Me and the Colonel Page #3

---

He's here. I knew he would come.

- Darling!

- I am not darling.

Too bad. I wish I were.

With the least encouragement, I could be.

Meantime, I am Major Von Bergen.

- And extremely hungry.

- The restaurant is closed.

Then I suggest you re-open.

Our troops will soon be here

as occupying forces.

And I assure you that the officers at least,

like myself,

have a deep appreciation of French cooking.

It would be to your advantage

to entertain them.

Won't you invite me in?

- Yes, just as he described it, exactly.

- Who?

My father. He had several meals here when

he visited France in the First World War.

The way he described the cooking

was enough to make my mouth water.

If you Germans didn't devote yourself

so exclusively to fighting,

you could come as civilians

and enjoy what we have to offer.

I should prefer that myself.

But with us, militarism is a way of life.

We keep on fighting, even when we know

that we are going to lose.

- Well, you have almost won this time.

- But, my dear, we always almost win.

I tell you what, as soon as

you have lost this war, come back

and I'll give you a gala dinner.

I'm afraid I can't wait that long.

Why don't you bring some wine?

And then we can discuss

the rest of the menu.

This is too much.

Using our last drop of precious gasoline.

And why? To get behind the German lines!

The Polish government

will pay you for your gasoline.

Szabuniewicz, child, write down everything

we owe this tradesman.

In my head is written.

Write down also in your head

that the Polish government owes me

for one heart in very weak condition,

one wrecked nervous system, and if the

Germans catch me, one entire Jacobowsky.

Please, need help.

What do you think will happen to you

if we fall into German hands?

I do not think. I act.

Gun, I shoot. Woman, I love.

Honour, I defend.

A figure from the Middle Ages,

as sure as the world is round.

- Who says that?

- Who says what?

- That the world is round?

- I don't insist.

There is no doubt, Colonel,

that you have one of the finest minds

of the 12th century.

Unfortunately, I live in the 20th.

Smells heavenly.

Not in the least like my mother's cooking.

You seem nervous.

Do you expect "Darling" will come in on us?

He has nothing to be jealous of,

for the moment.

My husband is not jealous.

Husband? Is he so sure of you?

Yes. And with reason.

Your husband. French?

No. Polish.

How quaint.

I did not know there were any Poles left.

He must be the last one.

He is among the first.

Well, we took Poland away from the Poles.

It might be amusing to take you away

from this Pole.

It would not, Major, I assure you,

be the least bit amusing.

Your resistance might be amusing.

Divisional Headquarters

moving immediately, sir.

General Schloesser will hold

conference within the hour.

That leaves us very little time.

And you are worth a little time.

Well, the efficiency of our army

takes all the joy out of life.

Imagine giving you up

for General Schloesser.

He's a fantastically ugly man.

Well, wasn't it an American who said,

"War is hell"?

Those were Germans, Colonel.

- So?

- I don't understand you.

You seem to look down on

the instinct of self-preservation.

Maybe you don't want to live, but I do.

In your case, this ambition is trivial.

We are here.

Must be asleep.

Szabuniewicz, child, my balalaika.

We wake her sweet.

Yes, sir.

You pick this moment for a recital?

It's a dream I dream. It's a dream.

I, the only son of Reba Jacobowsky,

lost far from home,

headed for destruction

with Don Quixote and Sancho Panza,

in Rothschild's Rolls Royce.

It's a dream. It's a dream.

- Darling!

- I have returned.

Tadaeusz!

In the cathedral of my heart,

a candle was always burning for you.

That must be the best-lit cathedral

in Europe.

- Jacobowsky! Fill tank with gasoline.

- And just where do you suggest I get it?

Gasoline is in your blood.

"Get gasoline. Fill tank."

That's very easy for him to say.

"Get gasoline. Fill tank."

Where am I going to get gasoline?

We're miles from nowhere and surrounded

on all sides by the German army.

"Get gasoline," he says.

Yes, but Colonel is in bigger danger

than you.

- That's debatable.

- Sure. Germans have put price on his head.

At the rate we're going, they'll collect it.

When Colonel escape

from prison camp in Poland,

Germans offered 100,000 marks

for his capture, 100,000 marks...

- What?

- What?

What is that?

- Sounds like tank.

- Tank?

- Is tank.

- Is tank.

Please, Szabuniewicz. Is tank, yes?

Is French tank.

Hey, move that automobile out of our way.

I would be happy to oblige, Lieutenant.

But unfortunately, we are out of gasoline.

Sergeant, push it off the road.

Why go to all that trouble?

If you could just supply us

with a little gasoline, we will...

Don't you realise

we are in the middle of a war?

Yes. Yes, I realise that.

But in wartime, shortages develop.

We are a little short of gasoline.

Sergeant, you heard my order.

Well, wait. Just a moment, please.

I have to get a bag, it's very valuable.

This I cannot lose because...

I didn't want to lose this, it's very valuable.

I have genuine, imported Polish vodka.

Vodka?

Have you been faithful to me?

Have you been faithful to me?

How can you ask a thing like this?

If I didn't love you,

would I have come back for you?

When all the others left, I stayed behind,

because I knew you would come.

Since that week we had together in Paris,

I have been lonely for you.

And there were no other women?

Especially when I am with other women,

I feel lonely for you.

And is that all you did

when you were with them? Think about me?

To every woman I am polite.

I do not say this to be funny.

I know you don't. That's why it is funny.

You are adorable and funny.

I love you, darling.

There is no man left in this bleak,

awful modern world like you.

- He says I'm from the 12th century.

- Who?

- This fellow who is with me.

- Who is he?

Nobody.

My beloved.

My eyes.

My skin.

My hair.

Yes?

Excuse me, Colonel, and mademoiselle.

I don't like to interrupt,

but we are ready to leave.

- You have gasoline?

- Naturally.

How did you manage to get gasoline?

For centuries, alchemists have been

trying to turn lead into gold.

I have done a little better.

I have turned vodka into gasoline.

You gave away my vodka?

Please, Colonel,

you must be philosophical about this.

Without gasoline an automobile cannot run,

but a man can run without vodka.

Wait outside. We come down in an hour.

Please, dear lady, explain to the Colonel

an hour may be too late.

I was just told the Germans

have started pouring into Reims in force.

He lives in fear of death, this man.

I know I am a superfluous man.

But even a superfluous man

wants to go on being superfluous.

- Your friend is funny.

- He is not my friend. He is an accident.

I am Suzanne Roualet.

Enchanted, mademoiselle.

Actually, it is more important for the Colonel

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes