Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life Page #5

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but I got it. I think.

So "looking for"

is "cooking for."

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Hello. I'm James, the manager.

Hi.

Can we just keep it down, a lot?

Oh.

This is not Chuck E. Cheese.

Shh!

Big guy. Shh!

Can I have another root beer?

You've had enough sugar.

Jeez.

Jeez.

He was scary.

Do me a favor though,

guys, seriously.

Don't embarrass me again.

We just have to

talk like this for

the rest of the night, okay?

No problem.

Okay?

You know, honey,

I love my present.

You always know

how to make me laugh.

Thank you.

This one's my present.

Oh! Homemade.

Classy.

Rafe, I just...

It's beautiful.

Honey, I love it. You're so talented.

Thank you.

You guys, you're too much.

Love you so much!

Wait. Where am I?

Love you.

Well, hold on a second now.

Wait till you see

what I got for you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Jules,

when I think about us,

I think about one word.

Cramazing.

Crazy amazing.

Right.

More like "crawful."

Yeah.

Oh.

Carl...

Uh-huh.

That must have been expensive.

It was!

Yeah. But guess what?

You're worth it, baby.

Wow. So, what do

you say, my lady?

Will you marry me?

Yes. Yes.

Hmm?

Yes.

Yes.

You said yes.

I did.

Yes! Come here.

Yes! Yes!

You know, I was thinking,

since I'm over

at the house so much,

and I'm always helping out

with the kids and everything,

I ought to just move in.

You know?

I mean, I'd save

a ton on mileage.

And tax-wise,

it's a no-brainer.

Well, I mean, if we're gonna

get married, it seems like...

Yes.

Right. Then it's settled!

Yes! Come here, you!

Oh!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that, Sporto.

Oh, hey, your card

got ruined. Bummer.

Hmm?

I'm moving in!

You're welcome.

What's the matter, sport?

Not hungry?

Ugh!

I'll show you a real breakfast.

Honey!

Ugh!

This stuff is delicious.

Good talk, buddy.

Nice!

Sweet!

Georgia!

Your fat dog peed all over

my Joey banks.

I have to admit something.

It wasn't just him.

I did it too.

All right, listen up, twerps.

And listen good.

I'm here to stay.

And that smile

on your mom's face

that you're all so happy to see?

I put that there.

So unless you wanna

be responsible

for her unhappiness,

I suggest

you check your attitude

and your bladder at the door.

Because now, you're guests

in the bear cave.

At least he's embracing

the whole "bear" thing now.

Hey, what do these go with?

They're zebra print.

They go with everything!

We're doomed.

I gotta do something, man.

Well, one jerk at a time, Rafe.

If I've learned anything

from call of duty,

besides how to curse

in 13 languages,

it's that we've got to

complete this operation

before we launch up the new one.

I know. I just wish she could

see what a jerk he is

underneath all that fancy stuff.

Any last words?

I think he says "gurgle."

Hey, after this,

I think we should

tackle rule 86.

Are you kidding? Let's eighty-six

the 86 talk, all right?

The longer you wait,

the scarier it's going to be.

Uh, hand me the eel.

Yeah.

Somebody better

update Wikipedia.

You wanna know why? 'Cause

we're making history, bro.

What the...

Fish!

Way to go, bro.

Oh, my god.

Who would do this?

Gus, we have a situation

in the lobby!

Bring a net!

Get to class!

The fish, I can understand. But

why did it have to be an eel?

It looks just like the eel

I had when I was a boy.

And that thing shocked me

every time I tried to pet him.

All right!

I gotta go on live.

Right now.

Okay. Um...

Did you fix this thing?

Yes, but... uh...

But what?

That shirt...

I'm just saying,

it might be a problem, sir.

I didn't come here for a

fashion consultation, Galleta.

Just roll tape!

Attention, falcons!

As you know, some punks

have declared war

on your education.

And your education, through me,

is about to start fighting back!

Their punky little pranks

and stunts

have distracted our students,

damaged our reputation

on the world wide web,

endangered our number one status

and traumatized an eel.

And so today, it stops.

If these little vandals

don't like

playing by our old rules,

well, I guess

I'll have to come up

with some new ones.

Here come some new rules!

Rule number 137,

no more going to the bathroom.

The bathrooms

will be locked from now on.

You'll have to hold it

until you get home.

I've never been wild about

people using the bathroom here.

And now, it's over.

Violators will be forced

to stay after school

and clean the toilets.

New rule 138, there will be

no after-school activities.

That bell rings

and you go straight home.

You'll want to anyway,

because you'll have to

go to the bathroom

pretty bad.

I'll also be dissolving

school government.

Something I should've done

a long time ago.

It's been a puppet regime

all this time anyway.

No debate, no speech,

no clubs of any kind.

Including

the audio-visual club.

Oh, sh...

Don't you see, Rafe?

My school, my rules.

B.L.A.A.R.

Sorry, we're at nerd capacity.

Hey! Occupado.

B.L.A.A.R.

B.L.A.A.R.

B.L.A.A.R.

B.L.A.A.R.

B.L.A.A.R.

Hey!

Well, look at this.

We're one week out

from the test,

and I do not like the scores

on this practice exam.

78% proficient in English

and 76 in math.

Mmm.

These are not winning scores.

I've been growing my

number one bush for a decade.

And I do not intend to trim it.

Ever!

See, there's the problem

right there.

Rotating. Like a planet.

Remember, there's no...

Oh, Uranus is down. Miller,

stop trying to stab Uranus.

The good kids

are working their tails off,

and these remedials

are fooling around

instead of memorizing

and studying.

I wonder what would happen

if we excluded

Mr. teller's students

from the test.

Look at that. Wow. We jump

right back up to number one.

Too bad we can't stop them

from taking the test.

Oh, yeah.

We could stop them

from taking the test.

Ida, I could kiss you!

Hey, Gus!

Would you fix that farting bell?

I want my ding-dong back!

We are all on thin ice.

Help save the polar bears.

Ms. Galleta.

I thought I was very clear.

All club meetings have been

canceled until further notice.

And that includes this...

What is this?

What club is this?

This isn't just some meeting.

Polar bears' lives

are at stake here.

Oh, please. These bears need to

learn to take care of themselves.

It's not like the ice caps

are going anywhere.

That's exactly what it's like!

Sounds like I need to talk

to your science teacher.

None of that has been proven.

Oh, Rafe, I'm so glad you came.

Of course. I mean,

I wouldn't miss it.

Well, you did miss it.

This meeting is over.

Ms. Galleta is violating

one of my new rules.

You're seriously trying to

put some stupid rule

over the lives

of innocent bear cubs?

My rules aren't stupid.

Your bears are stupid.

Nobody told them to live

on something that melts.

And these animals

are hardly innocent.

Your beloved polar bears

would kill you for a peanut.

Or whatever they eat.

What do polar bears eat?

Ice?

No way of knowing.

And I am not an unreasonable

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