go.

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