Mamaboy Page #6

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My professional opinion is

you're pregnant.

Pregnant.

You know, boo,

The look on your face.

To think that I quit

being a stand-up comedian

to become nurse.

Yes.

Hey, candy.

Thanks for coming

to support the team.

I came to support my

knight in shining armor.

Thanks.

I... I appreciate it.

You seem down.

I just... I haven't

really been myself lately.

Well, I've got a

little surprise for you,

something to help you

warm up before the game.

What's that?

A knight always carries a

piece of his damsel's clothing

into battle.

Would you do that for me?

I guess so.

What are you...

How's that for inspiration?

Um, i... I got to go.

Ok?

Batter up.

Play ball.

Let's go.

Batter up.

Whoo.

Your glory days are now a haze.

Your feet just fall behind you.

You're trying to recapture

that old thrill.

When you trip and fall

and drop the ball,

it's suddenly a reminder.

The spirit's strong

but your body's gone downhill.

Now you're awake,

but it seems you've only been

a legend in your dreams.

And talent really never

got you very far.

'Cause you can't hit,

field, or throw.

But if there was one thing

you should know,

you're just a washed-up,

broke-down subpar superstar.

You know you are,

subpar superstar.

- Time.

- Time out.

This clown's crowding the plate.

Give him the brush-back pitch.

Better suck it up.

This one's coming

down the inside.

Take your base.

Hey! Hey! He threw at him.

Hey! Hey!

You ordered a beat ball.

I should have ordered a pizza.

When you talk to my

team, talk with respect.

That's not a Butterhill hound.

That's a hippo.

That's a hippo?

You really think that's a hippo?

You don't know what's.

Knock it off.

Play ball.

But miracles are rare

and that's the truth.

Now you've fallen to the curse.

It's so sad

you're getting worse.

Father time made you

just the way you are.

Well, it's time for you to quit.

You've got to give it up.

You've got to admit.

You're just a washed-up,

broke-down subpar superstar.

Come on!

Come on!

You're out.

You're out.

You're out too.

That was the worst

exhibition of sissy ball

I have ever witnessed.

Cowell, what kind

of a tag is that?

Arnelli?

My mother can field

better than you.

And Hankins.

Hankins, there are no words

to describe your performance.

I came to school, and they told

me to expect something big.

But I didn't expect

it to be your stomach.

Good lord, man, you

throw like a girl.

Have you looked in

the mirror lately?

You're starting to grow

female accessories.

You, up, now.

Are you wearing these now?

Where did you get it?

No, sir.

I'm not.

Well, I'm a good coach.

I'm gonna give them back to you.

Have a seat.

Sure. Thank you.

Well, you're going to pay.

Every one of you

is going to pay.

There is no Mr. nice guy.

This honeymoon is over.

I want a divorce.

Where is your bloodhound pride?

I want everybody

to hit the showers

and wash that miserable

performance off your bodies.

Hankins, I want you to get down

here and give me 20 push-ups.

That'll keep you

busy for two hours.

Right here.

No, right here.

Right here.

There you go, buddy.

Ok.

Go.

Right now.

Up, up, up, up, go.

Shower time.

Go.

Go, run!

Oh, I love baseball.

How the mighty have fallen.

Go away, Milton.

Or what?

You're gonna jump

up and run me down?

Hm? I think not.

I've watched you run and jump

today, and oh, it's pitiful.

Simply pitiful.

What's going on with you anyway?

Come on.

You can tell me.

We've been buds

since kindergarten.

Buds?

I think not.

All right.

Be that way.

But uh, the nose knows

something is going on,

and I will be your

worst nightmare.

196?

I don't believe this.

Stretch marks.

Stretch marks!

Jimmy, quiet.

You're going to have a baby.

Jimmy, no.

Get off my face.

You're killing me.

I can't breathe.

Then keep quiet.

Ok, ok.

I saw it in your book.

You're going to have a baby.

It's not what you think.

I, uh, I ate a bowling ball.

- What?

- No, no.

It was, uh, it was

a science project,

and they pumped my

stomach full of air.

You know, like a balloon? See?

It's just that mom and

dad can't know, all right?

It's secret, you understand?

All I understand is cash.

And boy, this is gonna

take plenty of it.

I'm broke.

What do you want from me?

I mean, give me a break.

I'll do anything.

Anything you want.

I want collateral.

Take my goldfish.

I don't want your goldfish.

Then what?

I want your car.

- What?

- You heard me.

I want your car.

It's the only thing you own

that's worth a nickel to me.

I want to hold onto it

until you pay off your debt.

But that's blackmail.

I mean, you can't make me

pay ransom on my own car.

I'll wring your

neck, you little...

- Mom, dad.

- Shh, shh, shh.

I can, and I will.

Keys, please.

How am I supposed to get around?

Maintain my image?

Come on, where's

your brotherly love?

Yeah, a guy's

lost without wheels.

Don't worry, bro.

I won't leave you hanging.

I got...

I got it. I got it.

Listen, dude,

this ain't working.

Do you want me to

cut the spin out?

It's not the spin

that needs to be cut.

It's the spinner.

What are you saying?

Are you going to cut me

out of the band I started?

Well, like, it's just this year,

we have a good shot

of playing the prom,

but the kids have

got to vote us in.

And well...

Yeah, right now, I'm

the one holding you back.

- Maybe if we practice more.

- No, no.

It's just not something

you can practice out of.

What is this stuff?

I'm pretty sure it's just

growing new stretchmarks.

Hello?

Hey, stranger.

Lisa.

Oh, god, Lisa.

It's so good to hear your voice.

I've missed yours too.

Can we meet some time to talk?

Absolutely.

Anytime, anywhere, right now.

Ok. Bell tower, 15 minutes?

I'm on my way.

And Lisa... I love you.

I'll say I'm sorry

for the third time.

I mean it now.

I swear I'll change my ways.

And I feel so small

from the weight of it all.

Without you, girl,

I reach for you more than ever.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Oh, you're soaked.

Take off this sweatshirt.

Here. Put this on.

It'll keep you warm.

Won't your father...

He'll never know.

Besides, I have a

confession to make.

Well, this is the right place.

Tell me child, what is your sin?

Hm.

I have made a boy pregnant.

Do you plan to

do the right thing?

Yes, I do.

I want my baby back.

What?

I want my baby back.

This isn't working, Kelly.

It was a crazy idea

to even begin with.

Speaking of crazy

ideas, Lisa, I'm eight

and a half months pregnant.

You don't just switch

a baby back and forth.

- Well, you switched it with me.

- That was different.

It was just a little speck

then, and now it's a monster.

Don't you call

my baby a monster.

If anybody here is

a monster, it's you,

you crazy Sci-Fi experiment.

You're breaking all

the laws of nature,

and I want my baby back.

Yeah?

Well, you can't have it.

I know my rights.

Possession's 9/10ths of the

law, and I'm possessed, baby.

You need professional help.

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