Mamaboy Page #7

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You're violating my

inalienable rights...

Life, Liberty, and the

pursuit of childbearing.

I'll take you to

the supreme court.

I'll sue for

maternity, paternity,

custody, and lustody.

You've lost it, big time.

Every night, I lay

in bed, and my legs

cramp like burnt pretzels.

My back feels like

a linebacker hit me,

and my feet hurt so bad, I'd

rather walk over hot coals.

And what do I get in reward

for all my pain and suffering,

I get to throw up every

night into the toilet.

I've lost my car, my job, my

body, my friends, my grades.

How can anyone in their right

mind give up all that again?

Never, never.

Give me pregnancy,

or give me death.

You've cracked.

Lisa.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lost is where I'll be

unless midnight drive.

Without knowing

where I'm going...

What?

It's dad.

Breakfast is ready.

I'm not hungry.

Am I hearing correctly?

Did you say you weren't hungry?

Yeah.

I'm just trying to

lose a few pounds.

What's that you're working on?

- Just a song.

- For whom?

The band that you

no longer belong to?

For anyone, I guess.

I just... I seem to

write some of my best

stuff when I'm feeling down.

Kelly, son, if you need

to talk about something,

you know the old man is

a pretty good listener.

Yeah.

Thanks, dad, but I just...

I can't.

All right.

But when you're ready,

I'll be here, son.

Thanks, dad.

I love you.

I love you too.

If you change your mind,

food's out in the kitchen.

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Why tomorrow?

Because I get better

looking every day.

I mean, is this the

ultimate or what?

- You're looking good.

- Good?

I rock.

What girl could

resist this eye candy?

Does this meet with

your approval, sir?

Uh, nah.

It's... it's not quite me.

I need something more.

What about my friend here?

What could you fix him up with?

Heh. A circus.

I mean something to wear.

Something stylish, but

also down to earth.

A tent maybe.

Come on, Kelly.

This isn't the only

tux shop in town.

Let's try in here.

Are you crazy?

That's for pregnant women.

Hey, you're halfway home.

Come on.

Dude. Dude.

50% off.

Take a little looksy here.

Just relax. You know?

Ah.

How do they... how do they feel?

Get your minds out of the

gutter and your filthy paws

off the delicates.

Um, sorry, sir.

We were just looking for mom.

I'm mom.

Of course, you are.

And how long until

you're expecting?

Expecting what?

Expecting the, um, next

shipment of bras and panties

to come in?

Tell me you're not

here for the panties.

Actually, we're just

looking for some formal wear

suitable for a dance.

Preferably with some pants.

Uh, couldn't imagine it without.

See? I told you we came

to the right place.

Would this be for your mother?

Sister?

- Mother.

- Sister.

I see.

How far along is she?

She's pretty far.

How big is she?

Pretty big.

I would have to have more

precise measurements, ok?

Then, um, take fatso here.

He's pretty close to what my

mom, his sister looks like.

I can't resist

seeing where this goes.

Move.

Come here, fatso.

Ok.

Here we go.

Wow.

Um.

Let me see what I

have in the back.

Wow.

My mother, your sister?

I mean, seriously?

Dude, let's just

get out of here.

Just chill, man.

We're making definite progress.

Yeah.

You're in luck.

My debutante dress.

Yes.

- No.

- Yes, it's stunning.

It's not really

what I had in mind.

Well, let's not be

hasty in our decision.

I think this outfit has a lot

of interesting possibilities.

I mean, to be fairly judged, I

think you've got to try it on.

What?

Go for it.

Certainly, to be sure of

the fit and match and so on.

The dressing rooms

are to your right.

Oh, I'm getting my camera.

Let's just see how it looks.

No one will ever know.

Ravishing.

Simply ravishing.

Why, if I didn't already

have a date, I would...

Stop it, ditto.

Um, I mean, I've got

to say, it is stunning,

but I'm not gonna do it.

What?

I'm not wearing this to prom.

Vandalous juvenile delinquents.

If I ever find out who's

responsible for this, oh lord,

bring forth your

righteous indignation

and turn him into a

pillar of salt.

Daddy?

Lisa, sweetheart,

what are you doing here?

Nothing.

I just sort of had

this question that's

been bothering me for a while.

Well, of course, of

course, you can always...

You can always come

to me for the answers.

So, speak up.

What is it?

- Speak.

- Ok.

- Just speak.

- Ok, um.

Speak up.

Well, what if there's this

person who's doing a huge favor

for someone, even though it's

causing him a lot of suffering

to do it, should

the person receiving

the favor come forward and

confess, even though she

may be horribly murdered?

You know, I see right through

this charade, young lady.

- You do?

- Oh, yes.

I can just imagine the fine mess

you've gotten yourself into.

You can?

Lisa, kids have the same

problems today as they

did when I was growing up.

I... I know you think

you're the only person

in the world this has

happened to, but I assure you,

you're not.

Lisa, the same thing happened

to me when I was a teenager.

- It did?

- Mm-hm. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I still remember doing all of

those extra homework papers

for my friends so they

too would get good grades.

What?

That's it, right?

Homework?

What? I...

Lisa, you are so kind.

You are so giving.

Don't let people take

advantage of you.

My advice to you,

tell your friends

to do their own homework.

Sure, daddy. I will.

Just know i...

I always have the

answers for you.

Take care, sweetie.

Let them do their homework.

Oh, kids today.

One crisis after another.

What the?

Git, git, git, git.

Milton, this better be good.

Ooh.

Interesting.

Very interesting, Milton.

You may stand at ease.

Thank you, sir.

I can tell there is

something quite extraordinary

about Kelly Hankins.

I've compiled several

pages of behavior

which are extremely suspicious.

I believe that some

snitch-worthy material

will pop out on him very soon.

Excellent work, Milton.

See to it that you're

there to uncover the story.

I will have no scandal in

my school go unexposed.

What are you going

to the prom for anyway?

You're too fat to dance, and

you haven't even got a date.

I'm going for the principle.

You have a date

with principal Miller?

No, stupid.

I'm going because I won't

let anyone or anything

stop me from doing what I want.

Kelly Hankins runs his own race.

Kelly Hankins is too fat

to walk, much less run.

Where'd you get that

screwball outfit from anyway?

The costume store.

It was only tux that fit.

Now come over and

help me with my shoes.

I want to make sure my

outfit doesn't clash.

Beware of the man

whose middle name is danger.

Danger.

He has no friends, no,

he couldn't be stranger.

So be warned.

You mess with the shadow,

you mess with our town.

Bye-bye.

Mess with the shadow,

he's gonna take you down.

Whoa yeah, you're gone.

You're going down.

All out of excuses

'cause I've never,

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