Mac & Devin Go to High School Page #5

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That was very energetic.

Yeah buddy!

I'd like to welcome y'all to

the third annual Hemptethalon,

brought to you by yours truly.

Golf clap.

Golf clap.

Yes, Sir.

If you don't know,

you won't know,

you in the presence of

the two-time defending champion,

Knees Down.

I smoke weed for a living.

First event we gonna

do is called The Style.

Check this out.

Oooh, that sh*t weak.

[ unintelligible chatter ]

What you gonna do?

Eh.

Let me show you how we do it

on the Discovery Channel.

Let me show you something.

That's some motherfuckin'

planet,

look at- Did you see that?

You like that?

Hmm.

It's your turn.

Represent your side.

You better come with it

'cause the homey just...

represented real tough.

Is that a gun

from Modern Warfare?

Final round.

Let me go in and lock

this sh*t down,

'cause I got some sh*t that

I know y'all can't f*** with.

Check this out.

Oh, sh*t.

Is that- is that Casper?

Yes, Sir.

We got this covered.

Watch this.

You guys about

to lose right now.

You ain't ready!

She tooted and pooted.

Shotgun!

Shotgun!

I ain't here to blow

none of that sh*t.

You can have

that motherf***er.

And that, all of that sh*t.

Put that down here.

Oh, wow.

You did that, my nig.

You did that.

D-Street, man, I don't know

why we spendin' all this time

tryin' to find a-

a renewal energy source

when the greatest

renewable energy source

has already been created.

Yeah, well what's that?

P*ssy.

When you wake up in the morning,

what you think about?

P*ssy.

When you're makin' some money,

what you go out and spend it on?

P*ssy.

Well I know if we get

this catalytic ingredient,

you know what we gonna

be getting a lot of?

What?

P*ssy.

F***!

I think I know what you need.

I like your friend, Big Mac.

He's cute.

Lay back, baby.

Yo, Mac.

I feel crazy.

Hold this.

Shoot it up a little bit more.

Add a little more power

to the woo-wa.

So...

so what mixture is this?

This is that medicinal

mixed with the medical.

You know what I'm talking

about? That space-age sh*t.

Which one's the medicinal,

and which one's the medical?

Well, in a terminology that

most doctors can understand,

this right here is the medical.

And this right here

is the medicinal.

And that's what gives

it that superfragilistic,

you know, next level high.

You know, that other

extreme uh, uh, uh,

orbited, Saturn,

you know, Pluto...

Right.

I think it's me allowing myself

to become intergalactic

and with the planetary

pleasure principle

of the dedication

of the inauguration.

Also, about the segregation of

the cultivation of everything.

Right.

Like, I'm like,

you know,

I feel like I'm like

Captain Kirk, right?

And I feel like,

like Doctor Spock.

And this b*tch right here

is like Darth Vader.

F***in' b*tch.

Is that the b*tch

paging you again?

That's the b*tch, again, man.

This is what I want to do.

I want us to go to another

planet called Pimpatarium.

And once we go there,

hand me the telephone,

and let me tell you how

I would address the b*tch.

Oh, sh*t.

Hello.

Yeah, b*tch.

Where's my money, b*tch.

No, b*tch.

Hi, b*tch.

Bye, b*tch.

And in case you didn't get it,

let me text it to you b*tch.

Why can't I just say

stuff like that, man?

Hi, b*tch.

Bye, b*tch.

No, b*tch.

B*tch, b*tch, b*tch.

I just saved b*tch

in there as one button.

One touch.

B*tch.

[ knock on door ]

What the hell

is going on in here?

Oh my God, these aren't

real, are they?

How did you even find me,

anyway?

I tracked your phone

using the "Find Me" app.

Stalker.

Is this man holding

you against your will?

Have you been drugged?

Oh, you better believe it.

He drugged like a motherf***er.

I'm calling my daddy.

Yo!

Chill the f*** out.

I am warning you,

Devin Overstreet,

your very future

hangs in the balance!

You come with me right now.

I'll count to five.

One...

two, three, four, five.

Now get your punk ass out

of here before I break a b*tch.

I know, D-Street.

Puppy love.

That sh*t hurt.

Man, let's go get some b*tches.

Man, Mac,

where are you taking me?

You said you

wanted some, right?

Yeah, but,

not in no shady alley.

Can I help you?

Uh, can we speak

with mamasan?

Mamasan!

What you want?

I'm trying to get my boy hooked

up with some of that good, good.

Okay.

How much you have?

It depends on what he gets.

Oh, you- you just

talking about him?

What about for you?

Are you gay?

Look, baby, I love women.

I just don't pay for p*ssy.

I don't pay for p*ssy either.

What you mean you no pay

for the p*ssy?

Everybody pay for the p*ssy.

P*ssy make the world go round.

I got three-fifty on it.

Okay, what kind of girl

you like?

I'm not really sure.

Come, I just give you

white girl.

USDA approved, no MSG, okay?

Take care of him.

Go, go, go.

And you?

You pay for your friend,

the p*ssy?

But you no get

no p*ssy for you?

I give you what you like.

I break your ball

into eight pieces.

They let you smoke

on the job?

No.

That's a damn shame.

You know?

Now that's what

I'm talkin' about.

You know what

I'm sayin'?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got a confession though.

What's up?

That was my first time.

With a masseuse?

Nah, with a vagina.

Ashley's like saving herself

for marriage,

so I only get to f*** her

in the ass.

Nigga, what?

Yeah.

F*** that.

Let's celebrate.

Yeah.

I am running

a legitimate business.

Tough break, rook.

I guess that's what

you get for going out

for a little late night

beef jerky.

I got more than that.

Ah, that's good.

I'll keep that in mind

when I write up my report.

Hey, what's happening?

What y'all up in here for?

Weed.

Weed.

Weed? Nigga,

weed ain't even a case

four or five

of them motherfuckers.

They're gonna throw

that sh*t right on out.

Time to get straight.

Yeah.

So, which one of y'all I get

to f*** in the ass first?

Him.

Y'all need

to make up your mind,

'cause uh,

I got plenty of time.

Now D, man, now you need

to chill out, man.

Calm down.

Man, I am down.

Like rock bottom down.

I gave my virginity

to a stripper,

got thrown in jail.

Man, I ruined my life.

Well, technically you gave your

virginity to Ashley's a-piece.

Yeah, I might not

have been cool before,

but at least I had a future.

I ain't tryin'

to end up like you.

Fifteen years

of high school?

F*** that.

Overstreet?

Yeah.

You made bail.

So that's how it is?

I guess it's like that.

Nigga, you ain't f***in' sh*t.

Ain't that some sh*t!

Man, Mac just spent three

hundred and fifty dollars

gettin' this nigga

a fine piece of p*ssy,

and he gonna turn his back

on him just like that?

Man, this got me

f***ed up right now.

Come on, fellas,

tighten up, man. Damn.

[ bell rings ]

I know, you're sorry.

And yes, I forgive you.

Our future is still intact.

My dad has an old

fraternity brother

who golfs with the mayor

who called the D.A.

who agreed

to drop the charges.

Membership in Club Ashley

has its privileges.

Yeah, but what about Mac?

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