Meet the Parents Page #4

is still on Chicago time

and we both know there's only one way

to make Mr Winkie go away, right?

- (Knock on door)

- And there it is.

What's with the robe?

lt's Pam's.

My pyjamas are in the suitcase.

Hey, l'll lend you a pair of Jack's.

- OK, honey?

- Sure.

You don't have to do that.

- No, no.

- No, we have to.

- Thank you.

- (Dina ) You're welcome.

l just want to say

don't worry about what happened.

Oh. Well, thanks, Jack.

l still... l feel horrible, l mean...

Well, it was a horrible thing.

But let's put all that behind us

and enjoy our weekend together.

OK.

Thank you, Daddy.

Chug-chug-chug...

Thank you. These'll do just fine.

Good night.

Night. Why'd you give him

my favourite pair?

Night, see you in the morning,

right?

- Have a good sleep.

- You too.

Oh, no, no, Greg, we made up

the pullout for you down in the den.

Oh. OK, cos Pam said l should sleep

in Debbie's room, but...

Debbie's sleeping here tomorrow

so you'll have more privacy,

your own bathroom.

Just try not to flush the toilet.

lt's a little quirky.

OK.

Oh, one more thing.

Look, l understand you've probably

had premarital relations with my Pam,

but under our roof, it's my way

or the Long lsland Expressway,

is that understood?

Of course. Yeah.

Good. Keep your snake

in its cage for 72 hours.

OK.

(Phone ) 'Welcome to

Atlantic American Airways.

'Customer satisfaction

always comes first.

'We have heavy call logging.

'As your call is important to us

it will be answered in 27 minutes.

'Press 1 to talk to

a representative.'

(Beep )

'We are closed. Please call back.'

Oh!

Sorry.

There's just something about him

that's a little off.

Yeah, yeah. Jack.

We've been through this

with every boyfriend since,

what, middle school?.

l think Greg is a lovely young man.

And honey,

Pam thinks he might be the one.

She said that?

She said those exact words?

Well, l didn't tape record her, Jack,

but that's the impression l got.

l feel sorry that boy never had...

What kind of a family

doesn't sit down for dinner?

Fugitives.

Try to enjoy the weekend, honey.

- Both our daughters are in love.

- That's what l'm worried about.

Oh...

Oh, jeez. l just realised something.

- What?

- Pam's middle name.

Martha... Oh, no.

(Both) Pamela Martha Focker.

(Yells)

"Operation Ko Samui"?

(Jack) Looking for something, Greg?

Oh. Jesus, Jack, you scared me.

Well, l heard a noise so

l came to see if everything was OK.

l just... l'm sorry, l saw a light on

in here and l kinda stumbled in...

That's OK. See anything interesting?

No. Not at all. l mean...l mean,

this is great, though.

l love this... What you...

lt's a cosy little nook.

l noticed you were looking at that.

Yeah.

lt's an antique polygraph machine.

ls that what that is?

l've seen these before

but never up close.

You know what?

Why don't you try that on?

Oh...that's OK.

We'll have some fun!

l'll show you how it works.

- l shouldn't.

- Why? You've nothing to hide.

- No. l know.

- So there's no problem.

- No, there's no problem.

- So try it on.

- OK.

- l'll help you.

Don't worry, you'll enjoy this.

All right.

Looks complicated. Now,

these aren't 100% accurate, right?

You'd be surprised

how accurate they are.

They can tell if someone's lying.

Now l'm gonna ask you some questions.

All you have to do

is answer yes or no.

OK.

All right, let's give it a whirl.

- Did you fly on an aeroplane today?

- Yes, l did.

No peeking. Did we eat

pot roast for dinner tonight?

Yes.

Was it undercooked?

N-n-no, it was rare.

lt was a little rare for my taste,

but l...l wouldn't...

l'm just kidding. l'm just... OK.

(Hyperventilating)

Relax, relax.

The needles are jumping.

Have you ever watched

pornographic videos?

(Needles jumping)

No.

- l mean, well, l don't...

- Yes or no?

Hey.

Hey.

Oh.

What's the matter, you can't sleep?

No, l'm just going over my answers

from the polygraph test

your dad gave me.

- Oh, no, he didn't?

- Yeah, he did.

Well, did you lie to him?

No! l mean... Well, he asked me

if we were living together, l...

What did you tell him?

Nothing. Your mother walked in

and l yanked the thingies off.

Would you react like this if

he shoved bamboo shoots up my nails?

Or does he hook all your boyfriends

up to his little machine?

He doesn't need a machine.

He's a human lie detector.

What?

My father was never

in the rare flower business.

That was just his cover.

He was in the ClA for 34 years.

How could you not tell me this?

l wanted to, honey,

but it was strictly

on a "need-to-know" basis.

So, what, he's in the ClA?

He was a spy? He is a spy...?

No, he was a psychological profiler.

He interrogated double agents

in the company.

Oh, that's great.

l was scared of your dad

when he was a florist.

lt's wonderful to know

l've got a ClA spy hunter on my ass.

Would you stop?

You're doing great, OK?

This is a lot to take in, honey.

l'm sorry.

lt's just weird.

l know, but you're doing fine.

l promise.

- No!

- What's wrong, sweetie?

l forgot. l'm not supposed

to let the snake out.

You what?

l told your dad

l wouldn't touch you.

Well, l'm not in junior high

any more, OK?

No, seriously. l wanna try

to respect his rules, OK?

OK. Fine.

You go ahead and get some sleep

and l'll see you in the morning.

OK.

Morning, Greg.

Morning.

Pam told me she let you in on

a little secret of mine last night.

Yes, she did.

As long as you keep your mouth shut

for the rest of your life,

you're in no immediate danger.

l won't tell.

l'm just being humorous.

Ha. That's funny.

The fact is, Greg,

with the knowledge you've been given

you are now on the inside

of what l like to call

the Byrnes Family Circle of Trust.

l keep nothing from you,

you keep nothing from me

and round and round we go.

OK.

Understood.

OK, good. Come on,

let's go inside and have breakfast.

# Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat,

where are you?

# l love you #

Jinxy.

Not at the table, honey, please.

Attaboy!

Hey, hey, look who's up!

You must be Greg.

Hello.

Somebody had a little visit

from the hair fairy.

Oh, yes.

Nice do. Nice do.

l'll do the intros.

This is my sister Debbie.

- The bride to be. Congratulations.

- Hi.

- And her fianc Dr Bob.

- Oh, call me Bob...MD.

And his parents, Linda Banks.

Hi, how are you?

And the world famous plastic surgeon

Dr Larry.

Oh, now, cut that out!

(All laugh)

- Greg's in medicine too, Larry.

- Oh, really? What field?

Uh, nursing.

- That's good.

- No, really, what field?

Nursing.

Why don't l get you a chair, Greg?

Thank you. Thanks.

So, you didn't want to go

for the MD?

No, l thought about it

but l decided it wasn't for me.

Just as well, Board's a killer.

Actually Greg aced his MCATs.

- You serious?

- No, l did OK.

Oh, he did more than OK, trust me.

Why did you take the test?

l wanted to keep my options open.

Nursing was just better for me.

You can work in

several different areas.

l can focus 100% on patient care.

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