Mamaboy Page #5

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It could have been

a whether or not you stay or go.

Well, it could have been far.

It could have been,

are you gonna pay for it all?

Well, it could have been

any number of things.

But everybody knows it was me.

It was me.

It was me.

It was me.

It was you.

Whoo, you.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't lover boy.

Please, bronco.

I gotta go real bad.

Oh, you'll go

right, to the hospital

if I ever catch you putting your

dirty hands on my girl again.

Please, just...

Just step aside.

What was that?

Step outside?

You want to step outside

with me, do you loser boy?

Ow.

Not the nipples.

- It hurts.

- Come on.

Hit me with your best shot.

Pour it on me.

Why you little...

Do I detect the odoriferous

presence of smoking tobacco?

Uh, no sir.

I don't smell a thing.

Me and the boys were just

talking about what a smoggy day

it was, right, boys?

- Absolutely.

- That's right.

Yes.

So smoggy, in

fact, that there is

a substantial haze

curiously culminating right

here in the boys' bathroom.

Yes, sir.

Very curious indeed, sir.

Uh.

Well, we better be get going.

I don't want to miss any of

my algebra lessons, you know.

Nice seeing you again,

principal Miller.

Mm. The pleasure's

all mine, boys.

Kelly Hankins.

Just the person I wanted to see.

I am?

Yes. Yes, my boy.

It has come to my

attention lately

that your school work has

suffered a serious regression.

Well, my grades

have dipped a little.

Dipped?

Boy, they've crashed harder

than a bull rider's bottom.

I'm sorry, sir.

Kelly, in a class full

of chronic under-achievers,

you have always been

the one bright spot.

The only honor student among

a multitude of mental pygmys.

Confide in me.

Tell me, what's wrong?

Nothing, sir.

A social problem, perhaps?

You know, quite often,

such a dramatic reversal

is the result of a

lack of self-esteem,

the perception that

there's something abnormal,

that you don't quite fit in.

You're not suicidal, are you?

No, sir.

Well, see to it that you're not.

I would hate to have

my school tarnished

by your thoughtless act.

Still, I have this intuition

that there's something

peculiar you're hiding from me.

I can't quite put

my finger on it,

but rest assured,

sooner or later, you

will not be able to hold

it inside you any longer,

and it will burst out of you.

I'm sure it will, sir.

May I go back to class now?

You're dismissed.

180, that's 35...

35 pounds in six months?

I mean, I was only

supposed to gain 10

pounds the whole nine months.

Stop gorging, you Oinker.

Cut down on the chow or else.

Oh!

What the?

Oh!

He kicked.

Hey, can you hear me in there?

Listen, that's quite

a kick you got there.

I mean, you could

make all state.

What if you're a girl?

You can still make all-state.

People may laugh

and point at you.

Trust me, I know.

You might feel

scared or deserted.

But I'll always

be there for you.

I wouldn't do this

for just anyone.

You're special.

If want to sock me one

day because of all this,

I understand.

I just want to meet you.

I promise I'll do anything

to make that happen.

By the way, forget that crack

about cutting down on the chow.

You're gonna need all your

strength to play football.

Yeah.

It was disgusting.

Who would do that?

I have no idea.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at this.

Have you ever seen a

more pitiful sight?

He's gone from hot to so not.

From cool to fool.

From super

athletic to Mr. pathetic.

Well, Lisa?

Oh, from hunk to junk.

Nice.

Freakazoid warning

at 12 o'clock.

Let's get out of here

before he contaminates us.

Pure awesomeness.

This one's going viral.

Hey, wait.

Hey, stranger.

I haven't seen

much of you lately.

Speaking of stranger,

that's what you're becoming

more and more of every day.

What do you mean?

I mean, everyone

is talking about you.

What happened to only

gaining 10 pounds?

You've become the joke

of the entire school.

I don't care what

everyone else thinks.

What do you think?

I don't know, Kelly.

Part of me thinks you're this

special guy for doing this,

but part of me says,

stay clear, danger zone.

Stay clear?

Danger, really?

You're right about one thing, Lisa.

I am a special guy.

I risked it all for you, and

I'll do the same for our baby,

with or without you.

The decision's yours.

That's it.

Get those legs up.

Keep it going.

All right.

All right.

We're gonna do some toe touches.

All right.

One, two, three.

All right.

That's it.

That's a great class.

I'll... I'll see you next month.

You know, I don't know.

I just don't have the

motivation to work out anymore.

Yeah. You and about a

hundred other people.

Face it, Ace.

You've lost it, that

spring in your step,

the fantastic frame,

the pulsating pelvis.

Gone.

That's not all I've lost.

Lisa and I broke up.

Oh no.

Another abandoned

teenage mother.

Just another sad statistic

in this depraved society.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, ditto.

I'm just so confused.

I... I don't know who I

am or even what I am.

I know exactly how you feel.

When I started this thing, it...

It all felt so right.

I mean, nothing else

in the world mattered.

Then when Lisa broke

up with me, it just...

I don't know if I

can continue on.

Hey, cheer up, guy.

It's always darkest

before the dawn.

At least it can't

get much worse, huh?

I got fired.

I got fired.

Important information for you.

Before you play

baseball, there's

one thing you must

do before you're

gonna be eligible to play.

And that's a physical.

We have a great nurse.

She's a new nurse.

Her name is Zelda.

Really knows her medicine.

But once you pass

the physical, yay,

you're ready to be a bloodhound.

You know?

It's just part of the game.

Just part of the game,

part of the process.

So I'd like for you all

to take a deep breath.

Everybody.

Ok. Now get up on your

feet, and exit this way

through the medical building.

Go ahead.

Atta boy.

Way to go, guys.

Way to go.

Please answer

following questions

to best of your knowledge.

- Age?

- 18.

- Height?

- 5 foot 8.

- Weight?

- A little over 160.

Must we weigh

you on scale naked?

187.4 pounds, exactly.

Have you been experiencing

any of following?

Unusual aches, pains,

sudden weight gain,

coordination

difficulties, nausea,

incontinence, breathing

irregularities,

emotional distress?

No!

All right.

Remove shirt.

I... I'm a little shy.

Hot damn!

That is biggest one of

those I've ever seen.

Do you want me to

put my shirt back on?

No, no, no.

No.

I am professional after all.

Where should we put this?

Ok.

That is strange.

I think I hear two heartbeats.

That's because, um,

my heart beats twice

as fast when I'm around you.

Well, you are a

sweet talker, you.

Yes.

You know, I could be charmed

into becoming cougar

for you, little lion cub.

You're out of my league.

Well, you'll let me know

when you graduate to the majors.

Gas.

Do you want my

professional medical opinion?

I guess?

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