Man of the Year Page #9

- Tom here.

- Turn on the television.

- What channel?

- Any channel.

Her motives aren't quite clear to us,

apart from the fact that

she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,

to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt

the computer system to get him elected.

We also know that the president-elect

has been seen in her presence recently,

but let me make this clear - we are not suggesting

any impropriety on behalf of the president-elect.

- Pull over.

- We are a family at Delacroy.

We have an extensive healthcare program.

Lots of people have psychological problems, mental

problems, health problems of one kind or another.

It's not something you sweep under the rug,

you gotta talk about it.

We believe that strongly, and we make our best effort

to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.

The good news is, all the computer voting systems

installed in polling stations remained secure.

Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election

and our safeguards proved to be impenetrable.

And that's all the information that we have at this time.

I'll take any questions now, if you got 'em. Yes?

Take a look at this. Take a look at this.

Perfect, just perfect.

She's a piece of work, huh? Flipped out

in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.

Clearly a mental case. Hospital said

she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.

I believe her.

She didn't seem that crazy.

You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate

hot dogs and you'd believe her. Take a look at this.

If what she says is true,

I'm really not the president-elect.

"If" is becoming a very large word.

Did you forget the first time we met her,

she said she was working for the FBI?

She said she knew about the computer fraud,

but takes three weeks to tell you.

"By the way, you're not the President.

Happy Thanksgiving. "

If she's not psychotic she's a stalker,

and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative.

- Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.

- What's that?

A succubus is some sort of a demon

that sucks the life out of healthy men.

I was once a healthy man.

What are you talking about? Please, please stop.

Don't get off track.

Can I get change for this, please?

My dollar won't work in your machine.

You're that Miss Green from the television.

I wasn't sure, 'cause you always pay cash.

- Did your uncle get ahold of you?

- What?

Your uncle. He was trying to call your room.

He said he couldn't get through.

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.

I think she may have figured out the glitch.

Bring it back, bring her back.

I want constant updates.

Yes, sir. When I find her,

I know what to do.

Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes

with that to the press, we're royally screwed.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech

followed by a White House meet-and-greet.

What do I do?

Go be presidential.

...speech today will give

some insight into the Eleanor Green situation.

Jack, I've been trying to call her

but I can't reach her.

You have a busy schedule.

Keep your head in that. Period.

That's terrific.

Saturday Night Live wants you.

What do you think?

- Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?

- Yeah.

- Do it.

- Why?

Because it's a great opportunity. Say you were

blinded by love, you didn't know she was popping pills.

It isn't like you were in some side street

gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.

You're so sensitive.

OK. I'll do it.

Yep, he'll do it.

I'll call you later for details.

It's hard to believe it's a year

since we've gathered together,

but we are very pleased

to have a most honored guest with us...

I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic,

if I must say so. I even threw in an old Hitler joke.

- How's that supposed to work?

- You'll see.

...Tom Dobbs!

Knock 'em dead.

Thank you very much.

I guess we should

get this over with at the beginning,

because you've all heard there's

a little bit of a rumor going around right now.

So I'll share the big scoop with you,

'cause, uh, Oprah was booked.

I'm not even President of the United States yet,

and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.

I did not have sex with that woman.

I wanted to.

I'm single.

And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is

probably the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

In high school,

most of my dates were with myself.

I would take myself out for dinner,

bring myself home,

put on music that I liked,

have my way with myself and then go,

"Should I drive myself home now?"

Pretty much the bottom line.

If I was in Italy I might get lucky.

They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.

Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there,

just great posters and incredible downloads.

I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy,

we can have a sense of humor

about ourselves. We have to.

You're allowed to make fun of those in power.

But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy.

Two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler.

They waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to

kill Hitler at 12:30. They have guns, bombs, knives.

One o'clock, no Hitler.

Finally one turns to the other and goes,

"My God, I hope nothing happened to him. "

It's good to see us back. The fact that we can laugh is

wonderful. But the last few years we've been divided.

Red states, blue states.

There are no red and blue states, there's only the

United States of America. That's what we're about.

That's why I say you can't spend 200 million dollars

on a campaign and not be owing people something.

Next thing you know

they have to deal with the special interests,

they're doing special favors for special people

and not dealing with what you need:

Education, healthcare, environmental issues.

They have to deal with oil companies, chemical

companies, drug companies, and they owe them.

And in the process, people get neglected.

The poor have no advocate,

because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.

The Statue of Liberty says,

"Give me your tired, your poor,"

not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed. "

I worked out your bit with SNL.

They really liked it.

- Has Eleanor called the headquarters yet?

- No.

- She hasn't called me either.

- Well, you never know with females.

I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers

to put a flock of sheep to sleep.

Why?

- She said it made the sex with me more bearable.

- Eleanor didn't do drugs.

Oh, no. And ball players don't do steroids,

they just wake up one day looking like Mack trucks.

- Pump a little iron, you look like a Humvee.

- With little tiny balls.

This is a meet-and-greet, nothing more.

Oh, the house is so close to the street.

Whoa, boy, that's a desk.

I mean... wow.

I, uh, I never really sat behind a desk before. I mean,

the one on the show is just a prop. This...

- Where do you do your writing?

- Usually on the back of a napkin, sitting in a bar.

Well, there's a lot of history

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes