M*A*S*H Page #3

A Korean boy, not yet of military age, in green fatigue pants

and an off-white coat, appears promptly and heaps Duke and

Hawkeye's plates with food. Duke is hungry enough to turn

his whole attention to the meal, but Hawkeye is unable to

keep his eyes off Lieutenant Dish while eating. Thus neither

of them is aware of the attention they are getting from the

male officers' group, which includes HENRY, a couple of

medical captains named MURRHARDT and BANDINI; DAGO RED

(officially, Father John Patrick Mulcahy, red-haired Catholic

Chaplain of the area) and the PAINLESS POLE (Captain Walter

Zaldowski, Dental Officer), both in their thirties; and

CAPTAIN UGLY JOHN BLACK, an Australian anesthesiologist.

There is also curiosity about the newcomers from the unlisted

men's section, where we see among others RADAR; VOLLMER,

Henry's overweight Sargeant Major; CORPORAL JUDSON, young,

black and fresh from Mississippi; PRIVATE BOONE, who looks

too young and nervous to be in any man's army; and PFC

SEIDMAN, whose first trip out of New York has taken him

halfway around the world.

Henry, who alone has reason to be personally affronted by

Duke and Hawkeye's unmilitary behavior, gets up and crosses

to where they are sitting.

HENRY:

I'm Colonel Blake. You fellows just

passing through?

HAWKEYE:

Nope, we're assigned heah.

With which reminder we will abandon all indications of the

Maine accent.

DUKE:

Y'all were short a couple cutters

and we're what the Army sent.

HENRY:

Don't you know the first thing you're

supposed to do at a new post is

present yourself to the commanding

officer with your orders?

DUKE:

Reckon so, but we been boozing all

day and you work up an appetite.

HENRY:

(taking out orders

and handing Duke a

copy)

You're welcome to one of these,

whatever they are.

DUKE:

(finding his orders)

They give you copies to burn.

Henry scans both papers to find what he considers the most

important part. There is a RUMBLE OF ARTILLERY in the

distance.

HENRY:

Good. You've both been working close

to the front.

DUKE:

(listening to artillery)

Never this close.

HENRY:

They've hit us on Cherry Hill. I

just got word. We have our slack

periods but when the action starts,

you'll have more work in twelve hours

than a civilian surgeon does in a

week.

HAWKEYE:

Colonel Blake, have no fear. Hawkeye

and Duke are here.

DUKE:

(to Henry)

That's right, pal. You just sit up

front and sign the mail, and leave

the cutting to us.

HENRY:

I may need you to go to work

practically immediately. But meanwhile

perhaps you'd like to meet some of

your fellow officers.

DUKE:

Just one for a start.

HAWKEYE:

The blonde dish.

HENRY:

If you mean...

(looking toward

Lieutenant Dish)

She is a lieutenant in the Army

Nursing Corps, Captain.

HAWKEYE:

Okay, Lieutenant Dish. I guess she's

already... involved with somebody

here.

HENRY:

They've all tried. Nobody's got to

first base.

He is interrupted by the fact that Dish and Knocko have risen

from their table and are passing right by them on their way

to the door.

The Lieutenant has just as nice a walk as you would hope

for, and the men's eyes follow her till she is again out of

hearing distance.

HAWKEYE:

Why bother with first base? I'd go

right for the home run.

The Painless Pole and Dago Red have come over.

DAGO RED:

This the new talent, Henry?

HENRY:

Captain Pierce, Captain Forrest...

Father Mulcahy, the Catholic Chaplain

of the area, and Captain Waldowski,

our Dental Officer.

PAINLESS:

Better known as Painless Pole.

Murrhardt and Bandini come over and all ADLIB introductions

– asking each other their backgrounds, etc.

BANDINI:

We all call him Dago Red.

DUKE:

I'm Duke and he's Hawkeye.

PAINLESS:

Glad to know you. Drop in at my clinic

anytime you feel like playing a little

poker, or even if a tooth is bothering

you.

HAWKEYE:

Poker sounds great. When do you play?

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