Men in Black II Page #5

Two for one every Wednesday.

Give twice as much as ye receive

on our most sacred of days.

Every Wednesday.

Large adult entertainment section

in the back.

That's just nasty.

- What's with the video card?

- Don't know.

- The watch?

- A reminder.

- Of what?

- Can't remember.

Guess.

I guess we have till midnight.

Look. Here's an idea. Let's stop

chasing butt-backwards clues...

...get a couple fission carbonisers

and get our headquarters back.

It's all about to make sense, kid.

Is this card valid?

- This card hasn't been used in years.

- I've been away on business.

- Billions of frequent flier miles.

- Try and use them.

I wanted to go to Cambodia. You can

get a lobster dinner for a dollar.

The airlines black out holidays.

It's a conspiracy, I'm sure, I mean...

Can you tell us anything

about the account?

You never checked out a tape.

You reserved one once,

but you never picked it up.

- Newton.

- There's a rat in the toilet.

It's all stopped up.

You're gonna have to pee in the sin...

- Still think I'm paranoid?

- Yeah.

Gentlemen, my name is Newton. I run

the place. Seen any aliens lately?

- You need professional help.

- He's getting it. It's not working.

Okay, so, new case, huh?

Episode 27, Light of Zartha.

Got it.

Jarra, it's a sin they've kept

a genius like you locked away.

Their agent Jay caught me siphoning

ozone to sell on the black market.

They're touchy about global warming.

I need a spacecraft that can travel

I'll give you

whatever you want.

- Give me Jay. We'll call it even.

- Groovy.

You've got till midnight.

Gatbot, I got a little

something special for you.

Newton? Newton, is that you?

Yes, Mom, I'm up here

with some friends.

I wanna have your baby.

Would you like some mini-pizza?

You guys want some mini-pizzas?

They're good.

They're like mini-bagels,

with pizza stuff on them.

She has palsy, so she ends

up putting a lot of cheese on.

No, thanks, we're cool.

All right.

Over here.

This is it.

Finally some hard evidence.

Gentlemen, before I play the tape,

one question:

What's up with anal probing?

Aliens travel billions of light

years just to check out our...

Boy, move.

Okay. Just a question.

Here is one of their stories

that "never happened"...

... from one of their files

that doesn't exist.

had raged on for 50 years.

Looks like Spielberg's work.

But the Zarthans had a great treasure,

the Light of Zartha.

A source of power so awesome,

it alone...

... could mean victory and restoration

for the Zarthans...

... or complete annihilation, if it

fell into the hands of the Kylothians.

A group of Zarthans made the journey,

led by the Keeper of the Light...

Lauranna.

... Princess Lauranna.

Lauranna beseeched the Men in Black

to help her hide the Light on Earth.

But they could not intervene.

No.

It was night.

And it was raining.

You've been very wise.

Kay, please. If Serleena tak es

the Light, it's the end of our world.

If we extend protection for the Light

beyond Earth...

... we put Earth in jeopardy.

We must remain neutral.

- Where is it?

- We're neutral, remember?

If you want it, go get it.

No!

And so never knowing it happened...

... the people of Earth

were once again saved...

... by a secret society of protectors...

I shouldn't have.

You never sent it off the planet.

You hid it here.

The worm guys.

Are you one of Newton's

friends from therapy?

- Yes, ma'am, I am. Look here, please.

- Would you like some mini-pizz...?

A neuralyz...

Okay, first, get some contact lenses.

Joints look like they pick up cable.

Second, take her to Cambodia. Get

her lobster. Pay more than a dollar.

Third, the second y'all get back

from Cambodia...

...move your bum ass

out of your mom's house.

- Let's go.

- Boy, you like 40 years old.

- Agent Jay?

- All right, all right.

And there ain't no such thing

as aliens or Men in Black.

- You wanna go to Cambodia?

- Yeah.

Hey, Mom?

Communicator, Jay.

- Laura, it's me.

- Jay, we're playing Twister.

What's up, Jay?

- Quit touching my butt!

- I thought it was your face.

They're good at this.

They don't have spines.

They were telling me about Oprah,

from Chicago.

Maybe landed in Chicago.

- Are you wearing a bracelet?

-Yeah.

Is it glowing?

- It's never done that before.

- We're on our way.

Communicator, Frank.

Deactivate the lockdown. We're headed

to the worm guys. We found the Light.

Got it, Jay. Scrad?

B*tch.

Why didn't you say I love you?

- He's a dog. I don't even like him.

- No, the girl. You're sweet on her.

That's why you didn't neuralyze her.

You got emotionally involved.

- Like you did with Lauranna?

- I put the entire planet in danger.

I don't want to see you

making my mistakes.

Whatever, man.

Laura?

Damn!

Never stood half a chance.

Oh, boy.

That's gonna leave a scar.

- Where's Laura?

- MiB headquarters.

- Some dumb two-headed guy.

- They got the bracelet.

We got 39 minutes.

You guys...

...pull yourselves together.

Damn.

That's feeling better.

- Hey, guys, wait up!

- Let me grab my drink!

Serleena has the bracelet.

Why take Laura?

She also wants me.

- What's the book say?

- We're off book. I say split some wigs.

- We need wig-splitting weapons.

- Got them.

Paw Paw's coming to visit me.

Hello, Paw Paw.

Paw Paw and ZuZu love

to see what's going on...

Don't worry, folks. I used to live

here. Came to pick up a few things.

Don't worry, folks. I used to live

here. Came to pick up a few things.

Don't worry, folks. I used to live

here. Came to pick up a few things.

Nice place.

Nice place.

See you.

You did not see a room

full of weapons or four aliens.

You will cherish and love each other

for the rest of your lives.

Which could be the next 28 minutes,

so get to loving and cherishing.

And she can stay up

as late as she want...

...and have cookies

and candy and stuff.

Four minutes to launch.

Four minutes to launch.

-Your ship is ready.

- Good. Send it to Kyloth now.

Ready, guys?

Lock and load, baby.

- You ready, kid?

- Kid?

I saved the world

from a Kreelon invasion.

They're the Backstreet Boys of the

universe. They throw snowballs?

Know what you're doing?

I'm about to attack one

of the most feared aliens...

...with four worms and a mailman.

Let's make it hot.

No, no, wait!

A code 101 lockdown!

The building gets pressurized.

Nothing in, nothing out. I knew that.

Yeah, you knew.

Front and centre, worms!

You got it.

It's about time you guys got here.

That lady is causing all kinds of hell.

Yummy. Someone I need to eat.

Get to the launch pad. The bracelet

shows the departure point.

- Do not come back for me.

- What?

Do not come back for me.

- Worm guys, give me some cover fire.

- Too scared, can't move.

Go!

- Limber.

- Go to subcontrol panel 7-R-Delta.

- Shut off power so they can't take off.

- Can't. Too scared.

- That way.

- Away from the bullets.

No problem.

Nice to see you again, Kay.

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