Mamaboy Page #4

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Shh. Ok?

It's perfect, all right?

I'll have no problem

hiding 10 pounds.

No one will suspect a thing.

And then when school lets out

for the summer, I'll have it.

Do you have any

idea how difficult

it is to carry a baby?

Hey, I'm a guy.

I can handle it, all right?

How hard could it be?

You really have no clue, do you?

So what do you think?

I think it's the strangest

thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

Strange or not,

it's our best plan.

This doesn't look

like a doctor's office.

Where are all of his diplomas?

Dr. Theus and

his assistant are

highly trained, respected,

dedicated professionals.

Dr. Theus, I'd like

you to meet Lisa.

Oh.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet

the mate of the

man who will mother

the child that you conceived.

And his assistant, Dr. Moore...

Gue.

Dr. morgue.

Lisa.

Charmed, I'm sure.

So if we are ready, we

can begin the procedure.

Just one question.

You have performed this

procedure before, right?

Uh, yeah.

Of course, yes.

In... in fact... in

fact, Adam will be

watching the entire procedure.

Adam?

Adam.

Yes, Adam, my first

transplant experiment.

A monkey?

Experiment. No.

- No, no, i...

- Mellow out, babe.

All right?

This will be a piece of cake.

Ditto!

Do I, um, still get

to apply the anesthesia?

Hey.

You ok in there?

Can you hear me?

Now look who's back.

How you doing?

- Lisa?

- Oh, no.

- Lisa's doin' fine.

- Yeah?

The procedure went perfectly,

and now, we just have to wait.

So you get some rest.

Good.

Class, what you have before you

are frogs that you

will be dissecting.

All the materials that you

need should be on your desk.

The whole thing

went as slick as snot.

I was the main man, of course.

But your uncle did do his part.

Yeah.

I don't... I don't even

feel any different.

Oh, take it from me.

You are, in a family way.

Yeah.

This is a breeze.

I mean, to think,

women have complained

- about this for centuries now.

- All right, class.

We're ready to begin dissecting

the anatomy of a frog.

It's all a big gimmick.

You think?

Absolutely.

Girls have been lying

to guys since Eve

told them Adam that there

was no worm in that apple.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

The first point

of order is to slice

open the abdominal cavity.

You are gonna blow the lid off

of this whole pregnancy scam.

Liberate mankind.

Herald the truth.

You're just wasting

your money with that test.

After all, I am an

experienced professional.

I hate to burst

your bubble, ditto,

but you're only a high school

student who's flunking biology.

I mean, a lot of people get

sick of the sight of blood.

Frog blood?

Yeah, frog blood.

Just give me a few more minutes,

and I'll let you know for sure.

I am so sure, I already

got you a baby present.

What is it?

A baby.

What?

You know, one of

those pooping, wetting,

wah, wah, wah baby dolls?

You'll need the practice, bro.

And from the looks

of things, you

might be in for a rough ride.

What do you mean?

I mean, morning sickness,

muscle cramps, swollen feet,

backaches, mood swings,

breakouts of acne,

and tender nipples.

It says here that the breasts

might increase in size.

You don't suppose I'm going

to like, grow, you know?

I don't know.

But promise me one thing.

- No.

- If you do...

- Don't even go there.

- You'll let me touch them.

Seriously, ditto?

Is that too much to ask

from your best friend?

If I had some, I'd let

you slap them around.

You're hopeless.

Ok.

Well, what about, uh, breathing?

It says here you got

to know how to breathe.

Well, I've been doing

it all my life, so.

Not like this, you haven't.

Come over here and

lay on your back.

Ok.

Put one pillow under your head...

All right.

And one under your knees.

All right.

Stage one is deep

chest breathing.

So in and out.

In, And out.

Magnificent, bro.

You got it.

- Ok.

- Nothing to it.

Yeah, stage two is

accelerated shallow breathing.

Ok.

It's in through the nose,

out through the mouth.

Yeah, ok.

Just like that, just like that.

Ready?

Stage three.

Pant like a dog.

No, no, no.

Faster like this, like...

Oh, candy.

Oh, oh, candy.

Oh, candy, I want to kiss you.

Ok. You ready?

Stage four.

Stage four?

Delivery breathing.

Ow.

Push!

Come on.

Keep blowing out. Push.

Whoa, your dilated. Oh.

What am I pushing?

I don't know. Ok.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Nurse.

Oh, you're dilated.

10 centimeters.

Oh, you're so strong.

You're so strong.

Ew.

He's crowning.

Come on.

Ok. Ok. Ok.

We did it. You can rest.

Not bad.

All right. It's time.

Clear means negative.

Blue means all my

problems are solved.

I'm a mother!

Aw, gross.

She looks like she

ate a bowling ball.

That's because

there's a baby in there.

She ate a baby?

No. She's gonna give

birth to a baby.

What are those weird

lines on her stomach?

Those are stretchmarks.

When the baby grows,

she gets stretched out.

Why are you looking at

this stupid stuff anyway?

Why don't you go stick

your head in the lawn mower?

Cost you $1.

That's a bargain,

but I don't have it.

I'll put it on your tab.

You got a minute?

Sure. Come on in.

What are you studying?

Just some biology.

Biology, huh?

I was never very

good in biology.

Never very good in

school in general.

Maybe that's why I'm

so proud of you, son.

Certainly can't

take credit for it,

but you are one special kid.

An a student, star pitcher.

You never get in any trouble,

and you've never caused

me to lose a night's sleep.

I'm just thankful you're my boy.

Well, I try my best.

I know you do, son.

But all work, no play.

What do you mean?

What I mean is...

Well, in my senior

year, it was the most

memorable year of my life.

You could expect the

unexpected from me.

Son, just don't get bogged down

with the pressures of school.

Live a little.

Be unique.

Do something a little crazy.

In my year, I

swallowed 13 goldfish.

School record.

You might not want to do

something that extreme.

Of course, you

couldn't cause half

the stir that your old man did.

By the way, I talked

to your uncle Theus.

You did?

Yeah.

He said you two are doing

some secret science project.

He did?

Yeah.

That's my boy.

Mr. conservative.

Well, it could have been a sea

that kept you in your shell.

It could have been a devil

that made your life hell.

It could have been...

Well, it could have been a

candle I just burned too quick.

It could have been a stranger

taking treats for tricks.

It could have been

dangle the day on a string.

Well, it could have been summer,

could have been spring.

Could have been...

Well, it could have been

any number of things.

But everybody knows it was me.

Well, it could have been...

That blew your mind.

It could have been a timeshare

that stole your time.

It could have been an accident

waiting to take control.

Well, it could have been

a singer that just wanted a hit.

It could have been a swinger

that swung and missed.

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