Magic Mike XXL Page #3

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Just don't hit me in the f***ing nuts.

Bam. Wow.

Are you kidding me? Stop being a p*ssy.

Everybody f***ing happy?

Stop being a p*ssy. Let's go.

No, man.

Don't you call me a f***ing

p*ssy, Christian Bale.

No. He didn't call you a p*ssy.

He... he just said you exhibited

p*ssy-like behavior.

Y'all want to unleash the f***ing tiger?

It's just the behavior of a p*ssy.

Is that what you want? Come on!

Release the demon!

Oh! Sh*t!

Tiger's out.

Are you okay, man?

You feel better?

No, man,

I don't f***ing feel better.

That was seriously f***ed up.

Okay.

Good.

You all right?

Yeah.

I just got to pee a little.

Everybody happy? You get

your f***ing gladiator show?

That was f***ing awesome.

No, it wasn't f***ing awesome,

man.

There are a lot better ways

to handle that sh*t.

It's our last f***ing ride.

I'm outta here.

You know, it's always

the pretty ones, like Bundy.

It is, man.

There you go. That's it.

That... that's perfect.

Yo.That's

protected land, sir!

You're destroying sea Turtle

biosphere with that urine.

Are you serious right now?

Come on.

Really? All right.

Well, don't look at me.

Look out into the ocean.

Got it. I got it.

Get the picture here?

I'm running out.

Yes. Thank you.

I'm done.

That's... that's it.

There we go.

That's... that's usually what

happens when I pee on the beach.

Yeah. Yeah.

Drag queens. That's, uh...

Ooh,

doing Drag Queen stuff.

You love Drag Queens.

Yep.

I am one,

so I seek out my people.

You are one? You are one?

Mm-hmm. On the inside.

Got it.

Mostly.

Of course

it's on the inside.

Yeah.

What's her name?

Dolly Titz.

Dolly Tits?

With a "z."

With a "z."

Mm-hmm.

Where is she from?

Here.

Okay.

And she loves couponing

and Nascar.

I got an inner Drag Queen, too.

Oh. Really?

Yeah.

Okay. I figured.

Uh, what's her name?

Her name is...

Clitoria Labia is her name.

That's actually not bad.

It's not bad at all.

She's... she's the main b*tch.

She's like Cheetara

and Grace Jones.

And they always sing

"Rapper's Delight"

everywhere they go.

So, you and your friends, um,

frequent drag shows, do you?

No.

Not... well, somet...

We just do it on the way up

to myrtle beach every year.

Right.

Oh, right.

This stripper convention

that I keep hearing about.

Yep.

It's the infamous convention.

Which one are you, then?

You, um...

Which what?

Are you Cop in a thong

or Iron Man in a thong?

I am... I am...

You're gonna have to pay

to see that.

That's what I am.

Or I'll just load up on all

those fantastic '80s hair bands

for my drive instead.

Where you going?

Where you headed?

Uh...

Just on the road again.

New York this time.

Okay.

Um, and I...

Basically, I'm just trying to

avoid ending up on the pole.

Like you.

But you never know.

"Stripper pissing on beach

in contemplative pose"

could sell for thousands

one day.

If that's true,

then I will whip it out

and start peeing on whatever

you tell me to pee on,

and we can just...

We can cash in.

Fantastic.

I love the Enthusiasm.

Save some of it, though,

because you and I are gonna

untie that sailboat over there

and organize a first-ever

cross-dressing search party

out to that island.

What do you say?

Uh...

Win or Die, stripper guy.

I-I say that, um...

I would actually love

to do that.

But I'd say I know what happens

on that island,

and I just... that's just...

Mm-hmm.

I think I'm gonna opt out.

Oh.

What happens on that island?

It's just I know what happens

for me on that island.

Oh, I see.

You think I'm gonna hook up

with you. Mm.

That's not at all what I said.

At all.

That's the farthest thing

from what I said.

'Cause I said I would want to go

to that island,

and then I know

what I would do

and then somehow that probably

wouldn't work out

on any level that I would

want it to work out on,

and then I think

that it's probably better

if I just go back.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, fret not, Casanova.

You're safe with me.

I'm not going through

a guy phase anyway.

Oh.

Well, in that case,

that makes things easier.

Yeah. 'Cause then

all the more reason

for me to probably just go do

the good-night thing.

Okay. Yeah.

It was nice to meet you, though,

Dolly Titz.

Back at you, Clitoria.

Good morning.

Good morning.

You sleep okay?

Yeah.

Actually, I did.

Mm-hmm.

My meditation was really clear

this morning, man.

I just... just feel like I got

a lot of the negativity out.

That's... that's good.

Yeah.

That's good.

I'm happy you feel lighter.

I'm happy you finally got

what you wanted, man.

Yeah?

I am.

No. I... we say sh*t

all the f***ing time,

but you went and did it,

man.

I'm jealous.

Oh... oh, shut the f*** up.

All right?

I'm f***ing jealous. I am.

No. If there's anybody

that was jealous, it was me.

What? Every time I would come

over to your apartment...

Remember?

I'd put on your tide commercial.

That sh*t was dope.

For that extra clean!

For that extra clean!

Ding!

Oh, sh*t.

I mean, Lookit.

I would...

I would think to myself,

"I'd be set if I could just get

to where Ken was."

Yeah, I'm real set here.

I'm real set.

My agent's got me doing

Youtube videos now, man.

So what are you gonna do

after this weekend?

Send my head shot around,

hope for the best.

There's a casting director comes

by the club sometimes, so...

I'm still pretty.

Yeah.

I know you're still pretty,

but look at these guys.

What are they gonna do

after this?

I don't know.

Morning, gorgeous.

Oh, my God,

did you guys even sleep?

Are the girls still here

or they leave?

Oh, they left about a...

About an hour ago.

Did you, uh,

did you bangee?

You bangee?

Show him the thing.

Wow.

That's... okay.

She said if I had reason to call

before it faded,

then maybe it was meant to be.

Oh.

That's... that's romantic.

They're staying in Charleston

tonight, so...

I don't know.

It's smack dab on our way.

Maybe it was meant to be.

Yeah, man.

Good work on that,

by the way.

What about you?

Did you bangee?

No.

No?

I haven't had actual sex

in almost five months.

Every time a chick gets...

A look at it,

she's like, "how about

a blow job or hand job?"

Well...

Just got to find

the right lady, man.

That's unfortunate for you.

It's like a blessing and a curse

at the same time, huh?

Laugh at my plight.

Look, m-maybe it's like

the glass slipper, man.

You just need to find

the right one.

Dude, I'm 35 years old,

okay?

If it hasn't happened already,

it ain't gonna happen.

Let's face it,

I'm probably f***ed.

Oh.

All right.

On that note, uh, let's get

this circus back on the road.

Who wants to see if Tarzan died

in his sleep last night?

F*** that, man.

I woke him up last time.

I'll do it.

I got it.

I'll clean up

the nonbiodegradables.

What's up, bro?

A little, uh,

breakfast of champions?

Molly?

Yeah.

You realize we'll be useless

in an hour.

What are you, f***ing 12, dude?

Just take it.

Oh, f***!

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