Meet the Parents Page #3

To smoke a...smoke...

..a marijuana cigarette.

Well, Puff's just the name

of the boy's magical dragon.

Right.

- Are you a pot head, Focker?

- No! No. What?

No, no, no, Jack.

No, l'm...l'm not. l...

l pass on grass...all the time.

l mean not all the time...

- Yes or no?

- No. Yes. No.

Greg, l'll meet you out front

in about...12 to 15 minutes.

OK.

Oh.

Hey. Hi.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Do you have any nicotine patches?

No. We have the gum.

All right.

You chew it.

Thank you. And what's your

most expensive bottle of champagne?

Mumm's. lt's on sale for $13.95.

That's it? You don't have a nice

$80 or $100 bottle or something?

You can get a whole bunch of Mumm's.

- Focker?

- Jack. Ready to go?

Rough and ready, yeah.

They ran out of Collins mix.

You been waiting long?

No! l was just reading up about...

..pumps.

Pumps?

Yes. Breast pumps.

l grew up on a farm.

Get your hot buns. Hot patooties.

Wow, Dina, everything looks fabulous.

lt's such a treat

to have a home-cooked meal like this.

Dinner at my house meant fighting

over containers of Chinese food.

Oh, you poor thing! There wasn't

enough food to go around?

No, there was. We just never really

sat down like a family like this.

Oh!

Greg, would you like to say grace?

Uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad.

You know that.

You're telling me

the Jews don't pray, honey?

Unless you have some objection?

No, no, no. l'd love to.

Pam, it's not like

l'm a rabbi or something.

l've said grace at many...

a dinner table.

(Greg) OK.

Oh...dear God...

Thank you.

You are such a good God to us.

A kind and gentle and...

accommodating...God.

And we thank you,

O, sweet, sweet Lord of Hosts,

for the...

..smorgasbord you have so aptly

lain at our table this day...

and each day...by day...

Day by day...by day.

O...dear Lord, three things we pray.

To love thee more dearly,

to see thee more clearly,

to...follow thee more nearly,

day by day...by day. Amen.

Amen.

Oh, Greg, that was lovely.

Thank you, Greg.

That was interesting too.

Oh. That's a...that's a lovely vase.

lt looks great.

Let me guess, is that one

of your secret cameras too, huh?

Ah-booga-booga-booga! Whooh!

Greg...

(Whispering) That urn holds

the remains of Jack's mother.

Oh. l'm sorry. l'm so sorry. That...

That's all right. You didn't know.

l'm...

That's our Gran-Gran.

We like to think of her

as watching over us as we eat.

Love you, Ma. Miss you.

Miss you every day.

Oh, honey, why don't

you read Greg your poem?

Oh, no. He doesn't want to hear that.

What? No, what poem?

You see, when Jack had to retire

for health reasons...

That's a bunch of malarkey.

..the doctor thought

it would be therapeutic

if he expressed his emotions

in an artistic way.

You wrote a beautiful poem

about your mother.

Please, we really want to hear it.

- Poem! Poem!

- Please?

All right.

lt's a work in progress.

l'm still not happy with it.

As soon as it's ready,

l'm going to glaze it onto a plate

and put it next to the urn.

Nice.

lt's very special.

My Mother...by Jack Byrnes.

You gave me life,

you gave me milk,

you gave me courage.

Your name was Angela,

the angel from heaven.

But you were also an angel of God,

and He needed you, too.

Selfishly, l tried to keep you here,

while the cancer

ate away your organs,

like an unstoppable rebel force,

but l couldn't save you,

and l shall see your face...

nevermore,

nevermore,

nevermore.

Until we meet...

in Heaven.

Oh...

Daddy, that's beautiful.

lt just gets me...

Amazing. So-so-so much love,

yet also so much...information.

lt takes a lot out of him.

Greg, would you like some yams?

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

You must have had vegetables fresher

than that growing up on a farm.

Dad, Greg grew up in Detroit.

He told me he grew up on a farm.

Do they have many farms in Detroit?

No, Dina. Not a lot.

ln fact, Jack, l should clarify this.

l didn't actually grow up...

on a farm per se.

The house that we grew up in

was originally erected

in the early Dutch farm...

colonial style.

So, that plus we had a lot of pets...

Which one did you milk then?

Dad!

Honey, he said he'd pumped milk.

What have you ever milked?

Cat.

A cat?

l milked a cat once.

You wanna hear a story?

Sure.

My sister had a cat and the cat

birthed a litter of kittens.

There must have been 30 of them.

There was this runt,

this sweet little,

Little-Engine-That-Could runt

who could...

Wanted to get up there but couldn't

really get access to the...

To the...uh...teat.

Teat?

Dad.

What have you.

l went in and just simply...

You know, just...

lnto a little saucer.

And then took the saucer

and fed it to Geppetto.

That was his name. Geppetto.

l had...l had no idea

you could milk a cat.

You can milk anything with nipples.

l have nipples. Could you milk me?

OK, can we

change the subject, perhaps?

Oh, champagne! l thought

we could celebrate with some bubbly.

That'd be great. Good idea.

"l have nipples. Can you milk me?"

Well, in a funny way

you've already seen Deb's ring.

Mm-hm. That's true.

Would anybody care for some of

Oyster Bay's finest champagne?

That is so sweet of you.

lsn't that a nice gesture?

Yeah, very nice.

How could l have seen Debbie's ring?

When l gave Bob the OK, l put him

in touch with my diamond guy

and he picked the exact same design

that Kevin gave you.

- Kevin your old boyfriend?

- Thanks, Dad.

Kevin was Pam's fianc.

Ohh!

- Oh.

- Argh!

- Oh!

- Ohh!

- Oh!

- Oh, my God!

Jinxy, no! Psst!

- Ohh...

- Jinxy, no!

Sh*t!

Greg, sweetie, how are you doing?

Fine, considering

l desecrated your grandma's remains,

found out you were engaged and had

your father ask me to milk him.

At least then

he was talking to me, so...

You didn't say you were that close.

- Who, Daddy and me?

- No, Kevin and you.

Do we have to know

everything about each other?

l never knew about your cat-milking.

That was a long time ago, Pam.

OK, well, so was this.

Kevin's and my...

connection was more...

physical than anything else.

Physical?. Like what, like,

you worked out together?

No, no, it was nothing.

lt was...just a stupid sexual thing.

l'm gonna go throw up now.

Oh, Greg. Kevin and l

were only engaged for a month

before l realised it was a mistake.

l-l gave back the ring,

l moved to Chicago

and l met and fell in love with you,

so can we please drop this?

- OK.

- Good.

l just feel this isn't going well.

Your dad hates me.

He doesn't hate you, sweetie.

Just give him a chance, all right?

Maybe he's nervous too, huh?

l thought he would love my gift,

being this big flower guy,

but it's like...he didn't show

the slightest bit of interest.

Listen to me, forget the gift.

You're the most adorable, loving,

sweetest man in the world

and l love you.

And very soon

my parents are gonna see that

and grow to love you too, OK?

OK?

Mm-hm.

Speaking of growing to love you...

- lt's late.

- l know it's late.

But Mr Winkie

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