Me and Mrs Jones Page #5

Season #1 Episode #6

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TOM:

Wow! You look...

(searching for right

word)

Super!

GEMMA:

Thanks. This is my son Alfie

just back from travelling the

world. Alfie this is Tom.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

24.

ALFIE doesn’t even look up from the computer.

ALFIE:

Alright mate.

TOM:

He’s your son! Wow... big. I

didn’t realise you and Jason had

been together so long.

ALFIE:

(snorts) That muppet isn’t my

dad.

GEMMA:

Alfie! I had Alfie waaay before I

met Jason... I mean not waaaay

way. I’m not that old... I mean

I’m oldish, obviously but not...

I was really young when I had

Alfie.... I mean not young as in

“headline in the Daily Mail”

young just.......

(panic plea to Alfie)

Did you say something?

ALFIE smiles at his mum, he’s not helping her out. He pulls

the plug on the computer.

ALFIE:

Nope you carry on, you’re doing

really great.

ALFIE relaxes back in his chair as BILLY comes in.

TOM:

Gosh two man sons?

GEMMA:

No, this is Billy. He’s Alfie’s

friend. He saved his life

(after thought)

It wasn’t drugs related.

TOM and BILLY shake hands.

TOM:

I once saved someone.

GEMMA:

Really?

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

25.

TOM:

(with pride)

Well, when I say someone, it was

more of a dog - But it was an old

lady’s dog and she said he was

more of a son to her than her son

had been. Anyway he fell in the

pond and got into distress,

little legs, and I ... well, I

paddled in and saved him.

They all stare at TOM blankly as he smiles broadly.

CUT TO:

14 INT. JASON AND INCA’S DINING ROOM. NIGHT 14

JASON and INCA’S dining room is minimalist and not exactly

child friendly. It’s quite sterile and there are awful

sculptures dotted around. The twins and JASON are sat at

the dinner table. Relaxation music plays, pipes and whale

sounds.

JESS:

What’s that noise?

INCA comes into the room holding large dinner plates.

INCA:

Whales who are relaxing.

INCA puts down the plates and we see that there are tiny

portions of health food in the centre of them. It looks to

be a beansprout and tofu based dish. It looks awful.

CHARLOTTE:

What is this?

INCA:

Tofu and beansprouts.

JESS:

Ergh puke.

JASON:

No not puke, now eat it up girls.

He takes a mouthful then winces then smiles lovingly at

INCA.

JASON:

Mmmmm yummy.

JESS:

But Dad I thought we were having

burger and fries?

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

26.

INCA:

I’m sorry Jess but I don't allow

meats in the house.

CHARLOTTE:

But we had burger and fries with

Dad last time we were here.

INCA:

Excuse me?

JESS:

When you were at your spray tan

class.

JASON:

(to Jess)

Don’t be daft love, we don’t do

hamburgers - remember? Or any

form of corporate food.

INCA:

Are you lying to Inca?

JASON:

No, I promise. They’ve got it

wrong. I would never let a

Quarter Pounder down my digestive

tract.

INCA:

(to JASON stern/annoyed)

I have decided which body part of

yours I am going to wax.

JASON looks nervously at the girls who stifle a giggle.

CHARLOTTE and JESS eat using small mouths like rabbits.

CUT TO:

15 INT. THAI RESTAURANT. NIGHT 15

We look through the window of ‘Bangkok House’ Thai

restaurant. GEMMA and TOM are sat at a small bar waiting

for their table. They have Mai Thai cocktails.

GEMMA:

These are lovely.

She sucks long and hard on the straw.

TOM:

Steady there cowboy, they’re

strong.

She laughs, then does a hiccup.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

27.

GEMMA:

Been a long day, I needed that.

TOM:

You look really stunning Gemma.

GEMMA:

Thank you.

TOM:

I knew you could.

GEMMA looks at him slightly shocked.

TOM:

(embarrassed)

I mean, you always look good, you

just look more good now.

GEMMA:

Thanks, thing is you get too used

to slobbing around in jogging

bottoms, sometimes I forget I’ve

got a waist.

TOM laughs and takes a gulp of his cocktail he seems very

relaxed now.

TOM:

Yeah, I’ve seen you in those

jogging bottoms at the school

gates every morning sporting that

big old Marmite moustache.

He laughs, GEMMA looks at him blankly.

GEMMA:

(upset)

Marmite moustache?

TOM:

(oblivious to response)

Yeah, it’s either Marmite or

Chocolate spread.

GEMMA:

(flatly)

It’s Marmite.

TOM:

(pleased with self)

Thought so.

TOM smiles at her long and hard. She smiles back. He smiles

again. She smiles again.

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

28.

TOM:

I like your teeth.

CUT TO:

16 INT. BUS - NIGHT 16

ALFIE and BILLY are sitting on the top deck of a bus

chatting. ALFIE is spouting crap looking in the bus window

and adjusting his clothes to look ‘perfect’. BILLY has his

feet nonchalantly up on the seat in front next to ALFIE’S

leather jacket.

ALFIE:

You know mate, travelling the

world and all its orifices has

really opened my eyes. It’s

helped expose the real me...

BILLY:

Yeah, well, my advice, keep the

real you covered up if you wanna

pull tonight..

FROSTY GIRL and CUTE GIRL get on the bus dressed for a

night out. They sit near ALFIE and BILLY on the bus.

ALFIE:

Aye! Aye!...

ALFIE leans over to them to introduce himself.

ALFIE:

Ladies, I’m Alfie, this is Billy.

He’s a bit like my Sherpa. We

just got back from travelling the

world.

FROSTY GIRL:

(unimpressed)

Really?

CUTE GIRL smiles at BILLY.

ALFIE:

Oh yeah. Tell them Billy.

BILLY:

China, Borneo, Phuket. Alfie was

just telling me how he’s a

changed man since Thailand.

FROSTY GIRL:

(sarcastic)

Sex change?

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

29.

CUTE GIRL and BILLY laugh.

ALFIE:

(to Frosty Girl

seriously)

You’re funny, I like you.

FROSTY GIRL looks slightly taken aback by this.

ALFIE:

No, I meant changed as in my

outlook’s changed. I’m kinda now

looking for someone who’s my

intellectual equal. Like...

BILLY:

Paris Hilton?

ALFIE:

(ignores Billy and

stares intently at

Frosty Girl)

Someone I can share things with

like....

BILLY:

STDs?

ALFIE:

(ignores Billy)

Experiences. A woman with

intelligence, knowledge, you

know, a big brain.

BILLY:

Which would obviously mean a big

head.

CUTE GIRL smiles at BILLY

ALFIE:

(unsure)

Right sure, a big head.

FROSTY GIRL:

(defensive)

Are you saying my heads too big?

ALFIE:

What? Umm. No, yeah, sort of -

but you know, in a good way -

like a Bratz doll - I mean not

plastic or.. what I’m trying to

say is ... Billy, what am I

trying to say?

Me & Mrs. Jones - Episode One - Shooting Script - 17.05.2012

30.

BILLY:

I think what you’re trying to say

is can you buy these two ladies a

drink in town for being a dick on

the bus?

The girls laugh. The boys are in.

CUT TO:

17 INT. THAI RESTAURANT. NIGHT. 17

GEMMA and TOM are now seated at their table and their

desserts are being served.

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