Man of the House Page #6

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What is that smell?

Five Alarm Chili. It's my specialty.

You're putting meat into my lentil pot?

He's making dinner for Molly.

Who's Molly?

Professor McCarthy, Intro to English Lit.

I had her last quarter. She's a babe.

And this is what you're serving her?

It's his specialty.

My wife loved my chili.

Your wife left your gassy old ass.

- What's going on?

- Sharp's got a date.

- What are you gonna wear?

- Clothes.

- Pants, sport coat.

- Not that butt-ugly thing.

I like that sport coat.

I grabbed everything I could find.

What comes first,

astringent or exfoliating lotion?

I don't use that stuff.

You've got pores

the size of manhole covers.

And the ears, the nose.

We better do something about all this hair.

You can use some bronzer.

You need some colour.

- I don't bronze.

- You'll bronze, white boy.

I have been successfully grooming myself

for longer than y'all have been alive.

Some things have changed

since you were young.

We've discovered fire and the wheel.

She's right. If you wanna get over,

you better listen to us.

I'm just having dinner.

Not looking like that you won't.

Barb, can you do anything with the hair?

Shave it all off.

Go talk to her. Give me that.

Come on. I mean, it's never gonna work out

between you and Sharp.

He's old enough to be your...

great-great-great-great grandfather.

And you have an opportunity to help him.

You went to beauty school.

I flunked out.

I know.

But he doesn't know that.

"Natural-looking dramatic highlights...

"that enhance and brighten

your natural hair colour."

- Yes.

- No.

Okay, let's focus on the conversation.

How are you gonna get things rolling?

I don't know.

It's been a long time

since I went out on a date.

That's okay.

Look, just give us a little preview.

I'm her.

I come in.

Go.

Well, I'll start out by saying "hello."

No, I'll say "hi."

No, "hello" is better. I think.

I'll wait and see how I feel at the time.

Then I'll probably start out saying...

Asking her if she ever...

We'll start talking about...

I'm in deep sh*t, ain't I?

Who knew you were such a babe?

Even if you didn't let us frost your tips.

You clean up pretty nice, Sergeant.

- You're all that and then some.

- Thank you.

Remember, a woman is like a horse.

She likes the guy on the saddle

to have a tight grip on the reins.

Excuse me, a woman is not a horse.

Just be yourself.

I'm not so sure being himself

is going in the right direction.

Okay. Just be yourself,

but not the you who you really are.

Be the you who you would be

if you were somebody else.

- Somebody better.

- That's what I mean. Somebody better.

- Maybe we ought to call this off.

- Okay.

No!

It's too late.

Okay, just don't be the schizoid Sharp.

Be the Sharp who embraces life.

Now, don't worry.

We'll be with you every step of the way.

Sgt. Holt provided us

with a spare set of eyes and ears.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

- Out of here!

- Sorry.

Just take these.

Get!

Hello.

Come in.

Tell her she looks nice.

You look nice.

Thank you. So do you.

Nifty jacket.

Give her the flowers.

Girls thought you might like those.

No, they were your idea.

They're my idea,

but the girls thought you might like those.

Well, they were right.

- They're not here, are they?

- No.

Good. That would have been

a little awkward.

Yes. Real awkward.

Take the wine.

Take it.

I'll just go open this.

Where do you keep the corkscrew?

Left of the sink, top drawer.

Look.

Base to Ranger One, we've got

a makeup check in the dining room.

- I repeat, makeup check in the dining room.

- What does that mean?

It means she digs you, man.

Now, loosen the hell up.

Thank you.

Root beer.

I gave up alcohol about 10 years ago.

Didn't like yourself

when you were drinking, huh?

Hell, I loved myself when I drank.

It was other people that had the problem.

He's a dork.

Well, why don't I put these in some water.

All right, look, you got a laugh.

Now go to the table and light the candles.

No, that's such a lame move.

Candles are a total clich.

What do you know about clichs?

You've got a waterbed.

I say, light the candle. It's sexy.

He might as well pull out the bearskin rug

and the disco ball, for God's sake.

I need confirmation.

Is lighting the candle

a cool move or not a cool move?

Fine.

All in favour of candles?

- Me.

- Opposed?

Mission Control to Sharp.

Light those candles.

I don't know.

So many of my colleagues just stick it out

for the paycheque and the benefits.

Or, in my ex-husband's case...

for the endless supply

of fresh, young co-eds.

Why would a man want to be with a girl

when he can be with a woman?

Or in your case, with five girls.

What is your story?

My work became my mistress.

Before I knew it, that was all I had.

Willie Nelson.

Man after my own heart.

You want to dance?

So, what's really going on here?

Dancing.

No, I mean here.

What is a man like you doing in this house?

Well, it's...

a temporary assignment.

And I venture to guess it has nothing

to do with cheerleading, does it?

Not much, no.

It's kind of complicated.

You want to go in the living room?

Yeah.

Gross. What are you gonna do,

bag her on the couch?

Good night, Barb. Do your homework.

I can still see you.

You're killing me.

Hello?

Hi, I'm returning a call

from somebody named Evie.

That's me. Is this Emma?

Yeah. I'm sorry, do I know you?

No. But I know your dad.

I got your number from his cell phone.

I hope you don't mind,

but I'm doing this psych paper...

and I was wondering

if I could ask you some questions.

- Yeah, okay.

- Great.

I have this Hex Rally tomorrow night...

but I was wondering

if we can get started tonight.

Five, six, seven, eight.

- This is...

- Terrible, I know.

I was gonna say good.

I'm proud of you. It's good.

- What are y'all doing?

- Getting pumped for Hex Rally.

- We'll have to nix the Hex Rally.

- What?

No. There's no nixing the Hex.

It must go on.

You can't stop the Hex, Mr. Ranger-man.

- It's bigger than all of us.

- Is that right?

If we were doctors, we'd cure cancer.

If we were nurses, we'd give people shots.

If we were astronauts,

we would do other things.

But we're not. We're cheerleaders.

And we're going to the Hex Rally.

- You don't respect cheerleading, do you?

- No.

That's because you still don't get it.

Samuel L. Jackson, Sandra Bullock,

Cameron Diaz...

Calista Flockhart, Madonna and Halle Berry.

Not to mention Franklin D. Roosevelt,

Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush...

and the governor of our fair state,

Rick Perry.

All cheerleaders.

See, you're a negative person, Sharp.

Cheerleading is all about the positive.

Our job is to inspire, support and electrify.

Any fool can feel good

when you're winning.

But when you're down 27 points

in the fourth quarter...

that's when you got to ask yourself,

"Who you gonna call?"

I might call Halle Berry.

Hey, Longhorns.

Are we ready to take A&M to the mat?

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