Lucky Numbers Page #4

- It's good, right?

Russ, um, forgive me. Just a second.

You call in a bomb scare,

they evacuate the building,

and shut down the broadcast.

Right, then the firemen will come...

and then the policemen will come,

so kind of a lame idea, you know?

All right. Jeez. It's just an idea.

It's a work in progress,

for God's sake.

Even a painter's got to

take the brushes and clean them.

- Whatever that means.

- Any better ideas, Smarty-pants?

Why can't i distract Bobby somehow,

the security guy?

And then you switch the balls.

- No, uh, lame. That's lame. What?

- No, that's brilliant.

- Yeah?

- It's so simple, it's brilliant.

In its simplicity, Russ.

Simplicity. That's...

- And moving on.

- Okay, moving on.

Moving on, i guess.

- Next most important thing, right?

- Uh-huh.

We need to find your beard?

What the hell's a "beard"?

You need someone to buy the ticket

and claim the winnings.

But it has to be someone

that you absolutely trust.

- One beard. Check.

- Time out, folks!

There's not a person

i would trust to do this thing.

Not a single person.

Ah! Oh, God!

Oh, God. Okay. All right.

I buy the ticket in disguise.

Okay? And this eliminates

all the outsiders.

That's the answer. That's it. Okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Now we're cooking with gas, huh?

I mean,

how would you disguise yourself?

What, as Charlie Chaplin?

As The Tramp or something?

[Laughing] Yeah, orno, Iike,

from The Wizard of Oz.

- The straw guy.

- The straw man.

Yeah, he could put hay

in his clothes and wear a hat.

- With a pom-pom on it?

- No one will know it's him.

- Ooh, it's clever.

- Nobody would everknow!

- No! Russ.

- It's Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz.

- Oh, okay.

- It's Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion,

it's the Tin Man, it's the dog,

it's the flying monkeys...

and it's the Scarecrow.

If you're gonna make fun of me,

get your facts straight.

Well, my apologies, sir. I am not

the cartoon aficionada that you are.

- It's not a cartoon, Crystal.

- So what?

- It's a movie.

- Who gives a sh*t?

- Children... Excuse me.

- [Arguing]

- It's a movie! For God's sake.

- Calm down. Calm down.

- Calm... Calm down.

- Sorry.

- Please?

- All right. Back to square one.

[ Chuckles ]

Let's go.

Hey, I know.

My cousin Walter could do it.

- Who?

- From Ohio.

He would be the perfect beard.

He's this totally straight guy.

He doesn 't even drink,

and besides, he hasa crush on me.

The minute

You walked in the joint

I could see you were

a man of distinction

A real big spender

- Good-looking, so refined

- Oh. Walter.

Say wouldn't you like to know

what's going on in my mind

- I got you balloons. We should go.

- Thankyou.

So let me get right to the point

I got you a room

at a lovely country inn.

I don't pop my cork

for every guy i see

Hey, big spender

Spend a little time with me

- Oh. It's so green and lush.

- [Russ] Oh! Lookat this room!

- [Russ] Oh, this is so great.

- Look at this TV, a closet.

- God, look at the painting.

And this clock with a little light.

It's so... It's so modern-day.

- [Crystal] Oh, shower curtain.

- Oh, Walter, look at this.

All-you-can-eat buffet.

Oh. Right up the block!

- [ Wheezing, Coughing ]

- And towels all prepared for you.

- How comfy. What do you think?

- Yeah, what do you think?

- [ Gasps ] Mold spores.

- What?

This room has a high content

of mold spores.

- My throat's closing up.

- Oh, jeez.

- [ Gasping, Wheezing ]

- Oh.

[ Wheezing Continues ]

- Are you all right, Walter?

- [ Wheezing ]

Mm. Tsk.

[ Exhaling, Gurgling ]

[ Wheezing ]

Oh, jeez.

- All clear.

- Thank God for modern medicine.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Walter, test the bed.

It's a combination of the heat

and moisture. That's what does it.

Yeah. Is it always this sticky

in Harrisburg in the winter?

Well, you know, it's...

it's a fluke, of course,

but it's not entirely uncommon, no.

- Uh-uh.

- W-Why's that?

Well, okay, well, historically,

weather has been unpredictable.

- Yeah, well, w-why's that?

- Why?

- [ Sniffling ]

- Well... Well, okay, you got...

Your, uh... you got your cold fronts

and you got...

your warm fronts, and then

you're talking barometric pressure.

- Well, without my gauges, i.. i..

- I love hotels.

Walter? Walter? Hey! Walter.

- Yeah?

- Are you clear on what we're doing?

How long will it be

be-before i get my money?

- Oh, well...

- Oh. Yeah, no.

Um, it's real simple, honey.

When we get our first payment,

you take your 20,000 right away.

- That's yours.

- Right. Tax-free.

- We want you to be happy.

- Oh.

Well, I could...

l could really use the money,

'cause m-m-my church

needs a new furnace.

- Oh, well, that is so refreshing.

- Yeah.

And I'm gonna use the rest

to open an adult bookstore.

Ah. Okay. Well, that's good.

That's good too. Yeah.

Do you masturbate, Russ?

Jeez. I've been so busy lately,

I barely polish my shoes.

- 'Cause i masturbate all the time.

- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Some people think it's a sin,

but God gave us the ability to

masturbate to protect us from sin.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I could... I could see that.

- Sure. Why not?

- I like sex.

- There's a lot of sex in the Bible.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm sure there's a Bible here.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, sure.

- S-So, we...

- We're a team, right?

- Yeah, yeah, a team!

- Yeah?

- Team. [ Chuckling ]

- [ Chuckling ]

- Ooh.

Yeah? Yeah?

- Oh, I've got one. Let me pick.

- No, no, no, no, no!

- Please, let me finish. Okay, 16.

- I wanna pick one.

Sixteen, okay? That's how old i was

when I first got laid.

- Really?

- Yeah. Okay.

Twenty-five. Okay, twenty-five.

My mother's birthday.

-January 25, 1912. All right.

- No, no. This...

No, the 25th

was my anniversary,

and I got divorced,

and I got screwed in that.

I didn't get a good settlement.

Seventy.

I had a '70 Camaro and got in that

accident and got a huge settlement.

- Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.

- Remember? That's right.

Um, I got some randomly

selected numbers, okay?

[Walter]

These are, Iike, completely random.

- Okay?

- Flick it. Make sure air gets...

Twenty-two, seventy.

Puncture. Then you inject

a little paint into the ball.

- You know, weigh them down.

- Sixteen.

Then weput a little glue

over the hole.

- Nine.

- [Russ] Isn 't this fun?

- Twenty-seven.

- [Russ] It's like summer camp.

It's like arts and crafts.

- Seven.

- [ Russ ] The six we don't inject.

- Those are gonna rise to the top.

- It's my birthday.

Get it? Okay.

Those are the winning numbers.

[Russ]

This is the concept of gravity.

Sweet, simple concept of gravity.

- Here we go. Go.

- Ready?

Yeah! Whoo!

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

- That's brilliant. Brilliant!

- All right. Go.

And she wasn 't gonna

sit around and wait

This guy was wise

to all of the lies

And he flies out the door

Easymoney

Will these warm temperatures

continue? This is Russ Richards.

Catch me tonight in

the Weather Center and find out.

Right here on Channe 16, WTPA.

Okay. Ready.

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