Me and Mrs Jones Page #3

Season #1 Episode #6

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JASON:

His wife left him for the Asda

night supervisor. That qualifies

him for complete knobdom.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

12.

GEMMA:

I left you for no one so what

does that qualify you for?

He puts up the clothes horse looking pleased with himself.

JASON:

Fine, I’ll have the girls, but

don’t wear those.

He points to granny knickers that GEMMA is now holding.

JASON:

Unless he’s a pervy knob in a

Range Rover.

He gives the clothes horse a manly pat.

JASON:

(re clothes horse)

Glad I popped round now aren’t

you?

GEMMA:

(smiles sweetly)

Love to Inca.

He throws her a look and exits and as he does so the

clothes horse collapses in on its self to the floor.

GEMMA:

(shouts after him)

Poo head!

She gives the clothes horse a kick, then looks at her arm

with the phone number on it.

GEMMA:

Right.

She marches into the kitchen

INTO:

6 INT. GEMMA’S KITCHEN. MID-DAY 6

GEMMA picks up the phone and is about to dial when she

turns and grabs a bottle of Advocat from a kitchen cupboard

and takes a swig. She does a ‘yuck’ face then recoils and

chokes.

GEMMA:

Erghhh.... God.... Erghh

As she speaks we cut to....

CUT TO:

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

13.

7 INT. TOM’S LIVING ROOM. MID-DAY 7

TOM’s house is a family home but with predominantly

masculine touches. A photo of him and his daughter in

Taekwondo outfits is on a table with the answering machine.

TOM is standing in his full taekwondo kit going through

various moves calmly, his answer machine clicks in and he

hears....

GEMMA (PHONE MESSAGE)

(we hear choking /

gagging noises)

Ergh... sorry... Advocat went

down the wrong way.... I don’t

normally drink during the day...

Just a quick shot for courage...

that’s not important.. Anyway,

it’s me..... Gemma.. Gemma

Jones... from the play ground...

you wrote on my arm.. But you

know that, so

(overly loud)

I will go out with you tonight...

goodbye.

(She thinks she’s hung

up)

Oh no what have I done - oh no..

the phone what the....

(line goes dead)

The machine clicks off. TOM goes into a full on taekwondo

display.

TOM:

Yes! Yes! Yes! Aaaaah.

He does a small bow.

CUT TO:

8 INT. BOUTIQUE DRESS SHOP. LUNCH TIME 8

GEMMA is in a changing area curtained off from the shop.

She is holding a small slutty dress and looking at it.

It’s red and sparkly with holes in it all over the place.

GEMMA:

I’m not sure about this dress Fran.

There is no answer.

GEMMA (cont'd)

Fran! The dress, it’s a bit...

small looking...

Still no answer so GEMMA’S head appears between the curtains

that open out into the shop. She spots FRAN texting nearby.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

14.

GEMMA (cont'd)

Fran!

FRAN:

What! Sorry, I’m just flirt texting

my dentist.

GEMMA:

Fran! This dress is... confusing.

FRAN:

Rubbish, it’s the perfect mix of

educated sluttiness. Trust me.

FRAN pushes GEMMA’s head back in the cubicle and resumes

texting. The camera stays with FRAN and we presume GEMMA is

changing into the dress.

FRAN (cont'd)

I thought you were going to

chicken out of this date with

Tom.

GEMMA (V.O.)

Jason drove me to it.

FRAN:

Yeah well he’d drive me to binge

drinking and self harming.

GEMMA opens the changing room curtain to reveal she has the

dress on but it’s over her own clothes - it looks insane as

she obviously doesn’t have it on right.

GEMMA:

I look like Noddy.

FRAN:

I quite fancied Noddy when I was

little - he had his own car.

(looking at her) It might help if

you took your other clothes off.

GEMMA:

Fine.

A resigned GEMMA closes the curtain. FRAN resumes texting as

a SNOOTY SHOP WOMAN walks past and hears.

FRAN:

And I’ll need to bring you up to

date on this Centuries sexual

practices.

A nervous GEMMA pops just her head through the curtain. We

can’t see her body but she’s wriggling a bit during the

following, we assume trying to get the dress off.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

15.

GEMMA:

What! (Under her breath) I

assumed sex had remained pretty

much the same over the Centuries.

FRAN:

Who was the last man you slept

with?

GEMMA tries to think.

GEMMA:

Er...was it?...no...er. It could

have been...er..

FRAN:

It was Jason wasn’t it?

GEMMA:

Yes.

GEMMA goes back into the changing room. We stay on FRAN.

FRAN:

Men over 40 need to see flesh to

make the effort. Nowadays people

don't even go on dates, they just

hook up for a quickie between

'Attenborough's Blue Planet' and

'Newsnight'.

GEMMA (V.O.)

(sounds hot and bothered) Really?

FRAN:

Yeah, Attenborough's shows were

responsible for at least three of

my best ever sexual encounters.

You can learn a lot from the animal

kingdom.

GEMMA’S head appears through the curtain, she looks a mess -

obviously been struggling to get out of the dress.

GEMMA:

I'm going to cancel.

GEMMA disappears back into the changing room and we go with

her, she is still trying to get out the dress.

FRAN (V.O.)

Look, Tom’s really nice. You

deserve some fun Gems..

GEMMA:

(To self) Houdini would struggle

with this...

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

16.

FRAN pops her head into the cubicle....

FRAN:

Does bosoms have one or two ‘o’s’

(sees GEMMA) Oh!

FRAN takes her head out the curtains and we see her stop the

SNOOTY SHOP ASSISTANT as she walks past.

FRAN:

Have you got any scissors, we may

have to cut her out of the Educated

Slutty.

CUT TO:

9 INT GEMMA’S LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON 9

GEMMA is in the living room with facial hair removal cream

on her upper lip. She is watching an animal documentary -

two bears are wooing, we hear them growling. Unannounced

her son ALFIE and his mate BILLY enter carrying rucksacks -

they watch the TV before speaking.

ALFIE:

(To BILLY re bears)

Reminds me of you mate.

GEMMA:

Alfie! You’re not supposed to be

back for another four months!

(suddenly worried)

Are you in trouble?! Is it

drugs? (checks his arms) Have

you been expelled from China?

ALFIE:

It's not school mum. They don't

chuck you out of China for

smoking behind the bins. Oh

yeah, this is Billy, I said he

could stay a few nights.

BILLY:

Hi. I think there's...

(motions to his upper

lip)

something on your.....

GEMMA:

Oh no!

GEMMA wipes the hair removal cream off her upper lip.

ALFIE:

Billy saved my life in China.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

17.

GEMMA:

Saved your life?

ALFIE:

Yeah, I fell off the Great Wall

into his arms.

BILLY:

It was quite romantic really.

GEMMA (CONT'D)

I thought you were going to be

away "discovering yourself" until

Christmas.

ALFIE:

Nah, I "discovered myself" in a

week. Turns out I'm actually

fairly shallow.

(sits on sofa and looks

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